UXM #66: "The Mutants And The Monster"


(Requiem for a freak.)

Comments

And so it ends. Six and a half years after its first issue, X-Men gets axed.  I don't know for how long Thomas knew this was coming, but I suppose finishing with an issue in which Professor X is saved from the mental-burnout suffered fighting the Z'Nox does at least allow the series to finish as it began, with Xavier leading a slightly expanded team.  It's a shame there's no closure regarding the Bobby-Lorna-Alex love triangle, but that's a minor niggle.

Having said all of that, though, I'm not completely sold on the idea of the final issue being so reliant on a major guest star. I don't know if it was an attempt to boost sales (surely too late?), or just a nod to the general universe the X-Men spent some time being a part of, but it strikes me as an odd choice.  Fortunately, since the Hulk takes the role of antagonist here, it isn't like he takes time away from the main characters, and perhaps this really is a better final mission for the team than just beating up another creation from Thomas' horribly uneven supervillain assembly process.

This is, what, the fourth issue this week where Angel does something totally idiotic and headstrong?  This time it's confronting the Hulk on his own, because he's too impatient to wait for backup.  I'm not sure what the appropriate comparison is like, but it's somewhere between song thrush vs Geoff Capes and hummingbird vs a steroid-hepped elephant [1].  Not good, is my point.

Still, I think this issue's "Most aggravating X-Man" has to go to Bobby, actually, for refusing to join the mission to save Xavier's life so as to make sure Alex can't get a ticket to Lorna's friskoteque whilst he's gone.  Nicely done, you selfish shit.

Clues

This issue takes place over a single day.

Date

Friday 20^th June, 1980.

X-Date

X+2Y+81.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.92 standard years.

(Iceman is 32 years old.)


"For a human popsicle, I guess
I am kind'a hot-tempered!"

Contemporary Events

The Blue Lagoon is released, a film I've never seen but boasts the longest tag-line I've ever read:

Two children shipwrecked alone on a tropical island. Nature is kind. They thrive on the bounty of jungle and lagoon. The boy grows tall. The girl beautiful.

When their love happens, it is natural as the sea, and as powerful. 

They don't write 'em like that any more.  Well, I guess they may have started, and just not finished yet.

Standout Line

"Got to catch him off balance -- while he's gesticulating menacingly over the edge of that cliff!"  Why do villains bother to gesticulate menacingly at all?  Never worked for Shao Kahn, did it?  Every "You will die!" was just one more opportunity to uppercut him into another incarnation.  Amateurs.

[1] If an elephant takes too many steroids, does its trunk shrink?

UXM #64: "The Coming Of Sunfire!"

(Peace is never found, or won, or even bought; it is merely rented.)

Comments

At long last we leave the '60s behind forever, and enter a new decade.  And what better way to embrace that bright, uncertain future than with a story about the damage caused by the WWII?

It's safe to say that the Japanese are not sensitively or delicately handled here.  It's all "For the glory of the emperor!" throughout, and though it's not unfair to say that a distaste for foreigners is not entirely absent from the Japanese cultural psyche (though you can say that about pretty much anyone, more or less), Shiro and Tomo are just hideously over the top; frothy-mouthed gaijin-loathing nutcases.

If you can get past that, though, this issue is far from irredeemable (even if one rather assumes the reason Thomas takes the next month off is so he can be given some gentle "re-education" on what one can get away with in comics).  As much as Shiro and his uncle are walking time-bombs of xenophobic rage, Shiro's attitude at least can be understood as coming from Tomo, who presumably played a large role in Shiro's upbringing, since Shiro's mother was dead and his father (a diplomat) could have been absent for much of the time.

In that sense, this is a story about how one's upbringing can dominate your political and moral compasses.  Shiro hates the US because Tomo has told him, over and over, that he should.

And what about Tomo?  How many people did he lose in the Hiroshima blast?  We know his sister-in-law was crippled by the explosion, but how many other family members, or friends, or people he nodded to in the Shinto temple, were annihilated by "Little Boy"?  Maybe his rage is understandable.  The first X-Men issue of the 1970s is hardly the place to go looking for complex political commentary, but to Thomas' credit, he has no problem portraying just how horrific and emotionally damaging the destruction of Hiroshima must have been.  Even Shiro's father, the consummate diplomat (though gifted pimp-slapper), pleads for Sunfire to stop not because innocent lives could be lost in his attacks, but because trying to take revenge for the nuclear strikes will simply start the war all over again.  Peace is something you have to pay for.

Indeed, flense away the Holocaust connection - along with a fair chunk of some of the less edifying dialogue - and this could be a story about pretty much any extremist's desire to take their revenge within an inferno.  That makes Shiro arguably the first mutant the comic has introduced who's powers reflect their emotional drive, but it also allows for the bleakest ending the book has produced since Xavier passed away in issue #42. Tomo ultimately demonstrates two common attributes of the fanatic: the absurdly short-trem nature of their tactical planning and their willingness to turn on their fellow countrynmen whenever they disagree.  When he comes across his brother Saburo, Shiro's father, trying to convince his son to give up his quest for violent revenge, Tomo doesn't wait to see how the conversation ends, or try to offer his own voice as a counterpoint to Saburo's arguments.  He simply shoots his own brother; the father of the man Tomor wants to obey him.

The instant he fires, Tomo's cause is lost.  His life, too; Shiro burns him to ashes almost instantly.  Moments later, as he kneels by the side of his dying father, Sunfire sees the truth: the blast at Hiroshima just claimed two more lives, for no good goddamn reason at all.  The X-Men shake their heads and leave, hoping the next mutant they meet can be reached in time, and Shrio is left completely alone.

Changing direction completley, and just to revsisit something from a couple of days ago: Angel continues his run of headstrong incompetence when he requires saving twice in this issue.  The second time is after Sunfire sets his wings on fire, so there probably wasn't a great deal he could have done about that.  But his first sticky situation comes about when he allows himself to be sucked into a jet engine.

