UXM #54: "Wanted: Dead Or Alive -- Cyclops!"

(Walk like an Egyptian.)

Comments

It's the end of another rather short tenure as Arnold Drake offers us his swan-song.  Like Friedrich before him, Drake wasn't really around long enough for me to get much of a handle on his work, but I can safely say that I'm not looking forward to Roy Thomas once again taking the reins, starting next issue.

This is an interesting final story, though.  It introduces Scott's younger brother, who of course becomes a major player in the X-Books (though is it really likely Scott wouldn't have mentioned him in two years, buttoned-down or not?), and also suggests the idea that the pharaohs of Ancient Egypt were actually mutants, which is something returned to during the fleshing out of Apocalypse's character decades later.

The idea of framing an X-Man for murder has potential, too.  OK, it's some distance from being original, but there's definitely some mileage in the suggestion that the cops might automatically assume someone is guilty because they're a mutant.  The execution doesn't really work, though.  Even granting how stupid the New York cops have proven themselves in the Marvel universe, it stretches credulity that upon finding one man dead and another unconscious they would assume the latter was faking and had actually murdered the former.  I'd not be surprised by them taking Cyclops in for questioning, but arrest for murder?  That's just stupid.

Also stupid, but this time hilariously so, is the idea that the Living Pharaoh keeps his guards inside gilded sarcophagi just in case his base is attacked.  What are they supposed to do the rest of the time?  Do they get magazines and reading lights?  Don't these people belong to a union?

Lastly, I'm not entirely convinced Scott would tell his brother about being Cyclops.  I thought one of the big advantages of a secret identity is that it protects one's family?

Clues

This issue takes place over a single day.

Cyclops mentions that this story takes place during Spring, but that works out fine, happily.

The issue of Cyclops having a younger brother who has just graduated from "Old Landon College" is interesting.   The legal age for buying alcohol in 1969 (and, as it happens 1980) in New York was 18, so how is he graduating college?  It would make more sense if he was graduating high school, but the specific references to "on campus" make me wonder.  Is that a common phrase to describe American high school life?  I don't know.

Still, Alex being 21 would cause massive problems in terms of Scott's age.  Best to assume Alex is indeed 18 (and either OLC is a high school, or he's a wunderkind who got into college three years early), and that Scott has just had his 20th birthday.

Specifically, let's put his birthday on the thirteenth, since that day was skipped over during issue #51.  We now have four birth dates, then.  Xavier was born in 1935, Hank 30.03.60, Scott on 13.05.60, and Bobby on 19.03.62.  The idea of Scott being only six weeks younger than Hank won't last indefinitely, of course, but it will do for now.

Date

Wednesday 21^st May, 1980.

X-Date

X+2Y+51.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.57 standard years.

(Iceman is 34 years old.)

"Buster -- you're lookin' for an ice cube kimono!"

Contemporary Events

The Empire Strikes Back is released.

Standout Line

"[PD Helicopter] Seventeen reporting!  No sign of Cyclops in the fourth sector!  Any further orders?"

"Yes -- move into sector five now!"

Yes, good plan, NYPD.  Five comes after four.    Don't they have flightplans, or something? " We've flown eight miles so far!  Any further orders?" "Yes! Fly for a ninth mile!"

UXM #53: "The Rage Of Blastaar!"

(They tame lions with their fists!)

Comments

Is it weird that I can't stop looking at Blastaar's briefs?  It's just that they seem to change shape and colour every panel.  It's hypnotic.

What exactly is the purpose of the machine Jean Grey is trying out?  From what Beast says, it might be a teleporter (though he doesn't say anything about being able to rematerialise, which makes it essentially an exceptionally snazzy furnace), but Jean's experience whilst running it suggests it might have a... different application:

Internal vi -- vi -- vibrations -- beginning to b -- b -- build!... OOOO! W -- what was that?  S -- sudden burst of energy!" 

Whatever floats your boat, love.  "This machine was totally built by a dead guy who said I could use it, honest!"

This whole issue has a distinctly thrown-together feel, both in terms of Drake's writing and Barry Smith's artwork.  Given that the story promised at the end of last issue ("Wanted: Cyclops, Dead or Alive") is showing up in issue #54, I suspect there was a delay somewhere that required this be
rushed through instead.

I mentioned a little while ago how much I liked the idea of Cyclops using his optic blasts to hurl himself out of harm's way.  This issue he uses them to fly, though, about which I am less pleased.  On the other hand, Iceman's use of his powers to create tiny wisps of liquid oxygen is a really good idea, and I presume it would work to rouse people from unconsciousness, though potentially in a pretty painful way.

