UXM #8: "The Uncanny Threat Of... Unus The Untouchable!"

(Didn't they do this on Stargate: Atlantis?)

Comments

Wow!  This is actually... pretty good!

Of course, I'm biased.  This is the issue in which Hank McCoy finally becomes the character we all know and love.  No longer just a book-worm, he's now officially been upgraded to all-round shed-head.  And not before time.  Let Angel preen, and Ice Man clown, and Cyclops and Jean think all the thoughts they would never dare voice (possibly because their romantic inner monologues are so toe-curling I have four fists right now).  Hank McCoy will be over here, Getting Shit Done.

After he's over his strop, of course.  I mentioned after re-reading issue #2 that I was impressed how quickly the theme of humanity disliking mutants was introduced; this story takes that to its next logical stage: a mob forms to lynch Beast for the crime of saving someone from falling to their death.  "He probably saved that kid just to throw us off guard... To make use think mutants aren't dangerous!" as one of them puts it.  I might have said that was somewhat unbelievable, actually, had I not watched the reaction to a black man becoming US President two years ago.

So as abrupt as McCoy's departure is, you really can't completely blame him for his "Fuck those fuckers" conclusion.  Besides, he changes his mind pretty sharpish as soon as there's work to be done.

And what does he get for his troubles?  Suspicion and violence.  There's gratitude for you.  Only a week after he leaves the tight-knit team and everyone's "like He must have joined Magneto, ZOMG!!1!".  Ingrates.

Actually, this is the one part of the story that sticks out.  The rest of it is genuinely pretty good by 60s standards - the twist that increasing Unus' power will force him to surrender is brilliant - but the X-Men's sudden willingness to believe McCoy is a traitor is impossible to swallow.  Between that, and the howling mob at the start of the issue, and you might as well retitle this story "Hank McCoy vs Every Ungrateful Turd in New York City."

It's fun to watch Cyclops put Jean through her paces at performing housework with her telekinesis.  It seems her sewing is going great guns (fancy dropping a stitch, though; women, eh?), her ability to iron, wash up or hoover at long range remain a mystery, as is the range at which she could furnish Cyclops with a perfunctory hand job.

Doubtless she'll never beat Unus at clothes-folding, though.  You see how neatly he puts away his jacket whilst Angel is dive-bombing him?  That's some bullet-time domestic chores shit, right there.

I note the X-Men have got themselves a new helicopter.  If I hadn't already committed myself to tracking the timeline of the comics, I'd be severely tempted to start monitoring the amount of materiel loss the X-Men suffer throughout their history, instead.  Though having said that, it'll be difficult to resist a tally of Blackbird losses from the Claremont era onwards.

Clues

This story takes place over at a week, I reckon.

Beast's fight with Unus takes place exactly a week after he quits.  That makes it another Saturday according to our current timeline, so I suppose the fight could be a matinee.  That would allow for the rest of the issue to take place in the same afternoon/evening.  Assuming people rob banks on weekends, that is.  I suppose there's no reason to believe they went in whilst it was open.  Or maybe New York has banks that opened at weekends, even in 1978.  Not that this really was 1978, but-

There is the slightest possibility that I might be over-thinking this.

Anyway, let's assume the X-Men first face Unus on the same day Beast did, and that his subsequent implosion happens later that evening.

Date

Saturday 1^st  to Saturday 8^th  December, 1978.

X-Date

X+91 to X+98.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel month = 4.30 standard months.

Contemporary Events

The Spanish Constitution restores democracy to the country.

Stand-Out Line

"Careful where you're waving that elongated icepick, Bobby!"  OK, I admit it, I'm six years old.  It's still funny.

UXM #7: "Return Of The Blob"

( "When you thought up this torpedo shield, did it occur to you that the Angel can move in three dimensions?")

Comments

Having already given us the Danger Room back in issue #2, Lee offers us another staple in the form of Cerebro.  It's not quite what it finally became - Xavier tells Cyclops that his pscyhic powers mean he doesn't need it, but that Cyclops will - but it does its job.  Arguably too well; the best moment in the comic comes as Cyclops is operating the machine, and its list of "Known Hostile Mutants" includes someone listed merely as "Unknown" [1].  I suppose Donald Rumsfeld would have something to say on the matter.