Did Xavier not teach basic physics? Did it not occur to Angel that close-range inspections of planes in flight might carry an element of risk?  Sure, Iceman saves him by creating an ice barrier between Angel and the rotor, but not only was Warren massively lucky that worked, but it involves Bobby essentially rendering one half of the airplanes engines functionally useless.   If it wasn't for the fact that I suspect an "angel-strike" would have been even more dangerous than temporarily blocking one engine, I'd have been severely tempted just to let the blond berk get splattered.  He's been a liability ever since he stopped on Red Raven's island to do some mid-rescue mission sightseeing.

Maybe the other X-Men make him wear his Magento-created costume, actually.  Just as a constant reminder of what a gullible, useless prick he is. They're still calling him "Scottie" from time to time, as well, though at this point I can believe it's just a way of reminding him that Jean had no interest in his advances.

Clues



This issue takes place over a single day.

The X-Men have returned from their trip to the bottom of the world. Given the amount of time they'd have needed to return to the surface of Tierra Del Fuego, and then fly back to New York, it would presumably be at least reasonably late on the following day by the time they settled down in their apartment in NYC.

So let's assume this adventure begins on the following morning.

It's been a while since we saw the local vegetation, actually.  Luckily everything is nice and green, despite this issue being published in January (ten days almost to the day before I was born, in fact).

Date

Tuesday 3^rd June, 1980.

X-Date

X+2Y+64.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.91 standard years.

(Iceman is 32 years old.)

"Let's see if these fresh-frozen
flying saucers'll cool things down"!

Contemporary Events

Grand Island, Nebraska is struck by a series of powerful tornadoes. 5 people are killed and over $300 million in damage is inflicted.

Standout Line

"... We'll wait over there, son...!" It's just a little line, from the policeman who's arrived to arrest Sunfire on the final page, but it's a nice understated nod to just how devastated Sunfire obviously is, and a reminder that his last taste of freedom will be kneeling beside the cooling body of his dead father.

UXM #63: "War In The World Below!"


(Girl on girl action.)

Comments

Angel's now wearing one of his most well-known costumes.  It's definitely better than the magenta horror he's been sporting recently, but it's interesting that such a classic costume for him was originally provided by Magneto. It certainly can't be good for Jean's self-esteem to learn that their greatest enemy can tailor better threads for the team than she can.

Mind you, she does get to save the day in the final panels, which must count for something.  I seem to remember variations on this storyline appearing in a significant number of the cartoons I watched in the '80s; everyone becomes noticeably more chauvanistic for the first few minutes so that they can learn an important lesson when the token female character defeats a threat they were powerless against.

Presmably the writers of such tales then patted themselves on the back over how convincingly they had demonstrated their feminist chops, all the while forgetting that sexual equality is about both genders being able to handle themselves just as well in the vast majority of situations, not that there' some incredibly likely but just about feasible situation in which a woman might turn out to be of more use than a man ("My God!  These aliens can only be defeated by... WASHING UP!").  Hell, you could write a story in which humanity's only hope laid on the jittery shoulders of a rabid badger tied to a wheelbarrow, but it doesn't follow that employment law should be changed to gurantee them equal wages.

This is all amplified by the fact that Jean is only called upon to save the day because Magneto's trump card Lorelai is basically too damn bootylicious for the male X-Men to be able to beat up. If Lorelai had been a hag or, even better, a dude, that would be different.  But the totally irresistable seductive beauty who steals men's minds is a very, very old idea, and I don't know if it represents a deeply-held male fear or a deeply-held male fantasy (or maybe even both), but it certainly wouldn't be my choice for a story mechanism about how women are, like, totally sporadically useful, maybe.

Thomas doesn't even put any effort into making the rest of the team be overly patronising towards Marvel Girl (in marked contrast to how they once behaved), which makes Jean come across as just thin-skinned and with a chip on her shoulder.   Not a good combination, all told.

Anyway.  I'll get off my soapbox now.  There must be something else I can say about this issue.

Um... I liked the frog mutant.  He was good.

So was the unnamed wolf-caller, actually.  Presumably he was bwllowing at ultrasonic frequencies, but there's something wonderfully unsettling about a man stood rigid and apparently screaming in utter silence.  Very creepy.

Clues



This issue continues directly from the previous one, and takes place approximately in real time.

Date

Sunday 1^st June, 1980.

X-Date

X+2Y+62.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.88 standard years.

(Iceman is 32 years old.)

"What's that creep doin'?"

Contemporary Events

Rube Marquand passed away.  Rube was a Jewish baseball player and vaudeville performer, who threw with his left hand and was convinced opals cursed him.  This guy really needs a TV movie made about him.

Standout Line

"Let me go!  Hit him instead!" Man, frogs can be douches when you get hold of them.

UXM #62: "Strangers... In A Savage Land!"


(One of our mutant vampire dinosaurs is missing.)

Comments

Angel's really had a bad time of it lately, hasn't he?  Barely an issue goes by without him being brainwashed or hoodwinked into turning against the X-Men, and the rest of the time he's just being a headstrong berk.  Plus, at this point I reckon he's been captured more times than Jean Grey, which is pretty impressive for a comic that rarely misses an opportunity to tell us that Marvel Girl is gorgeous but all but completely helpless.

That aside, this is a pretty good issue.  Beast has a line (recorded for posterity below) that I induced my first laugh-out-loud moment so far, or at least the first deliberate one.  There's also a brilliant piece of silent comedy when Ka-Zar gets his hands on "The Piper"; I wish I could find it on-line, a description wouldn't do it justice.

Indeed, Ka-Zar is far more fun this time round than when we first met him.  Probably because he spends much of this issue pimp-slapping his foes (including Iceman, who frankly kinda had it coming). All this, and my favourite extinct bird species too!

Image taken from here.

There's also a flashback sequence early on done in partially-formed, almost gaseous pencils and colours that looks absolutely lovely.  It's definitely a number of steps up from the standard X-Men recap.

Lastly: the last-panel reveal that The Creator and Magneto are one and the same is brilliant, not least because it nods slyly to the fact that clothes really do make the man in comics, in that hair aside characters are generally only easily recognisable from their costumes.

In short, it's finally starting to feel like Thomas is getting a handle on the book.  Shame he'll be cancelled four issues later...