Having him create and animate ice-men is a pretty neat idea as well, it's a shame he doesn't do it more often.  Mind you, since this first outing led to the melting constructs accidentally electrocuting Blastaar, maybe he figured it was more trouble than it was worth.

Clues

This issue plays out in real time.

Iceman is clearly back on his feet after the beating he took last issue.  Of course, it's already been established that Bobby has exceptional healing ability, so that needn't slow us down to much (besides, it was pretty heavily implied that Bobby was faking last issue, in the hopes he might get a pity ticket to Lorna's friskoteque).

We'll give him four days to recover, then.

Date

Tuesday 20^th May, 1980.

X-Date

There'll be a new approach to X-Date from now on: X remains the day that Jean Grey first joined the X-Men, but we'll start counting the years separately (as Y, natch), so as to keep the numbers from getting too big.

X+2Y+50.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.53 standard years.

(Iceman is 34 years old.)

"Sometimes I think we made our biggest
goof when we gave women the vote!"

Contemporary Events

A public referendum in Quebec rejects the plan to claim independence from Canada.

Standout Line

"A living rocket -- aimed at your vitals!"  Yeah, I've tried that chat-up line a few times too.  Didn't do me any more good than it did Blastaar.

UXM #52: "Twilight Of The Mutants!"

("It's two doors down from the boulingerie")

Comments

It's Erik the Red!  The Marvel universe's go-to disguise for undercover mutants.

This is his first appearance, though.  It's strange to think how at this point no-one has any idea that he's merely an alias.  And if they did, the issue puts at least a little effort into implying that he might be Iceman, since he's the only X-Man not involved in "Operation: Twilight."

That's a smart move, actually.  So too is the fact that the story doesn't drag out the reveal of who Erik is.  What most impressed me, though, was Erik's opening line upon breaching Magneto's base: "Perhaps.. you have never read that most practical recipe for roast chicken which begins... First, catch a chicken!"  Erik is specifically referring himself to a chicken, one issue after Bobby called Scott exactly that.  It's a brilliant nod to what's coming, even though that little clue is kind of muddled by Erik's ability to fire bolts of yellow energy from his fingertips (it's never explained how Cyclops was able to do that).

Of course, all of the team's precisely timed strategy comes undone when Iceman rushes in at the last minute.  It makes one wonder why Cyclops pulled him off "the case" for being emotionally attached to Polaris, when it would clearly have made more sense to bench him for being a total bleeding idiot.

He does come good in the end, though, persuading Polaris she's not Magneto's daughter.  Man, remember back when that was true?  Good times...

Clues

This issue takes place over a single day.

Date

Friday 16^th May, 1980.

X-Date

X+777.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.51 standard years.

(Iceman is 35 years old.)

"I kid you not!"

Contemporary Events

Paul McCartney releases McCartney II to a baffled public.

Standout Line

"Now how about some more muscular therapy... at the Friskoteque?!"  I have no idea where Polaris thinks the friskoteque is, or how it's liable to aid Bobby in his recovery, but all I can say to him is: Godspeed.

UXM #51: "The Devil Had A Daughter!"

("Oh Romeo, Romeo!  Wherefore art thou a chauvinistic prick?")

Comments

Holy giant space cow!  It's the X-Men do Shakespeare!

No, really.  This is Romeo and Juliet, pretty much.  Polaris is Juliet, and Magneto is both Capulet and Tybalt; he's invoking his patriachal authority and he's spoiling for a fight.

Iceman is Romeo, of course, so blinded by love he's willing to beat down anyone fool enough to stand in his way.  Cyclops is Mercutio, unwilling to fight but prepared to defend his closest friend.  That's why he throws the first punch - once he realises Iceman won't back down, there's no option but to fight to keep the love-blind idiot alive.

This gives Angel the Benvolio role, of course - he talks a good fight but ends up doing sod all.  Given how many gay jokes I've made about Bobby and Hank, I don't really have much choice but to make Beast into Balthasar.

Jean Grey is, er, Mrs Mercutio.  Or Queen Mab, I suppose.  She's certainly done a number on Mercutio, am I right?