Magneto tries his mind powers again.  He's convinced something is blocking him as he tries to scan the Blob.  An obvious alternative is that he can't read minds.

The X-Men have a sign-out book for when they leave the mansion.  Xavier must be a riot at parties.

Apparently convinced she hasn't done enough damage to feminism by complaining about how much she dislikes Scarlet Witch because she's pretty, this issue Jean uses her telekinetic power on Beast in order to remind him that it should always be ladies first.  This is en route to fight Magneto, by the way.  I'm not sure there existed etiquette for who should go first into battle against a mutant supervillain, even in the '60s.  Still, it's nice to know all that extra time spent strengthening her powers can be put to good use, like being completely unbearable during a crisis.

The X-Men have - briefly - a helicopter now (in addition to two planes, a car, and the ability to hire a yacht at ridiculously short notice). Mind you, Magneto now has a lovely house in the country, so who are the real winners, huh? 
 

Lastly, the only thing more stupid than Magneto trying to use a horizontal ring of torpedoes to force the Angel down to ground level is the fact that it worked.  I can't help thinking there's at least one X-Man diploma that's going to be revoked pretty sharpish...

Clues

This story takes place over two days.  The issue itself marks the one-year anniversary of the comic.

The main chronological issue to consider in this issue is the graduation of the X-Men.  Simply put, this makes fuck-all sense.  Each X-Man was recruited at a different time.  Did Xavier deliberately retard the progress of some of them to allow them all to reach their potential simultaneously?  Or are we to believe that he managed to enrol each mutant at the exact right time to ensure their staggered time-spans with the team worked out? How could that be possible?  Where did Xavier even get his teaching qualifications?  Not anywhere that explained about not perving over his students, that's for sure!

Given all of this, combined with the bare tree near Magneto's new hideout (I wonder if he ever thought about going into real estate and cutting out the middle mutant? [1]), which suggests we're now somewhere in mid to late November at least, I can't think of any explanation other than Xavier just doing whatever the Hell he wants.  Following the tree, and in order to make Jean's comments about her training make some sense, I think putting this story at the end of November covers all the angles as well as can be expected.  I guess it just took Magneto a while to scrape enough cash together to make the deposit.

Finally, whilst I've already established that absolute dates are off limits, Hank and Bobby's visit to a coffee shop is proof positive either that Stan Lee was writing the comic as being set in contemporary times, or that he imagined that fifteen years into the future there would be rest homes set up for all the hippies who had dropped too much acid to process the passage of time anymore, and that they'd end up selling reasonably-priced beverages to the local mutants.

In fairness, that's probably not even in the top fifty fucked-up ideas people in the '60s had about the future...

Date

Thursday 29^th  to Friday 30^th  November, 1978.

X-Date

X+89 to X+90.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel month = 4.01 standard months.

Contemporary Events

Publication of the Times is stopped due to a labour dispute.

Stand-Out Line

(As the Blob walks away, disconsolate) "I wouldn't wanna have to fight him again." Poor Bobby.  Still so naive in the ways of comics...

[1] Anyone thinking "Pigs In Space!" at this point, award yourself bonus points.

[2] Your terrible joke for today: what's a dolphin landlord's favourite show? Echolocation, Echolocation, Echolocation.

UXM #6: "Sub-Mariner! Joins The Evil Mutants"

(Stan Lee blamed for '60s exclamation mark shortage)

Comments

Ah, crap.  After a whole episode almost entirely without anything even slightly objectionable, it's time for Jean Grey: Emergency Housewife.  Well, OK, technically it's Emergency Chef and Table Manner Enforcer, but close enough.  And if I remember correctly, it's going to get worse before it gets better.

Magneto seems to have miraculously developed mental powers.  That's... unexpected.  I honestly don't remember this happening, which rather suggests they dropped it just as quickly as Xavier's secret desire to expand her curriculum into some very unexpected topics.