Clues



This issue takes place over a single day.
.

This time round it's Angel who makes the flight from New York to Tierra Del Fuego.  That's a trip of about six and a half thousand miles.  That would take a unladen swallow a week to fly, assuming it could maintain its top speed indefinitely.  Sauron seemed to do the trip within the day, but he had the advantage of being super-charged by sucking out various forms of mutant energy.

Angel doesn't have that, though.  I'm sure he's faster than a swallow, but that's compensated for by the fact that he can't recharge on the wing by eating insects in flight.  It's pretty clear Thomas (as usual) didn't give this any thought, but the only reasonable conclusion is that Angel must have stopped and found food (potentially through means better left unexplained) at regular intervals.

So let's say it took him a week, whilst the other X-Men spent their time searching for Sauron, whilst Tanya stays in the cabin.

Date

Sunday 1^st June, 1980.

X-Date

X+2Y+62.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.84 standard years.

(Iceman is 32 years old.)

"Verrrry interesting, jungle man!"

Contemporary Events

CNN is officially launched.

Standout Line

"And that is most definitely it, you grapefruit-league Tarzan!  For that, I'm going to..." "RRRARRR" "...I am going to lie very still, and play dead...!" Amazing what changes when a sabretooth tiger shows up, isn't it?

UXM #61: "Monsters Also Weep!"

("I'm a monster! A MONSTER!")

Comments

My God.  The opening pages of this comic are just eye-searing.  Why has Angel decided to squeeze himself into a hot-pink costume? He was still in yellow at the start of last issue (I'm reading these issues in black and white, save for the four colour pages Marvel Online will let me see).  It's hideous is so indescribable, he makes the giant praying mantis creature that tries to eat him on page 2 look like it's just acting in the public interest. 



This is actually from issue #62;
and they've really toned down the pink.



Is Sauron actually narrating his entire back-story to Angel on pages 5 and 6?  Because if hypnotising someone means you get to tell them about yourself at great length without them being able to resist, then sign me the fuck up for that jazz.

This issue does a reasonable job with making Sauron/Lykos more three-dimensional than the standard '60s villain.  His transformations are pretty clearly a (characteristically unsubtle) metaphor for his hunger for money, but the fact he needs the money in order to feel worthy of the woman he loves (who loves him too, apparently, despite her disgraceful anti-geek bias) gives the story a bit more depth.

We can also play the cliched yet still fun "Who is the real villain?" in this one.  Sure, Lykos can transform into an energy-sucking pseudo-dinosaur, but it's his drive to prove himself to his love's father that motivates him, and said father is a grade A dick.  "I would follow you to the ends of the Earth, daughter... To stop you from marrying one who is not worthy of you!"  What an arse.

(I also note, by the way, that he doesn't actually follow her when she heads for Tierra Del Fuego to be with Karl.  I guess Andersson meant he'd follow her anywhere that didn't have too many killer flying reptiles and/or brown people all over the place).

The X-Men are acting pretty stupid again.  Let's look at this logically.  Angel has been hypnotised by a man who can turn into an emerald flying horror (who, we learn later, has exactly the same voice as Karl). When the X-Men mention the name of the only hypnotist they know, Angel starts screaming in panic, begging for that man to be kept away.

X-Man response? Knock Angel out, and bring the hypnotist over. 

How are these people still alive?

Nice ending, too.  The X-Men don't defeat Sauron, Karl does, by realising he's let himself become controlled by his id.  It's all very Jeckyll and Hyde, actually, but as adaptations of 19th Century horror stories go, this is about a thousand times better than that earlier bollocks with Frankenstein's Monster.

Clues



This story follows directly on from the previous one, and concludes the following night.

That's my best guess, anyway.  The matter of Sauron's flight from New York to Tierra Del Fuego is something of an issue, but he does claim he can fly "[A]t speeds you never dreamed of!".  Certainly, ingesting Alex's energy only seemed to give him a few hours as Sauron, so even with Alex, Lorna and Warren's combined buzz, his flight can't have taken more than twelve hours or so.  If we assume that his later comment of it being "almost a day" to mean that long since he took sustenance from a mutant, rather than arriving at his father's cabin (I think either intepretation is equally valid), then his final moments can be assumed to occur the evening following his attempt to murder Tanya's father.

Date

Saturday 24^th to Sunday 25^th May, 1980.

X-Date

X+2Y+54 to X+2Y+55.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.83 standard years.

(Iceman is 32 years old.)

"That's quite a pair of tenor tonsils you've got there!"

Contemporary Events

Mount St. Helens disgorges another significant ash cloud.

Standout Line

"One final maneuver to demonstrate my superiority..." Nice. I always appreciate a bit of unchecked egotism from my comic book villains.

UXM #60: "In The Shadow Of... Sauron!"

("The swamp monster is disturbed!")

Comments

It's the beginning of year six for the comic, and things are getting ever more crazy.

First, an important announcement: if the object of your affections mocks you for reading The Lord of the Rings, she is a bitch.  Karl Lykos' greatest sin isn't that he's allowed himself to transform into a power-sucking vampire pteranodon, it's that his first act wasn't to drain the snootiness from that Scandinavian harridan.

And what exactly are we supposed to take from this issue?  That pteranodons carry some kind of vampiric disease?  Get bitten by a winged lizard, turn into a winged lizard?  If they're that dangerous, what are they doing hiding in Tierra Del Fuego?  And wouldn't that be a stupid place for a reptile in any case?

(Plus, that's not the tail of a pteranodon, it's from a rhamphorhyncus.  Just sayin'.)

I wonder how long Marvel could get away with naming their villains after antagonists from novels. "I name myself Pennywise!", "My reign of terror begins as I become That Velociraptor That Learned To Open Doors!"

Apparently it's official: Scott and Jean are a couple.  Not sure exactly when that happened, actually.  Sure, the moping and self-absorbed internal monologues had dried up, but I was too relieved by all that to actually probe any deeper.

Oh, and the X-Men note the absence of Changeling last issue, just as I had (apparently the Vanisher was captured, after all).  Still no word as to who the massively powerful signal the Sentinels detected belonged to.