That makes the opening scene of the comic the run-up to Tybalt and Romeo's duel, only with Romeo as much an instigator as Tybalt ("A plague on both your houses!", indeed).  The major differences: most of the Montagu clan is on hand to help out, the duel takes ten pages instead of a few lines of stage directions and questionable puns, no-one dies, and it's a bit rubbish rather than one of the greatest plays ever written. [1]

It also doesn't really sit well with 20th Century sensibility, even with - I'd hope - the conventional wisdom of 1968.  Of all the people in the room, it's somehow Magneto who actually bothers to ask Polaris what it is she wants.  Everyone else is to busy arguing whether or not it's fist o'clock (turns out: it is).  Indeed, Beast - motherfucking Beast - concludes that Polaris can't possibly refuse Magneto, due to her "familial duty and... inner need for power!"  Because God knows, no woman can refuse her father when power is involved.  That's... kind of uncomfortable to think about.

As an aside, the dialogue in this issue is really weirdly apportioned to the speech bubbles.  There's an art to splitting up speech, as even Steven and I have learned, you can't just do it at random.  Otherwise you get this kind of thing: 

I've had it up to here with a guy who'd even...

...con his own kid into joining his pillage and plunder act!

See what I mean?  It just doesn't...

... work.  Maybe if had been iambic pentameter, I guess...

Clues

This issue takes place over a single day, with the exception of the last page, which takes place several days later.

Date

Sunday 11^th to Friday 16^th May, 1980.

X-Date

X+772 to X+777.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.47 standard years.

(Iceman is 35 years old.)

"You -- you're chicken!"

Contemporary Events

An F-2 tornado hits Michigan, leading to President Carter declaring it a federal disaster area.

Hugh Griffith, who one an Oscar for his portrayal of Sheik Ilderim in Ben Hur, dies aged 67.

Standout Line

"But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon
Who is already sick and pale with grief
That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she."

No, wait.  Wrong one.  Erm...

"...I need this icy protection against a warm hunk of girl like you!"

That's better.

[1] Well, so popular opinion would have it.  I always thought my friend Bronwyn had a point when she described it as "Too self-absorbed children who kill themselves before they have time to figure out that they're both bloody idiots".  She also has been known to point out "It's basically a story about a teenager who persuades a young girl that death is more attractive than finishing puberty".

UXM #50: "City Of Mutants"

(Second generation blues.)

Comments

I think that's the title of the issue, anyway.  It might alternatively be "Hail, Queen of Mutants", but if that's so, Mesmero ("Keeper of the flame of Magneto, emperor of evil mutants!") has put a lot of time an effort into carving CITY OF MUTANTS into the rock face beside his hidden metropolis, and that strikes me as distinctly counter-productive. 

That's another lovely cover, by the way, marred only by the sheer unwavering awfulness of Polaris' costume.  It's little wonder she turns against Mesmero and his plans for her, if that's what he offers her in the way of wardrobe.

M-2 is a great codename for the secret weapon that turns out to be "Magneto the Second".  Shame Cyclops spoils it by claiming he'd already considered it, but assumed it must refer to a son.  See, people?  Unthinking chauvinism can get people killed!

Clues

This issue takes place over a single day.

Date

Sunday 11^th May, 1980.

X-Date

X+772.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.44 standard years.

(Iceman is 35 years old.)

"Don't do it, Lorna!"

Contemporary Events

Pam Higgins wins the Lady Michelob golf tournament in Roswell, Georgia.

Standout Line

"Time to end this tasteless comedy!" I love this line.  It's pretty difficult to stand-out as a purveyor of panto camp in '60s comics (it's like being noticeably green in a field of grass), but somehow Mesmero manages it.  Props, dawg.

UXM #49: "Who Dares Defy... The Demi-Men?"

("Be sure to wear some flowers in your green hair")

Comments

This is encouraging: only two issues in and Drake has introduced us to two long-running characters, Polaris and Mesmero [1].  I'm not completely clear on why Mesmero considers himself the acolyte of Magneto, given that we've never seen him before, but that's a fairly minor complaint.

Also in this issue: Hank becomes furious when Bobby brings a girl home for coffee.  Surprising, this is not (mind you, Beast is presumably still annoyed that when Bobby suggested taking the plunge and forming a couple, he was only talking about becoming a skydiving act).

It's slightly more difficult to understand what happened to Lorna Dane in the first place.  Obviously, Mesmero's hypnotic signals explain why she was headed to San Francisco, but it's a little harder to discern how she managed to travel 1200 miles within a page and a half.  To paraphrase From Dusk 'Til Dawn, people don't travel at the speed of light when you call them, I don't give a fuck how hypnotised they are.