This is the second time Marvel Girl has been unable to hold the Beast, apparently due to his weight.   It's a reminder of how far Jean's powered developed over the years, I suppose, but it doesn't entirely make sense.  Especially since just last issue Jean was able to pick up a piece of electronic equipment and hurl it through a pane of reinforced glass which Beast's weight couldn't break.

Actually, now I think of it, the massive, bulky metal mechanism that Jean used was kind of bullet shaped.  Yes, that must be it.  Very clever of Stan Lee, to wield the laws of physics so well.

Namor buys into the whole "I'm a mutant" thing pretty damn quickly.  Two panels after the suggestion is mooted, it's "My fellow mutants" all the way.  He won't always be so happy to be in the club, no matter how many sexytime mutant fillies Magneto tries to whore out to him -  and that Scarlet Witch is so pretty Jean has to get all catty about it. Thank God that Angel is on hand to offer slightly creepy compliments, otherwise who knows how much a bitch-fest we might have to suffer through...

Come to think of it, how exactly did Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch patch things up with Magneto? 

I have to say I'm less than impressed with Xavier's long-term planning.  Preventing Namor from joining Magneto is clearly an important tactical victory, but it's a bit tricky to see how persuading the leader of Atlantis that his best bet is go back to planning invasions of the surface world really counts as a "win."

Clues

Once again, the narration implies this issue takes place over a single day.  I'm not sure that chartering a boat of that size would be quite so quick a job, though, even given the money on display.  Besides, it's stretching credulity even by X-book standards to believe that Magneto's hidden island is within a few hours sail of New York.  Besides, that's far too close to civilisation; there'd be an endless procession of tourists clomping around.  Who'd have time to get any plotting done with all those meddling interlopers to liquidate?  There's a reason supervillains favour volcano lairs, and it has nothing to do with central heating options.

So let's say the X-Men sailed through the night, just to give this story the slightest caress of plausibility.  Everything that happens once they reach the island happens the same day.

As regards the placing of the tale in the more general context, we have to references to work off.  Firstly, Angel notes that this is the first time he's seen Scott smile in months.  That doesn't really tell us a great deal, though.  It's possible Cyclops was a little less dour before Jean showed up; it's also possible he's been a miserable emo moper for much longer than that.  Maybe pre-Marvel Girl, he spent all his time worrying about shaking his glasses loose whilst masturbating.

Actually, that would be pretty bad.

The second reference involves Xavier explaining how he came to locate Magneto's hidden base based on an electromagnetic phenomenon observed by a freighter "some days ago". Presumably this encounter had to take place after Asteroid M took a beating, otherwise Magneto would still be up there, rather than picking up fishing boats and spewing them on the shore hurling vessels over to the Caribbean (which seems a little bit like overkill, but there you go).  We'll use the same logic for "some days ago" as we did for "days later", and assume we're talking six days in the past.  We'll also assume that, somewhat unluckily for him, Magneto had his peace ruined by the blundering freighter only the day after the battle on Asteroid M (everything always goes wrong when you're moving house, doesn't it?)

Date

Sunday 14^th  to Monday 15^th  October, 1978.

X-Date

 X+43 to X+44.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel month = 6.76 standard months.

Contemporary Events

Homebrewing becomes legal in the US.

Stand-Out Line

"So that's the famous Sub-Mariner!  He's just a man in swimming trunks!"  Ssh, Mastermind!  No-one's supposed to notice!

UXM #5: "Trapped: One X-Man!"

("Why do we even have that lever?")

Comments

It seems Lee has moved on from classic characters to classic architecture, as we gain our first glimpse of Asteroid M.

I love the idea that Cyclops would be really worried about his chances of surviving a Beast workout.  Hank was always in danger of being dismissed in comparison to his flashier teammates (even Angel eventually got razor-sharp knife-launching metal wings), so this is a nice nod to the idea that he genuinely can do things nobody else could. In a perfect world, this wouldn't be undercut a few pages later when Beast is defeated by an unexpected suitcase, but you can't have everything.

Xavier won't see people because his mental powers are gone?  What a whining loser.  Though, since we know he's faking, he's clearly just doing it as part of an act.  He must think his students think he's a whining loser.  That's obviously much better.