Clues

This story follows directly on from the previous one, and concludes that evening.

Date

Saturday 24^th  May, 1980.

X-Date

X+2Y+54.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.79 standard years.

(Iceman is 33 years old.)



Never mind out brother mutants...
tell me about the Scarlet Witch!

Contemporary Events

The New York Islanders win their first Stanley Cup.

Standout Line

"Your eyes?  You gotta be kiddin'! Sure, I'll look into 'em... and then I'm gonna -- YOUR EYES! YOUR EYES--!!"  Another less-than-proud moment for Angel (who now seems to insist on being called "The mutant formerly known as The Avenging Angel!").  Maybe Xavier never covered this situation specifically, but surely he taught Warren well enough for him to know that when the criminal you're chasing turns out to be a talking version of the flying green thing from "Lost Valley of the Dinosaurs", you might not want to follow its explicit instructions.

UXM #59: "Do Or Die, Baby!"

("...Where leads the siren call of logic!")

Comments

Ah, the old "force your robot opponents to attempt to destroy the Sun" trick.  Ordinarily I'd be angry at such a ludicrous conclusion to a three-part story, and indeed I'm less than impressed, but I am (uncharasteristically) willing to give Thomas the benefit of the doubt.  The immediate problem with the Neo-Sentinels' new plan (other than it being utter lunacy) is that destroying the Sun will exterminate all humanity.  That's in direct contravention of the Sentinels' programming, of course.  Essentially, though, what Cyclops does is demonstrate (quite cleverly) that mutation is a natural part of human existance, and that the only way to stop it for good is to remove our capacity to grow, or change, or live.

In effect, Cyclops makes them choose between their two overriding goals: protect humans, destroy mutants.  The fact that they go for door #2 just reinforces the McCarthy metaphor so prominent in the previous issue. The Sentinels claim that their first goal is to protect humanity, but as soon as they're given the excuse, they're more than happy to allow them to become extinct, just so long as they don't hurt anyone directly, all so as to ensure mutants die alongside them.  As Commander Jeffrey Sinclair once said: "When you become obsessed with the enemy, you become the enemy!" 

So as ridiculous conclusions go, it does at least have a good point buried inside it.

This is a good issue for Cyclops all round, actually.  I've always wondered why it's such a problem when the X-Men are in free-fall with fewer flyers than non-flyers, since I figured you could just have the former arrest each non-flyer's descent every so often and then let them start falling again.  Sure, the flyer would have to be damn fast, and even then the fall could end up quite nasty, but these people are trained to land well, right?

Anyway, in this issue, Cyclops works this out as well, having Jean slow only herself and him whilst Hank plummets downwards, so that when she switches her attentions to Hank just before he hits, the resulting free-fall they experience can then be arrested once Hank is safely on the ground.  It's a neat solution (certainly better than Drake's idea of Cyke using his eye-beams to fly), and it's nice to see Thomas taking a break from writing the X-Men as total idiots. Even more bonus points go to Cyclops for having his team switch costumes with the Brotherhood, so as to confuse the Sentinel's memory files.

Ah, so Trask has the power of clairvoyance, which the medallion blocked.  That's pretty ironic, actually, given that if he'd been allowed to keep his abilities, he might have been able to tell his father that creating the Sentinels would get him killed.  It can also explain why he keeps shouting "three years" all the time; maybe it's been three years since he saw his father die, using whatever power leaks through the medallion.  It's no wonder he's confused.

(Also: Trask Sr built the Sentinels so as to stop other mutants from finding out his son was one of them?  What a turd!)

I note that every mutant ever featured in the books has been mentioned in this story, with three exceptions.  The Vanisher is presumably teleporting away whenever the Sentinels get even slightly close.  Professor X, of course, is believed dead.  Interesting that they can't find Changeling though, isn't it?  Almost as if... he were already dead !?!

And who was the mutant on the sourthern perimeter that had the Sentinels so worried?  Maybe we'll find out next issue.

Clues

This story follows directly on from the previous one, taking place on the same day.

Date

Saturday 24^th  May, 1980.

X-Date

X+2Y+54.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.75 standard years.

(Iceman is 33 years old.)

Contemporary Events

Exiled former Soviet Union poet Joseph Brodsky turns forty, and writes a poem to "commerate" the day.  Personally, I can't believe anyone would let knives rake their nitty-gritties even once, let alone thrice, but I guess there was a lot of weird shit that went down in those days.

Standout Line

"Unus has proved not completely untouchable..." Apparently the Neo-Sentinels weren't just kitted out with new and fancy mutant-negation systems.  They've acquired a dry wit as well.

UXM #58: "Mission: Murder!"

("Resistance is futile.")

Comments

This is really good, actually.  There's plenty of action as the mutant population of the world fights back against the encroaching "Neo-Sentinels".  Nice to see that the robots are just as happy to kidnap Mesmero and the Living Monolith as they are our heroes, and that not everyone is going meekly into that good night.  Banshee's attempt to play possum and then wreak havoc (no pun intended) from within us particularly cool, even if it gets him nowhere. I'm less convinced by Magneto turning out to have been a mutant for the last eight issues or so, but whatever.

The Neo-Sentinels are far more compelling than their antecedents.  Not only does their adaptive technology make them a far more dangerous threat (they're pretty much thirty-foot Borg at this point), but they spend far less time standing around offering soliloquies. They haven't shaken the habit entirely, but what's left consists mainly of stating how essential their task of neutering mutantkind is, which at least serves the overall metaphor.

Yes, I said "metaphor".  Hard as it is to believe, Thomas has upped his game to the point where his story has a subtext.  OK, he blatantly references it ("Sounds a bit familiar, doesn't it?"), which means that to quote Rupert Giles "the subtext... is rapidly becoming, er, text", and moreover he's just stolen the idea from Lee's original Sentinel story in any case, but at least he's able to competently develop it.  Trask is clearly modelled on McCarthy, in that whilst his methods are despicable and his thought processes a disgrace to the term, he genuinely, completely believes that his approach is the only one that can keep humanity alive.  As aggravating as it is to watch Trask frame Iceman by making it look like Bobby tries to attack him without provocation, what's really scary is Trask's unshakable belief that a single video of a homo superior attack will be accepted as proof positive by the world that all mutants are equally dangerous.