Cyclops is also pretty lucky that the "mutant squad" he sees (who I presume are the "demi-men"of the title) and then attacks actually were bad guys.  From what I know of San Francisco, the fact that someone is dressed like a freak tells you absolutely nothing.

Hank once again proves his worth this issue.  Twice over, in fact: he creates a portable Cerebro unit to go mutant-hunting, and also demonstrates that when the X-Men go into battle without him, they end up with Angel shot and nearly killed.  That never happens when the Beast is around.  Uh, unless, y'know, Cyclops does it himself.

Clues

This issue is a bit blurry on the details, but it seems to take place over a single day.

Angel describes the mansion as "a suite of musty, shrouded silent recollections!", which suggests some time has passed.  Mind you, Xavier was so anal he probably kept the place spotless at all times (presumably getting Marvel Girl to telekinetically wield a dustpan and brush).  Combined with Warren's parents being indescribably rich, it's plausible that his definition of "musty" bears little resemblance to what we understand by the word.

Let's assume then that the X-Men broke up a fortnight ago.

Date

Sunday 11^th May, 1980.

X-Date

X+772.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.40 standard years.

(Iceman is 35 years old.)

"You won't thaw out of this
until next Spring!"

Contemporary Events

The mobster Henry Hill (played by Ray Liotta in Goodfellas) is arrested for drugs possession.

Standout Line

"We come not to harm you -- but to  -- worship you!"  Now that's how you write an ending.

[1] The idea of latent mutants is explored for the first time, too.

UXM #48: "Beware Computo: Commander Of The Robot Hive!"

("You will never find a more wretched hive of robot villainy!")

Comments

Well, that didn't take very long: it's out with Friedrich, and in with Arnold Drake (just in time for the comic's fifth anniversary) as well as gratuitous cheesecake, apparently.

Yes, this is the infamous issue in which Jean Grey becomes not only a model, but "the tastiest package of goodies we've opened around here in months!".  It's like watching a car crash, if both vehicles were packed with immodestly dressed babes of brobdingnagian boobage (sorry, Dean Swift!).

Drake attempts to distract us from all this horrible sexism by having Jean secretly avert three "disasters" whilst she's working (though how a photographer getting his hair singed by a falling spotlight could be considered a disaster is not explained), but he then tears off what little camouflage he's assembled by having the boss slime all over Jean until Scott arrives to rescue her.

And what's Jean's response?  To give just as good as Cyclops does?  No.   She just drags him away jealously when the other models take an interest in him.  Girl power, indeed.

It would also help if Drake could keep his stories straight.  Alright, so he co-wrote the previous issue with Friedrich, but you'd hope he'd have at least been sufficiently on the ball to remember that said story (set post split-up) featured Bobby and Hank in New York, which rather contradicts this issue's suggestion that Agent Duncan ordered them to head for California.

Still, I'm not sure story logic is Drake's strong suit.  After all, do robots in "electronic hibernation" really require waking with a "reviva-ray"?  Isn't electronic hibernation just, y'know, being switched off?  For that matter, do you really need to give your robot-crushing device like "the automatic canceller"?  Does the "inverse ninja law" genuinely stretch to super-powered killer robots?

Finally, while I'm not entirely sure what noise is made when you angrily grab someone's tie in a brawl, I'll bet all the money in my pockets that it isn't "WOINNG!".

Still, Drake at least manages to avoid predictability, I suppose.  Like how it turns out that Computo's base was built by Quasimodo.  I did not see that coming.

The back-up strip in this issue is great: a five-page run-down of Hank McCoy's unquestioned awesomeness.  His reading list is especially interesting: "Shakespeare, Plato, Tolstoy, McLuhan, and, uh... Thor!"  I assume that last one is an in-joke, but I prefer to take it literally, and assume that the Thunder God of the Marvel universe also has a side-line in vanity publishing.

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills
When all at once, I saw a crowd
Of trolls to smite 'til each lay still
Beside a lake I at once seized
And then drank dry, for it was mead!
HAVE AT THEE!

Well, I'd buy it.

Clues

This issue takes place over a single day.

There are two things to take into account here.  Firstly, how quickly can Jean Grey get a modelling job.  Secondly, why does she think Beast and Iceman are in California, when the last we saw them they were desperately trying to score some touch from their NY paramours?