Some of the X-Men's commentary whilst watching the track meet is a bit worrying: "They feel it must be a trick of some sort... It makes them feel less inferior!"  Go tell it to Magneto, you racist prick.

Not that Magneto is doing so well this time around.  If you're entire plan revolves around one of your flunkies not being recognised, why not ensure that by also sending the guy who's power is creating illusions.  Man, that's as massive a slip-up as an automated shuttle service for captured lickspittles that you make no attempt to monitor for stowaways.  Or building a base with multiple sections, each of which will explode if someone acidentally brushes up against the wrong button.  Between all that and failing to curb the rebellious tendencies of Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch, Magneto has never seemed more Skeletorish.


Clues

The implication is  that this story takes place over a single day, but by "implication" I mean only that no change of day is actually specified.  Given the amount of time it would presumably take to give the Greys a tour of the mansion, and for Quicksilver to pick up Mastermind and then fly into space, it seems likely that the track meet Magneto has the Toad enter takes place the following day.

We also need to consider the time it takes the X-Men to drive back from Santo Marco, which is where things get a bit muddled.  One would assume that they made all haste to return to the mansion; Xavier's "condition" isn't really something you'd go to a hospital for, and in any case we later learn that he's faking.  On the other hand, Magneto bitches that they've wasted weeks searching for the X-Men's secret base.

I think the most plausible scenario is that the X-Men did get back to Westchester as fast as possible (meaning this issue opens about three and a half days after the last one ended), and that Magneto has been searching for the X-Men ever since the Cape Citadel incident, only taking time off when he decided he wanted to invade a banana republic for no good reason.  Fucking Magneto, how does he work?

Lastly, major props to Lee for his hand in what I think is my first ever viewing of a trio-specific panel, in which the same events are related by the narration, the art, and the dialogue.  It may not be art, but it's certainly unique.

Date

Saturday 6^th  to Sunday 7^th  October, 1978.

X-Date

 X+36 to X+37.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel month = 6.54 standard months.

Contemporary Events
 New South Wales undergoes the Wranslide.

Stand-Out Line

"We forgot the X-Men! They've crashed through!" Magneto reminds all budding supervillains to leave a Post-It note around whenever your arch-enemies are inside your secret base.

Also available in "Avalon", "Genosha" and "periwinkle" variants.

UXM #4: "The Brotherhood Of Evil Mutants!"

("We are monitoring the situation in Freedonia")

Comments

Issue #4, and Lee is still cranking the classic character conveyor belt.  This time around, it's Quicksilver, Scarlet Witch, Mastermind and Toad; quite an impressive haul.  It's a shame they're introduced as the "Brotherhood of Evil Mutants", of course.  In fairness to Lee, he has admitted that it wasn't his brightest idea.  Having said that, you could argue that at this point their anti-human attitude is so outrageously militant that their name boils down to "We're coming to gank you all, bitchez!", which is about right.  Retrospectively, it doesn't really fit in with Magneto's experiences with genuine evil in Dachau, but that's still some way away from being thought up.

Another advantage to having the Brotherhood around is that it gives Marvel Girl some time off from being slavered over.  Now Scarlet Witch can be Official Token Sex Object, with Mastermind first in line for copping a feel.  You'd think a man who could generate images of anything he liked would make himself look more dashing, wouldn't you?  Or, I guess, spend most of his time in his room with a box of tissues and his own perverted imaginings.

Actual contents of Mastermind's sex fantasies may vary
from those shown

Obviously, Angel has to get in on this tawdry act (and at this point I think even Lee is playing his arrogant advances on Jean as comically pathetic), though at least this time he's only thinking about how gorgeous someone is, rather than announcing it to the room when she walks in.

Beast, meanwhile, seems to have regressed this issue, back to the comparatively formless character he was in issues #1 and #2.  On the other hand, the Professor seems to finally be mellowing, even offering the team a birthday cake.  To quote BtVS, though, that's exactly the sort of woolly-headed liberal thinking that leads to being stripped of your mental powers in a bomb blast. Or letting an entire country be destroyed by a nuke Magneto leaves out of pique, I guess (funny how that doesn't come up at his trial years later).  Actually, having Quicksilver disarm the bomb (using his superspeed to ensure Magneto doesn't realise what he's up to) is quite clever by Lee standards.  I like that, even at this embryonic stage, it's not as simple as good mutants and bad mutants, Magneto's naming conventions notwithstanding.