This, of course, is eventually what brought McCarthy down - he became convinced that the Communist threat had become so great that he could literally accuse anyone, on any evidence, of being a Pinko, and that would be enough to condemn them.  He confused his own unending, all-consuming crusade for the will of the people, and he over-extended himself.

Trask is clearly headed down the same road, to the point where the instant he realises he can't ignore Judge Chalmers, he immediately accuses him of being a mutant. Like McCarthy before him, Trask can't conceive of anyone disagreeing with him unless they're secretly one of the enemy.  "You're either with us or against us" is almost never true.

All of which makes the final page reveal that Trask himself is a mutant thoroughly brilliant.  OK, it's astronomically unlikely (unless issue #59 gives us more to work with), but thematically, it's total genius.

Just as an aside, it's interesting that it was Trask that gave Alex the name Havok, and that Thomas finds time in this issue to give us the first indication of the Bobby vs Alex rivalry over Polaris.  Returning the book to twenty pages (rather than fifteen + five back-up) was clearly a sensible move.

Clues

This story follows directly on from the previous one, and continues into the following day.

Hank finally confirms that he is the oldest of the five X-Men.

Trask continues to insist it's been three years since the X-Men murdered his father.  Of course, now that we know that Trask Sr. gave his son a medallion to mask his mutant powers, God only knows what crazy shit has been going down in his cerebral cortex.

Date

Friday 23^rd to Saturday 24^th  May, 1980.

X-Date

X+2Y+53 to X+2Y+54.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.71 standard years.

(Iceman is 33 years old.)

"Bite your tongue, Beastie!"

Contemporary Events

The International Court of Justice demands the US hostages in Tehran be released.

Standout Line

"Jet home? Sorry, little buddies!  That's not my style!" Angel demonstrates the true nature of heroism by attempting to fly from northeast Africa to America in the time it will take Scott and Jean to check in at Cairo airport.

By which I mean, the man is obviously a total fucking idiot.

UXM #57: "The Sentinels Live!"

(Cairo emo)

Comments

Like I said yesterday, Alex is definitely his brother's brother.  In fact, not only is he determined to wring every ounce of self-pity from his brand new super-powers, but he decides the best way to maximise his self-inflicted, self-absorbed misery is to go and live in a cave, thereby forcing the X-Men to search for him.

Every hour they spend searching for his sorry arse, of course, is one less hour they can spend saving people from super-villains.  We learn at the end of the issue that the Sentinel who grabs him was dispatched to Africa after Larry Trask watched a news report on the X-Men being in Egypt, but frankly I prefer to believe that the robot simply followed the waves of self-indulgent solipsism that only a young mutant can generate.

On the other hand, at least Alex doesn't refer to the local police as "camel jockeys".  I get that Cyclops is upset and all, but... Dude.  Uh-uh.

Still, it's not a good day for law enforcement on either side of the Atlantic.  The NYPD make another appearance, and who could have guessed?  They immediately try to arrest our heroes as soon as they lay eyes on them.  OK, they do at least have a slightly better case this time, since Bobby and Hank are in the middle of a trashed apartment, but then they start throwing furniture at our heroes, and that's just downright unprofessional.  To paraphrase Austin Powers, what kind of person throws a swivel chair at someone, honestly?

Clues

God damn you Thomas, you've done it again!  Everything was going perfectly well, with Beast and Iceman presumably taking a single day to return to the States, and all of a sudden Larry Trask is in our faces telling us its been three years since issue # 16.

Interestingly, that's not even true in real time, so either Thomas was mistaken (hardly impossible), or he at least tried to put some effort into time compression.  Even so, though, "three years" just isn't going to work. We know issues #32 to #47 more or less follow directly on from each other, with only brief gaps in between issues if there are gaps at all. Obviously, I've tried to condense everything as much as possible, but the six week period I've set those issues in can't be too far from the mark.  Moreover, issue #32 took place on Bobbys eighteenth birthday.  Even if Iceman had only turned sixteen the day issue #1 took place, there can't have been more than eighteen months between Bolivar Trask's death and the birthday shindig in "Coffee-A-Go-Go."

Which means that Larry Trask's assertion can only be right if a year or more has passed between issues #47 and #56.  We know issues #54 to #56 took place over the same 48 hours, and that issues #49 to #52 took no more than a week, though, so that means the time between issues #47 and #49 and #52 and #54 must total about a year.

I don't deny that that is possible, but it certainly raises questions: why aren't Bobby and Lorna closer if they've known each other for six months?  Why did it take so long for the X-Men to find cover identities whilst they were split up?  Why was Xavier allowed to take a fifteen-year-old boy into his care at a school for those in their late teens?

I think a rather simpler explanation is that Trask has gotten it wrong.  Perhaps he misspoke, and his father started work on the Sentinels three years ago, rather than dying then.  Perhaps the rigorous mental gymnastics he's had to perform to twist the X-Men into his father's killers requires a change in timings.  Hell, for all we know, Trask has concluded that our heroes replaced his father with a double at the very beginning of the Sentinel program, so as to discredit the man's work.

Maybe this reads as a cheap get-out, but as far as I'm concerned, taking Thomas' characteristically thoughtless approach to chronology as valid generates significant problems elsewhere, so I think it best handwaved away as far as is possible.

Date

Thursday 22^nd to Friday 23^rd May, 1980.

X-Date

X+2Y+52 to X+2Y+53.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.68 standard years.

(Iceman is 33 years old.)

"Just be glad the X-Men aren't
the killers you humans think we are!"

 Contemporary Events

Mount St. Helens releases an explosion of steam.

Standout Line

"We'll commandeer the next freighter U.S. bound!" Remember when the X-Men would gladly risk public humiliation to gain the coinage necessary to travel overseas?  Well, that's just for when they're trying to rescue their mentor and leader!  When some chick Bobby wants to fuck is in danger, it's time to turn to piracy!

UXM #56: "What Is... The Power?"

