That Was The Year That Was: 1981

1981, by my reckoning, was the year in which Marvel's mutant population became the subject of a franchise.  I'll admit up-front that this is very much arguable.  One could choose 1975 instead - that was the year that saw both Uncanny X-Men return and The Champions debut, both of which included mutants in their line-up, as well as seeing Beast join the Avengers (which had already featured Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver in their ranks).

To my mind, though, it wasn't enough for mutants to simply feature as main characters.  I don't think the X-Men truly became a franchise until multiple books were available about being a mutant.  The Champions and The Avengers were both "standard" superhero team books (I mean to imply no criticism in that phrase).  Dazzler, by contrast was, like UXM, about - at least in part - the difficulty faced by being part of the mutant race.  That, to me, is when mutants stopped being the concern of just one book. 

There's probably also others that might want to go for 1982 instead, since that's when Marvel Graphic Novel #4 introduced the New Mutants, and also when the first limited X-Men series, Wolverine, was published.  I guess it comes down to whether you see Dazzler as part of the X-books series (since it's about a mutant who originally appeared in UXM and who struggles with her genetic status) or not (because it's about a singer who has no interest in getting involved with the struggle for either mutant rights or the punching of evil in the face).

All that said, then, what did 1981 bring us?  Well, as mentioned, we got Dazzler, which grew from a rather underdeveloped and throwaway special guest-athon into something perhaps ahead of it's time - a book in which superheroism isn't just seen as an interruption to everyday life (Spiderman had that covered) but an imposition to the point where the heroine actively tried to avoid any contact with the abnormal.  That angle, combined with the significant sub-plots involving Dazzler's career progression and love life, ultimately caused sales to drop, which is a shame, and I wonder if that led to the book attempted to return to its original roots.  Galactus sending Dazzler into a black hole is after all pretty similar to Doom sending her into the realm of nightmares, but in the later story there's no fretting over getting gigs under the belt to at least bring some spin to the rather by-the-numbers storyline.  Even without completely dropping the slice-of-life stuff, I don't see how the book could become anything other than ludicrously schizophrenic.  I guess I'll see when I finish the first Essential volume.

Over on the book that started it all, meanwhile, Claremont was now into the seventh year of his run, and by this point he had most certainly got his eye in.  Some of the most famous X-Men stories had already been and gone - the initial Shi'ar/D'Ken storyline, the "Dark Phoenix Saga", but 1981 saw the first full year of Shadowcat in the team line-up (I may not have liked the character back then, but I can hardly claim she wasn't important), along with the now-classic "Days of Future Past" story.  If a story's impact can be measured by how many times future writers return to it (at least in name), then this must surely be in at least the top five X-Men stories ever written.

This was also the year that provided some long-overdue complexity to Magneto, the X-Men's oldest foe.  UXM #150 re-cast the man as a principled man so deluded by his experiences that he'd somehow become a callous terrorist.  This new approach to Magneto would be template for later years, and lead to him regularly featuring in the top echelons of "greatest comic villain ever", and with good reason.

All this, and the Brood too!  I'm not sure I'd go so far as to say 1981 was a pivotal year for the comic, so much as part of a pivotal era that lasted for a great deal (though by no means all) of Claremont's run.  Having said that, we're clearly at the start of something, and by the end of the following year, there can be no doubt that we'd reached the point at which the X-franchise was up and running.

DAZ #10: "In The Darkness... A Light!"

(Into the black.)

Comments

Welcome to Drone R-II's[1] Powerpoint presentation on Alison Blaire, AKA "Dazzler".  During this presentation, please refrain from smoking, drinking, or consuming entire planets along with their inhabitants.

We can skip over most of this talk, actually, since we're already up on Dazzler's history.  One slide's worth noting, though:

I would dearly like to know how one calculates a person's "confrontational quotient" and "dysfunction potential", and how high Daz is scoring in either case.