Clues

This story takes place over several days.  The exact number depends on several issues. Firstly, how much time needs to have passed for the phrase "days later" to be employed? I'm going to assume, somewhat arbitrarily, that it's six days. Any more, and we'd be referring to weeks, any less and it would be "a few days later".  We also need to consider how long it takes Magneto to sail his gunboat from the North Atlantic to the Santo Marco coast. According to the Marvel Atlas, the RoSM is on the Atlantic coast, sandwiched between Brazil and French Guiana.

Incidentally, this location would mean a tropical climate, meaning it's difficult to judge the time of year from the surrounding vegetation; the tree on page 13 that clearly lacks for leaves is much more likely to denote a lack of rainfall than the current season.  Anyway, the direct distance we're talking about is around 2812 miles, which would mean a constant speed of around 20 knots for Cap'n Mags to make the journey. That's easily doable by 20th century standards, even before we start thinking about whether Magneto could speed the vessel up using his powers over metal and/or having Quicksilver do a spot of paddling.

Also, how long does it takes Magneto to set up his Vichy government and hire an actual army?  Under normal circumstances, this would be worthy off extended study, but alas, this is a blog about the fluid nature of the book's time-stream, not the social and political events taking place.

In any case, we at least know that it took him less time than it did for the X-Men to drive to Santo Marco (presumably both their jets are on the fritz this week, and Agent Duncan isn't taking calls).  With Professor X and Cyclops both in the car, we can assume that they stuck to the speed limit, so we can calculate how long the drive took using the absurdly simplistic method of adding the direct distance between New York to Mexico City, and from Mexico City to Cayenne.  That gets us a rough estimate for the road trip's length of 2086 + 3300 = 5386 miles, with the first leg at a speed of 70mph, and the second at 80mph .  Assuming they drive in shifts, and eat and sleep in the car, the journey would take almost exactly three days.  Let's assume then that the battle for Santo Marco takes place nine days after the first scene in the issue.

Iceman confirms in this issue that he's still the youngest X-Man following Jean's arrival.

Xavier presents the team with a birthday cake, marking one year since "Our class began".  It's not clear what he means by "class", though.  I presume that Lee doesn't mean a year since Jean's arrival, mainly because it's pretty much unheard of for a comic to jump ahead without a very good reason. Personally, I don't think a birthday cake qualifies, however pretty the icing.

It seems more plausible that it's been a year since Cyclops joined the X-Men, or even a year since the original four X-Men started training together (which would at least slightly alleviate all the patronising of Marvel Girl, who's still only been around for a month or so).  That would put the founding of the X-Men as being on Friday 24^th of September, 1977.

Date

Sunday 24^th  September to Tuesday 2^nd October, 1978.

X-Date

X+23 to X+32.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel month = 5.63 standard months.

Contemporary Events

Pope John Paul I dies.

Vietnam attacks Cambodia.

Tuvalu gains independence from the UK.

Stand-Out Line

"Hmmm... An American professor and some students on a good-will visit from America!  We have orders to admit such visitors!  The Leader feels they can be fooled into thinking he is a kind and beloved ruler!" Magneto; Kim Jong-Il.  You never see them together...

UXM #3: "Beware Of The Blob!"

Comments

I realise no-one has ever accused Stan Lee of underselling, but I confess I'd forgotten just how hyperbolic his prose gets.  "Of all the great Marvel epics, this may be the greatest!" might be a tad OTT as a way of introducing a story that can be boiled down to "Fat man fails to beat X-Men, even whilst armed with giraffes", but then that's all part of the fun.