("If only we could share the sun.")

Comments

I love that cover, mainly because the Monolith is clearly about to beat Cyclops to death with the title of his own comic book.  If cover images aren't going to depict specific scenes from the issue (and there's nothing wrong with that approach at all), then it's nice to see attempts at making use of the fact every now and then.

Alex and Scott really are brothers, aren't they?  Give them powers undreamed of by mortal men, abilities that they could use to re-forge the world itself should they choose, and all they do is whine because they can't control them yet.  Pricks.

Still, Cyclops seems to be toughening up to some extent, at least.  This issue he takes a low-flying skimmer to the back of the head and he hardly feels it.  I guess he must have toughened up his skull whilst using it as a wrecking ball last time.

Maybe his new tough-guy attitude helps explain page 15, which contains a lovingly-detailed image of Cyclop's arse thrust towards the reader.  I tried finding a picture to show you, but you don't even want to know what came up when I googled "Cyclops' ass".

After two issues of the Living Pharaoh prancing around like the second coming of Ramesses II, it's a nice idea that he's really just a lunatic archaeologist, albeit one with fairly impressive mutant powers.  Having him kidnap Alex because they share the same power source is also quite interesting - it's certainly more compelling than the usual "I will rule the world/destroy mankind" justification.

Clues

This issue carries on directly from the last one, and covers a period of only a few minutes.

Date

Thursday 22^nd May, 1980.

X-Date

X+2Y+52.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.64 standard years.

(Iceman is 34 years old.)

"And here's where the Iceman makes you holler ankhle!"

Contemporary Events

Phil Donahue gets married.

Standout Line

"It's Warren -- streaking out of the Holiest of Holies!" And here, ladies and gentlemen, is the exact instant that Roy Thomas breaks your sanity forever.  Assuming you've seen Pulp Fiction, at least.

UXM #55: "The Living Pharaoh!"

("Long way to go just to get your butt kicked, huh?")

Comments

Boo!  This is another one of those beginnings that would have Annie Wilkes on her feet and screaming at the theatre.  We've gone from last month's "I will kill you, Cyclops!" cliffhanger to "You will join me, Cyclops!" It might not have been quite so obvious is the opening scene didn't contain Cyclops dialogue word-for-word from the previous issue, only for the Living Pharaoh to say something different in response.  I guess if there's any time at which this can be forgiven, it's when you've switched writers, but even so; grrrr.

Also, too: who the Hell is the glowing green figure on the front cover?  He's nowhere to be seen inside!  Unless he's a metaphor representing the dangers of stereotyping ancient cultures in order to justify their vilification.  Maybe.

This issue has given me a grudging respect for Cyclops, kind of.  You have to give at least some credit to a man willing to break his brother out of a sarcophagus by head-butting it to splinters.  Not sure why he didn't use his fists, of course, but let's not back-seat coffin-wreck.

However, as impressive as Scott's manning up might be, it's small potatoes compared to The Living Pharaoh on page 8, who leans out of a jet flying miles above the Atlantic in the hope that his magic
ping-pong bat can damage an Avengers quinjet [1].  That takes no small amount of balls, my friends.

And it would have worked, too.  Especially when Beast broke the joystick trying to regain control.  Thanks to Bobby's "ice-wings" (who knew he had a degree in aeronautics), though, along with Angel's ability to adequately counteract the force of gravity on a plane, they make it down OK.

But how, I ask you, do the X-Men manage to get their vehicle working again in time to rescue Cyclops and Alex.  Well, I shall tell you, dear reader.  Hank motherfucking McCoy.  Strong enough to break your joystick, smart enough to put it back together again.

Man, that needs to be on a T-shirt...

Clues

This issue follows on directly from the previous one.  It takes a few hours to get Cyclops and Alex to the airport, after which the Living Pharaoh flies them to Egypt.  That's about an eighteen hour flight, so back in New York it's presumably early morning on the Thursday by the time the battle outside the pyramid begins.

From the back-up strip we learn that Angel was invited to join the X-Men in the winter of early '63 ('80 in our timline), which puts his arrival only a few weeks at most after that of Iceman.  Beast must have joined soon after.

Date

Wednesday 21^st to Thursday 22^nd May, 1980.

X-Date

X+2Y+51 to X+2Y+52.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.60 standard years.

(Iceman is 34 years old.)


"Then step on the gas, Beastie baby!"

 Contemporary Events

Pac-Man is released, changing the face of electronic entertainment forever, even if said face was now without a nose and possessed of staring, soulless eyes that gave me nightmares as a child.

Standout Line

"Lafayette, we are here!  I think I read that, someplace!" That's a surprisingly obscure reference from Iceman, but it's a nice one - a quote from the First World War from a US military officer standing over Lafayette's tomb.  Lafayette had fought with the Americans during the Revolutionary War, helping them overthrow the British, and the idea that the Americans entered WWI to repay that debt is a nice one. 

Well, it's a nice one compared to how hideous and brutal the war itself was, at least.

[1] Which presumably Warren still hasn't returned.  It's always the filthy rich who you have to pester to give back what they owe...

UXM #44: "Red Raven, Red Raven...!"

(For the love of God, why?)

Comments

At long last!  This issue marks the end of Roy Thomas' reign (Friedrich wrote the script for this one, but it's Thomas at the helm). Truly it was an era of mediocrity.  Not to mention time-wasting.  If Roy Thomas was a female footballer, even the Brazilians would think he was milking it.[1]

Let's look at the board, shall we?  Stan Lee penned 19 issues that took place over seven months, from the X-Men's point of view.  Roy Thomas penned 25 issues that took place over seventeen months.  That's a truly miserable compression constant of 1.47 standard months to every Marvel month!  And it would have been even worse than that if the Factor Three story (and its later references) hadn't allowed me to ignore Thomas' increasingly ludicrous attempts to tie his storylines into real-time events.

It's safe to say this was not one of my favourite eras for the comic, even when taking into account the time in which it was written.  Goodbye, Roy Thomas: we hardly liked ya.