(Also, what the Hell is going on with her shoulders up there?  There's no way those three pictures are of the same person unless her clavicles are attached to her spine like curtains on a rail.)

Galactus listens patiently to his drone's lecture, and concludes his minion is correct.  It's time to pay Earth another visit.

Back on the slopes of Mt Athena, Dazzler has done a runner before the Feds can either recapture her or get their faces burned off by her now-uncontrollable power.  Unfortunately, the combination of the epic destruction in her wake and the near-blinding brilliance of her body make tracking her an embarrassingly simple task, and Quasar catches up with her within minutes.  Alas, Galactus gets there first, and no amount of "limitless energy... from distant quasi-stellar bodies" (I never knew that's what quasar was short for - who says comics ain't edookashionul?) can stop Dazzler's abduction.

Drone R-II stands ready to receive Alison (I guess Drone C-III is busy employing one of his over six million forms of cowering in a corner), and tells her first that she's been brought here by a transport beam packed with tranquilisers to calm her down, and second that Galactus wants a word with her, which you'd think would counteract the sleepy-ray, quick-sharp.

Dazzler can't understand what Galactus could want with her, and decides to go find him and get some answers.  Upon reaching his inner sanctum, however, she finds herself entirely unable to gain his attention.  Fortunately, of course, she was granted phenomenal cosmic power back when she accidentally killed that guy that time, so she's confident that she can disrupt Galactus' reverie by shooting him in the spine.  Points for chutzpah,  I guess, but I'm definitely starting to think R-II has underestimated Alison's dysfunction quotient.  "I don't see how things could get any worse!", she tells her robot buddy.  Here's a clue, Daz: Galactus hasn't yet killed you instantly.  Not that it matters in the end, even when Galactus finally feels her blasts, he merely asks R-II why he's being disturbed by a mortal "flee."

It seems Galactus is feeling rather sorry for himself.  Frankly, I'd have more sympathy for him if he hadn't already told R-II that there's no point in feeling sorry for the billions of people Galactus chomps through every few weeks).  Turns out, I don't get a vote, though, because...

Welcome to Galactus' Powerpoint presentation on his own history.  During this presentation, please refrain from smoking, drinking, or repeatedly shooting the speaker with lasers whilst he's trying to get some work done.  Long story short: all of Galactus' heralds have been men of principle, who ultimately rebelled out of distaste for his interstellar rampage of genocide, so this time he chose Terrax the Tamer, an unprincipled, hard-hearted villainous bastard, only to learn that those guys are pretty experienced in sneaky treachery as well. Terrax tried using his Herald powers to rule over an entire planet, and when Galactus found out, the Tamer fled into a black hole to escape his master's wrath (as well as, you know, every fucking thing else).

This, we learn, is why Dazzler is here: Galactus wants her to retrieve his former herald from the black hole.  Because, I swear to God, her light can defeat the "dimension of anti-light" that a black hole apparently is.  To think I complained about lightning in space.  Alison meekly follows R-II to the other end of the ship - perhaps a surprising move, given that a few pages earlier she was willing to blast Galactus in the back purely because she was too small to tap him on the shoulder - and is locked into some kind of chamber.  There, she's bombarded with sound, super-charging her powers.

The resulting flow of energy oscillates between breaking her mind, and bringing her to photogasm, but she manages to keep her head and keep her clothes on. She's also now powerful enough to be worthy of Galactus' attention, although his mission briefing basically amounts to "I'm tying you to my ship and chucking you into a black hole - try not to die."  Once inside said celestial phenomenon, Dazzler finds Terrax almost immediately, but he's not particularly happy to receive visitors, especially those sent by Galactus.  His first move is to cut through Alison's life-line, and it looks a great deal like stage two is going to involve him stabbing her to death...

Clues

This issue begins a few minutes after Dazzler's escape from Project PEGASUS, and takes place over the course of an hour or two.

Date

Thursday 19^th of January, 1983.