At last! Beast has made a sudden transformation (not, of course, his last) and is now ridiculously loquacious and a confirmed "book-worm".  He's even seen reading books held between his toes, adding another X-Men staple to Stan Lee's tally.  Of course, his new found smarts aren't enough for him to detect an entire goddamn carnival arriving outside the mansion (I don't care how well trained that elephant is, I refuse to believe they've gotten it to ninja-like levels of stealth).  One suspects the Blob might actually have managed to win the battle for the mansion had he not decided to send in his giraffes as his Forlorn Hope.  Mere height does not a siege engine make, Mr Dukes.

We're still being bombarded by sexism, naturally; Angel's response to the possibility of a new mutant is to say - with Jean in the room, mind you - "I hope it's a female!  One just like Marvel Girl! Mmmm boy!" Later, the boys compete for the right to chaperone Jean (whether this was Beast's idea or the Professor's, I'm not sure), and the tone throughout the issue (at least as regards Bobby, Warren, Hank and the Blob) defines Jean as an object rather than a person.  She isn't even smart enough to realise she can telekinetically remove her blindfold until Xavier points it out.

Speaking of Jean and Xavier, this issue makes two interesting moves.  The first is making it clear Cyclops has feelings for Jean, but won't make a move out of fear of hurting her with his power.  The second is that the Professor is secretly in love with Jean too, but in his case won't say anything because of his inability to walk [1] and because he's leading the X-Men.  Apparently his professionalism does impose some limits after all (though not to the point where he won't refuse to allow someone to leave when they choose not to join the X-Men, obviously).

In other circumstances, a teacher secretly in love with his pupil might make for a pretty good storyline.  I'm less convinced that Stan Lee is someone I'd hand the job too, though.  I'm pretty sure this idea gets dropped quickly, though, and is forgotten about for a loooooooong time (X-Men vol. 2 #53, to be precise), but it puts a new spin on things at least.

Besides, I think we can forgive Lee this misstep, since issue #3 manages to add two more central pieces to the X-Men canon, the previously mentioned brainy Beast, and the Blob himself.

Clues

This is a little bit tricky, actually.  It's difficult to tell in black and white, but the storyline implies that the carnival attacks the same night that Cyclops invites the Blob back to the mansion.  If so, the whole story can fit into a single day, barring the last panel (Blob at another show) which can safely be allowed to overlap issue #4's story if needed.

The bigger problem, though, is that both Cyclops and Professor X are both clearly harbouring feelings for Jean.  We need to think about how quickly that could have happened, which is not an easy consideration.  Thinking about it, though, we don't know how long Xavier knew Jean for before he invited her to join the team, so the real issue is how the (now clearly) tightly-wound Cyclops has let his guard down. We could place this story only a week after her arrival, but is that really enough time?  I suppose given the fact they're living in the same house, they share a bond as both teammates and as mutants, and (cynically) she's apparently phenomenally attractive, one can imagine an infatuation burning fairly bright fairly quickly.  I can believe he'd start thinking about giving his heart to her after only three weeks, maybe.  He is a teenager, after all. 

I did briefly wonder whether we could deduce anything from the presence of a travelling carnival with attendant sideshow, but it occurred to me that there was little point trying to extrapolate public interest in freak-shows in the Marvel Universe in any case.  On the one hand, you've got a guy who can literally stop bullets with his beer belly, which is probably pretty cool to watch.  On the other hand, you might be coming to the carnival after a busy day repairing the damage to the city caused when a Greek God did battle with a giant robot.  Who knows where the humble carnival would fit in at that point?

Date

Saturday 23^rd September, 1978.

X-Date

X+22.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel week = 5.30 standard weeks.

Contemporary Events

Three days into General Rahimuddin Khan's martial law governorship of Balochistan, the largest province of Pakistan.

Stand-Out Line

“Hey! Watch it! I just shined my little black booties!" Iceman reminds us that just because you regularly do battle with the world's strangest supervillains doesn't mean you have to accept ugly scuff marks.  It's a little thing called standards, people.

[1] Is this a bit offensive too?  Having a disabled man conclude he has no right to court a pretty woman?  Aside from the continuing idea that Jean can't make up her own mind about who she wants to be with, I mean.  Maybe there are self-esteem issues that can hit people after they lose the use of their legs in an accident.  I really have no idea, actually.  So I'm not declaring a foul, here, just wondering aloud.