I suppose the answer to the former question is fairly unambiguously "Whenever she damn well wants to".  Pretty much the entirety of the X-Men have been salivating over Jean since she arrived at the school (even if last issue's stats seemed to be going through the motions somewhat), so it's not too much of a stretch to assume she'd have no problems landing a modelling gig, even if she's yet to evolve into the pneumatic-breasted woman of the '90s.  As to Beast and Iceman, we can suppose, I assume, that California is indeed their destination, but that they stayed in the Empire State long enough to give their other halves a decent farewell (which, it turns out, said other halves had to pay for, but no-one ever said being a super-hero was easy), and are heading to California as Jean speaks.

Let's set this story as happening the day after Beast and Iceman defeat Merlin, then.

Date

Friday 2^nd May, 1980.

X-Date

X+763.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.39 standard years.

(Iceman is 36 years old.)

The aptly-named "Sir Not Appearing In This Issue"

Contemporary Events

The football player Zat Knight is born, which I mainly mention to keep my friend Christopher happy.  "Don't you mock Bolton!  Bolton's your mother!"

Standout Line

"I've even invented a machine that can open pop-corn bags noiselessly in movie houses!  There's only one minor flaw -- the machine makes up three rows of the theatre!"  Ah, Hank.  How I love you.  But how many rows would it take to set up a machine that crotch-punches anyone texting during a movie?  Because I'm pretty sure that would be worth trying.

UXM #47: "The Warlock Wears Three Faces!"

(Deep in the ectoplasmic core of thine own existence...)

Comments

Looks like someone finally paid attention to my suggestions from the future.  Today, for one night only, we present: the Iceman and Beast show!  Henry might refer to himself and Bobby as "The best of friends...", but we know what's really going on here. 

Speaking of Hank, AKA The Only Thinking Mutant In New York, it's nice too see that he shares my opinion that Fred/Amos Duncan is entirely full of shit: "I only hope that person doesn't have to die.. just to prove to the FBI that we should've remained a team!" (sic).  Damn, but than man is smart.  Well, except with women; I really don't see how calling your date a "wondrous wench" is a good idea [1].  It's almost as if he wanted to be dumped, to leave the path clear for someone else...

They seemed to have replaced Bernard the Poet at Hank and Bobby's usual haunt (though not the fishnet-clad dancer, who seems as oblivious to the outside world as always), and "Fat Man" seems decidely less willing to respond to constructive criticism.   Anyone who fails to genuflect to his satisfaction gets a cisit from some decidely unpleasant (to say nothing of pun-reliant) hoodlums.  I criticised this kind of pointless fracas more than once when Roy Thomas was in charge, but at least back then the "X-Men vs. human mook" fracas only got trotted out to pad two-parters.  Why Friedrich thought it was a good idea to make use of it in the middle of a single, fifteen-page story, I have no idea.  Perhaps he was worried that two X-Men battling motherfucking Merlin wouldn't sustain the readers interest. [2]

Actually, that turns out to be true, but that's only because Friedrich decides that the Warlock would become terrified of exploding lights (clearly all that time he spent amassing a secret army of heavily armed hoodlums under the surface of the Earth didn't teach him anything about explosives, or lightbulbs [3]), and then go mad after witnessing the "lambent luminescense" of the lightshow his prosaically-named "killer gem" would generate after being thrown into a circuit board - "just as [Iceman] had figured".  It's hard to believe I spent all this time thinking that Beast was the brains of the operation, now that I know that Bobby can successfully predict the psychological effects of combining arcane artifacts with electrical current. 

Though even then, it takes the vicious and unstoppable assault of modern music to defeat Merlin for good.  That seems distinctly fishy, even by '60s comic standards, but I guess if it worked on Noriega...

Clues

This issue takes place over a single evening.

Bobby mentions that it's been days since the X-Men parted ways at the end of last issue.  Since there's no qualifier ("a couple", "a few", "several") I shall - with my trademark arbitrariness - assume four days have passed.

Date

Thursday 1^st May, 1980.

X-Date

X+762.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.36 standard years.

(Iceman is 36 years old.)

"Maybe if Hank and I talked it over..."

Contemporary Events

The "Special Economic Zone" of Shenzhen is formed just North of Hong Kong by the People's Republic of China.

Standout Line

"In spite of the supremacy of mind over brawn... every man must at some time lash out and prove himself still capable of acheiving victory by the lesser asset!"  I have to say I'm not convinced by the Mahi's philosophy here.  Of course, that might just be because my "lesser assets" in this sense are so much lesser than most, they're hardly worth mentioning.

[1] Unless your date is the incomparably lovely Talia, obviously...