X-Date

 X+4Y+284.

Contemporary Events

The Apple Lisa is released.  Due to its high price, the Lisa was not particularly popular, though NASA was a big customer, leading to problems when Lisa was discontinued.

Standout Line

"The only honor I want is a gold record!"  - Dazzler refuses to be grateful for the chance to die horribly as an enforced favour to Galactus.

[1] See what they did there?

DAZ #9: "The Sound And The Fury!"

(Tested to destruction.)

Comments

Last time around we watched Dazzler being bundled into a black limousine to meet the mysterious "Mr Meeker".  Today we learn that it's Meeker who's been following her around over the last few days.  The car takes them to part of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where a jetcopter (presumably designed to allow maximum speed whilst also keeping the Cloisters grass nice and tidy) is waiting for Meeker and Alison.  Ignoring her questions, he flies her to a secret base in Mount Athena, somewhere north of NYC.

Dazzler, we learn, has been "recruited" by Project PEGASUS ( Potential Energy Group / Alternate Sources / United States), who are looking for ways to harness mutants' power as energy sources.  That's actually a really good idea, and one I've always been surprised doesn't pop up more often.  It's also probably not surprising that the US would be so lax regarding the definition of a volunteer.  You have to begrudgingly admire a bunch of Feds so amoral and wrapped in double-think that they can argue Alison has come of her own free will since they didn't actually point their guns at her, and then immediately imply that if she leaves, they'll out her as a mutant in the flesh.  Nice bunch.

Fortunately for them, and Alison, they have an ace up their sleeve, the apparently exceedingly dashing superhero Quasar (real name "Wendell", which explains his desire for an alternative identity).  One look at him, and Dazzler becomes far less concerned with such nebulous concepts as "freedom", or the fact she already has a man back home.  In don't mind so much that Dazzler's potential new employers thought up this plan, but the fact it works so completely doesn't say much for how much grasp Fingeroth has on the workings of the female mind.

Especially since Quasar is clearly an idiot, ending Dazzler's tour as he does with a look around "the compound", where various super-villains are held.  For one, what could possibly make someone think a "super-hero type" like Alison would want to take a look at the opposition? ("Hi, Death Dave, this is Dazzler.  Remember her face next time you escape and start up a murderous rampage, huh?")? Second, why would you show a mutant that you've got another mutant locked away, whilst admitting that he's not actually a criminal, just a man with the mind of a child who needs keeping inside a special "crib"?  (Luckily, Dazzler doesn't mind, because of Wendell's well-defined forearms, or something, because that is how women roll.)  Finally, when showing off a devious criminal like the Klaw, wouldn't you keep an eye on whether he's typing out messages to your guest, whether you're talking into your radio or not?

"DON'T TRUST THEM!" warns Klaw.  "SOON YOU'LL BE A PRISONER LIKE THE REST OF US!"  Which I can well believe, actually, given their behaviour so far, and if they turn out not be arrogant, manipulative, heartless thugs, well, they've only got themselves to blame for painting that picture to begin with.

Over the next week, whilst her phone rings off the hook from calls from those desperate for contact and/or for a booty call, Dazzler is subjected to a veritable cannonade of tests.  Most of them require her to wear a bikini, for some reason (this book really isn't doing too well on the Germaine Greer scale of feminism, I'd say it's at least four arrogantly raised Greer eyebrows, which as we all know, is only one short of being convertible into a withered Greer titty).  Once she's finished, though, the duplicitous suits demand another round of poking and prodding, and reveal the permission form she signed for the first round of experiments actually contained a clause allowing them to study her pretty much indefinitely.

Dazzler's plussed is decidedly non-, and so it's time for a prison break.  That's the plan, at least, but Quasar intercepts and easily defeats her. Exhausted by the fight, Alison slinks back to her quarters.