It would be nice if I could at least say that Thomas went out on a high, but that would be a lie.  In fairness, messy handovers are very common in comics, so I'm prepared to cut it at least some slack.  It's still unrelentingly stupid, though.  We start where we left the action in issue #43, with Magneto towering over our fallen heroes.  Initially he plans to kill them, but then Quicksilver - the same Quicksilver who only last issue Magneto promised to punish and then didn't for no reason at all - objects.

Magneto then flies into a rage, immediately reverses course ("I must have time to savor the sweet nectar of victory!") and puts the X-Men in the individualised prisons he had already built for them.  Why were they there if the plan was to kill the X-Men as soon as super-humanly possible?  How are we supposed to take Magneto seriously if Quicksilver can say or do anything and without him doing more than bellow and bluster?   Why does Magneto change his mind again when Toad notes the X-Men have been arguing with Quicksilver?  Why doesn't he do anything about it? 

(Also, why the hell is there a cutting torch lying around the X-Men's cell?  I'm guessing it's been planted there, probably by Scarlet Witch; we'll have to wait and see).

Once we get past all of this lunacy, Angel manages to escape Isla de Magneto and head for help (specifically the Avengers, who Angel is very chuffed about thinking of, despite the fact Cyclops had already ordered him to find them), and then things somehow conspire to become more stupid.  Angel takes shelter from the storm on a tiny atoll that then becomes an island, and he decides he'll go exploring because, quote "...Magneto wants us to join him!  He won't harm the others for a while!"  You know what might have changed his mind on that, Warren?  The fact you've escaped!

At that point, he really deserves getting a beating from Red Raven, one of the self-described "supreme race of birdmen!" (not so supreme that you're not functionally extinct, Tweety!).  That fight lasts for all of two pages before Raven decides he can trust Angel ("I can sense that you also are different from ordinary humans!") and starts laying out the specifics of his secret and sacred duty.

WHAT THE FUCK?  If you're the sole hope of reviving your race, what could possibly possess you to spill the beans to a guy who a) you met three minutes ago, and b) spent two minutes and fifty-five seconds of that trying to punch you in the face?  Hell, whilst we're on the subject, why not take the simple but effective security precaution of locking your front door?

Of course, this is a man who took twenty-one years to realise he wasn't actually born one of Superioraceofbirdmen, despite the fact that he hasn't got any sodding wings!

The whole thing is one long, stupefying explosion of plot and character logic filmed in slow-motion by  a swine-flu afflicted David Lynch .  Only without even any hot lesbians. 

Clues

This issue picks up directly from the last one.

We learn something from the back-up strip this issue - Iceman first came to Xavier's attention in 1963, during late autumn or early winter.  Since the first issue of The X-Men was published in September '63, this winter is presumably meant to be January or Febuary of that year.  That means the birthday cake Xavier unveiled way back in issue #4 must indeed represent a year since Cyclops first joined him.

We'll have to fiddle with these ideas to fit them into our timeline, but we put the beginning pages of issue #4 as taking place on the twenty-third of April, 1978, we'll put that day in 1977 as being the day Scott and Xavier did battle against Jack of Diamonds, and have them discover Bobby Drake in October of that same year.

Date

Tuesday 22^nd April, 1980.

X-Date

X+753.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.26 standard years.

(Iceman is 37 years old.)

 Contemporary Events

Canada announces it will boycott the Moscow Olympics, following the USSR invasion of Afghanistan.

Standout Line

"But, since I know now I can lick your weight in hobbits any day..."  I... what?  Just... what?

[1] Eat my timely sporting reference!  EAT IT!

UXM #43: "The Torch Is Passed...!"

(Worst... reimagining... ever!)

Comments

Xavier's funeral seems remarkably sparsely attended.  His five X-Men and a priest?  I realise that there's still decades to go before we learn of Moira MacTaggert, Amelia Voght, and Gabrielle Haller, but surely someone should have shown up, Xavier's years as a recluse notwithstanding [1].  Hell, even Cain Marko might have wanted to be there, if only to check his half-brother was definitely dead.

At least Quicksilver shows up (somewhat late, because nothing suggests problems with punctuality like super fucking speed), which is a nice touch, and a reminder that Xavier's influence extended beyond his five students.  Of course, having Pietro take a moment to pay his respects just makes Magneto's ranting look even more ridiculous.  "My only regret is that it was someone else who snuffed out his worthless life... and not I, Magneto!"  Man, that is some classless bullshit, right there.

Apparently Magneto has himself another secret island headquarters.  At a certain point, you'd be expecting people to be monitoring those things, wouldn't you?  Or is everyone tied up with staking out volcanic cave systems?

In addition to his new digs, Magneto seems to have regained the Toad from his interstellar exile.  Ordinarily such unexplained developments annoy me, but I have to confess that "The Intergalactic Flight Of Toad The Adventurer!" doesn't really sound like a particularly engrossing tale.  Even if he does get chased through the stars by an implacable, emotionless foe, BSG it ain't.

"Stop staring at my arse, Callis, you slippery nonce!"

 Using previous ship losses to triangulate Magneto's whereabouts and then head off on a ship filled with tempting cargo is quite a nice idea, actually.  Cyclops gets points for that.  On the other hand, if that was your plan, wouldn't you put at least a little effort into ensuring Magneto couldn't actually use the cargo of massively powerful computers you're using as bait?  Not to back-seat super-hero, or anything.

Clues

The trees seem bare right now, but that could still be the after-effects of the strange blight that's been bothering them for weeks.  In any case, the publication date of this issue is all of a fortnight earlier than our estimated date of Xavier's death, so even if Thomas' is up to his old trick of synchronising seasons, we should still be alright.  I've assumed arranging Xavier's funeral took about a week, which doesn't seem an unreasonable period.

The X-Men's encounter with Magneto takes place "a few days later", which would put it on the Tuesday.  I guess Jean Grey is taking some time off from college, though that doesn't seem too unreasonable given her loss.

Date

Saturday 19^th to Tuesday 22^nd April, 1980.

X-Date

X+750 to X+753.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.22 standard years.

(Iceman is 37 years old.)

Contemporary Events

A general strike breaks out in Algeria in protest against the co-ordinated arrests of various Berber activists, students and doctors.

Standout Line

"Quiet, all of you!  We've got to hear every word of this!"  For once, Cyclops is entirely right to harangue his fellows.  You know what you keep your mouth shut during?  Your mentor's video will.

[1] In fairness, they do mention that both Agent Duncan and Banshee were on the guest list.  That still doesn't explain why there were no generic mourners.  Generic mourning is critically important!

UXM #42: "If I Should Die..."

("Except it's a hoax, obviously.")

Comments

Hmph.  This is frustrating.  After several issues putting together what we might term a "plausible deniability" scenario regarding Xavier's death, they make it abundantly clear in this issue that the man who dies in Angel's arms is very much the real deal.  His thought bubbles make it clear he has access to psychic powers, which he then uses later on against Grotesk.

I suppose you could just about forge a twisted argument that says Changeling is deliberately thinking like Xavier in case Grotesk has psychic powers, and that the real Xavier is monitoring the situation and using his own powers when called upon, that would rather defeat the point of Xavier building his psi-proof chamber to sit in whilst Clarence pretended to be him.

It's a real shame, because it would have worked perfectly with a little tweaking (most obviously a vaguer internal monologue from Xavier, and an alternative to trying to mind-punch Grotesk).  It would also have made the idea of "Xavier" wearing the latex mask to get into the lab pretty cool: Clarence having to wear a normal disguise to disguise the fact he's a master of disguise.  That's a brilliant little multi-layered idea.

Alas, it was not to be. 

Cyclops seems to be getting more creative with his powers.  Using it as a retro-rocket is a really nice idea, as is fractionally opening his visor to use his blasts to slow objects in motion.  The fact that he successfully does this with Angel, who was so badly hurt the last time he made contact with Cyclop's force beam he claimed Cyclops tried to kill him, is quite fitting, even if I suspect it's coincidental.

Clues

This issue follows on directly from the previous one.  The strange mix of bare and full-canopied trees is still in evidence. Maybe there's a blight going round.

Date

Sunday 13^th April, 1980.

X-Date

X+744.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.21 standard years.

(Iceman is 37 years old.)

"Just call me a cock-eyed optimist, ugly!"

Contemporary Events

The last day on Earth dawns in which you cannot acquire an Iron Maiden album. How had civilisation survived so long?

Standout Line

"[I] shall teach you the meaning of fear, masked one... with this massive apparatus!"  Maybe that radiation surge helped Grotesk out a little bit more than we thought, if you get my meaning?

(His cock is big, is my point).

UXM #41: "Now Strikes... The Sub-Human!"

("Ah, alpha particles.  Is there anything they can't do?")

Comments

First thing's first: I love that cover. We're still squarely in the "more vibrant colours means more awesome" era of comic books (to the extent to which that was an era, rather than an almost immutable law), so something comparatively understated like this is a joy to see.  It even has (whisper it) atmosphere, something the comic has decidedly lacked until now.

Radiation really is a wonderful all-purpose plot device, isn't it?  This time around it not only wipes out Grotesk's entire race, but it also makes him ugly, super-strong, and inflicts him with amnesia that can only be cured by him reciting the entire story to himself.  It's Roy Thomas' very own sonic screwdriver. 

At least Grotesk's motivation - his entire civilisation was accidentally wiped out and he blames humanity - makes for a better driving force than that of most of the villains we've seen so far.

Another X-Men tradition gets its initial airing, as we get our first glimpse of the "impending secret catastrophe makes Xavier a total dickhead" phenomenon.  Indeed, he acts so unbearably during the X-Men's training session that I initially thought he'd been already been replaced by Changeling, until he started being a prick telepathically.  Two demerits apiece for Hank and Bobby because they rushed into the Danger Room in civvies?  What a turd!

(Besides, if anything regarding Hank and Bobby's behaviour in this issue should raise eyebrows, it's how they respond to a brutal attack on their subway car by waiting for the lights to go out and then taking their clothes off.  Just sayin'.)

I can't help thinking Mr Clancy might be a bit too jittery to sit on a board of trustees.  Turning on a dime from "this machine cannot possibly work" to "this machine could be used to destroy the planet!" is a fairly remarkable transition, and indicates rather strongly that he should probably try to cut down on the coffee (I think Al Gore talked about a similar type of reaction in An Inconvenient Truth; perhaps they've met).

I adore the fact that Cyclops immediately concludes that all this secretive business between Xavier and Jean is because the professor is in love with her.  Right or wrong (who knows when he gave up hope of offering her a few, ahem, "private lessons"), it's completely believable that a teenage boy as deeply in love as Scott is(which is to say all teenage boys everywhere, ever) would be incapable of imagining any relationship between Jean and another man which didn't involve the latter lusting after her.  This is why we should slap people who claim to miss their lives before they turned twenty.

The five-pages-at-a-time origins story continues in this issue.  Once again it's mostly forgettable, save for it demonstrating that Xavier apparently had telekinetic powers once upon a time, and for showing us that, amazingly, Thomas hasn't entirely mined out the potential uses of radiation, having added "can give you hands made out of diamonds" to the list of possible side-effects.

Mind you, this is Marvel we're talking about, here.  They should just come up with a "random response to radioactive bombardment" table and have done with it.

Clues

This issue takes place over a single night.

Following standard practice, we'll set this the day after the previous adventure.  Iceman certainly notes that they could have done without a giant monster smashing up the NY subway system so soon after Factor Three and Frankenstein's Monster.

Something strange is clearly happening to the trees hereabouts; some are still in full bloom, others are completely bare.  Obviously Thomas is trying to throw me off the scent...

Date

Sunday 13^th April, 1980.

X-Date

X+744.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 2.17 standard years.

(Iceman is 38 years old.)

"Holy cow!"

Contemporary Events

The 6221 Ducenetesima asteroid is discovered in the main belt by Antonin Mrkos.

Standout Line

"It cannot be mere chance! They must be directed at me... from the outer world!" It's Writing 101 time again, folks: if a coincidence is so ridiculously unlikely that your own characters refuse to believe it, you probably shouldn't try to get it past your readers either.