The next day, she arrives at breakfast in full Dazzler regalia, which is kind of worrying.  When a superhero carries her costume around with her, that's prudence.  When a singer carries her stage gear, it's unchecked narcissism, especially when they believe wearing it during the work day will cheer them up.  Not that Quasar is really helping; he's still busy trying to explain how wonderful PEGASUS is and how important their work is.  Confinement always looks different to those with no desire to leave.

I suppose Wendell can have some credit for persuading the PEGASUS brass not to keep Dazzler under 24 hour guard (though even that highlights how unconcerned he is that Dazzler has moved from volunteering through blackmail to being actually kept prisoner), but apparently his arguments were a little too good, because the guards seem perfectly happy to let her walk through the criminal-stocked compound without an escort.  The reader will not be surprised to learn that this goes horribly wrong.  Once again, Klaw sends her a message as she passes, warning her that the latest test he is will be forced to undergo will be excruciatingly painful.  As two PEGASUS flunkies approach his cell with what looks like cattle-prods scaled up to take down a brachiosaur, Klaw's concerns seem entirely plausible.  Dazzler also recalls how badly wrong everyone in authority is about the Hulk, which is a nice touch.  Ordinarily I might think all this "arrogance breeds mistrust and resentment" stuff is a little trowelled-on, but this is the US government we're talking about, so I'm not sure overstatement is possible.

Klaw feigns agony so convincingly that Dazzler snaps, using her light powers to force back the dinosaur-prodders, accidentally allowing Klaw to escape in the process.  He demonstrates his gratitude by flooring her with his sound-gun (which I'd think might have been worth confiscating at some point, but, whatever) and carving his way through the assorted nearby mooks.  Quasar wades in to try and help, but Klaw has spent his imprisonment figuring out exactly what tactics to use to beat Wendell, and so he lasts no longer than Dazzler.

Speaking of which, however, Dazzler isn't the smear on the polished floor Klaw has assumed.  Hitting a mutant who absorbs background noise with a beam of pure sound turns out to be a pretty bad idea.  In truth, Alison isn't particularly keen on her all-new, all-glowing status, especially since Klaw failed to kill her but succeeded entirely in hurting like Hell.  Even so, she's determined not to let the villain kill Quasar, the least gittish person she's met inside Mount Athena.  Klaw has a grill that must be got up in.

Except as little damage as sound-waves can do to her, her own light powers are even less use against someone comprised entirely of sound (answers on a postcard regarding what the fuck that means, exactly).  A rather more sound mind (no pun intended) than Klaw's would recognise a stalemate when presented with one, and just depart.  Klaw's hackles are up, though, and so he gives killing Dazzler another go, only to find that this time, she's unshakable.  Indeed, he's managed to set up a feedback loop.  The more sound he fires, the more she absorbs; the more she absorbs, the more powerful she becomes, and the quicker the absorption rate becomes.

By the time Klaw works this out, it's too late.  Alison is sucking up every sound within range, including him.  Even the sound of his own horrifying death doesn't escape, which is a pretty cool splash of grimness.  Dazzler manages to stop the chain reaction, and release some of the energy roiling inside her by burning a tunnel out of the mountain.  Naturally, her scientific jailers are overjoyed by this new surge in ability, musing aloud about the opportunities this presents "for science!"  Disgusted by this reaction to a man's death just seconds before, Dazzler uses her new powers to fly through the tunnel toward freedom. 

But power is not control, of course, and within moments, Alison loses control of her flight, begins involuntarily blasting apart her surroundings, and collapses upon the mountainside.

Meanwhile, a billion light years away, a robotic figure observes Dazzler's plight upon its viewscreen.  It pronounces itself impressed with the degree of power on display.  It has, we learn, grow so large that it will be perfect for the robot's master, Galactus, to use as a mid-morning snack...

Clues

This issue follows on directly from DAZ #8.  Dazzler describes her various probing sessions as having occurred over "the last week", and during her absence Johnny Storm mentions he'd arranged to meet up with Alison "this week".  We also have to take into account the week Dr Paul has been at his conference, though who knows what crazy timetables these medical doctors keep.

All told, I think we can get away with assuming Dazzler stays with PEGASUS from Thursday to Wednesday before her first escape attempt.  The issue ends on the following day.

Date

Thursday 12^th to Thursday 19^th of January, 1983.

X-Date

 X+4Y+277 to X+4Y+284.

Contemporary Events

Klaus Barbie is arrested in Bolivia.

Imran Kahn, Julian Morris and Samantha Mumba are born.

Standout Line

"Then go ahead, you slime!  Do it!  And you'd better make sure I'm dead, or else I'll find you again somday, and somehow I'll make you pay!"
"Brave words.  I shall remember them for at least a week." - Dazzler and Klaw.

DAZ #8: "Hell... Hell Is For Harry!"

(Technical difficulties.)

Comments

(Man, that's a shitty cover. Dazzler looks like she's been assimilated by two giant Borg-oranges that she's stuffed into her catsuit.  When will people learn that oranges are our sworn foes?)

Right now

Up in Harry S. Osgood's office, the big man himself - along with Lance, the pretty-boy with the brownest nose in showbiz - is watching performance tapes of Dazzler, trying to work out how her trademark SFX are created.  Frustrated by the mystery, he phones up Alison (interrupting another now-abortive date with Paul), and demands she present herself forthwith.

When faced with the actual question, Alison realises she's in something of a bind.  Does she risk being fired by keeping her mouth shut, or risk her safety by outing herself as a mutant.  For that matter, how likely is it that Osgood would be willing to keep a mutant on the books in any case?  If a few dozen people in a subway station are prepared to rip your limbs off for foiling a mugging, it seems entirely plausible that your employment prospects are similarly precarious, especially since you've been a risky proposition from the get-go.

There's kind of an interesting moral question under all of this: are there people who have the right to know you're a mutant?  Not just because they're at risk of a supervillain attack or the arrival of an angry mob at any moment, but because much as we might wish otherwise, mutants as a group are dangerous within themselves.  Even those that seem stable could undergo an extreme secondary mutation at any time (though of course that wasn't a feature of mutants when this issue was published).  There's obviously a lot of in-universe and real world dislike of Senator Kelly-style mandatory registration, but it doesn't follow from that that there isn't some kind of moral duty here.  Indeed, it's possible that consciously or otherwise Harry suspects Alison is a mutant, and wants confirmation (it's also almost certainly the case that Harry's interest is born out of concern for public safety, as we'll see later).

I don't really have an answer to any of that; I just thought it was worth considering.  In any event, Dazzler's decision on the matter is to tell Harry to piss off.

Whilst Dazzler heads home to sulk/plan a new career, and Harry is off on some errand perhaps best left unconsidered, the Enforcers (hired last issue by Villainous McHideyface to kill Dazzler's amply-proportioned managed) break into Osgood's rehearsal room - currently occupied by Lance and one of Osgood's other bands, who apparently also feature a female singer who Lance is attempting to get into bed - and start smashing the place up.  Lance's self-preservation instincts once again overtake his bravado, and he meekly watches as the mercenary trio break windows, amps, and a century-old Steinway piano.  Now that is just low.  If music industry bigwigs have to be rubbed out, then that's something I believe I can live with, but leave the antiques out of it.  Harry himself returns halfway through but, seeing the damage being done inside, beats a hasty retreat.

Once the Enforcers run out of things to smash ("Destroy all objects!", as we used to say when trying to maximise our vandalism in games of Umbrella Chronicles) they head back to their employer's Twin Tower offices for further instructions.  In addition to new marching orders, they get to see exactly who's pulling their strings:

Not pictured: the awesome bionic hands that led me to briefly hope he was Doctor Claw.

Techmaster figures Harry is too smart to have hidden at home, and this proves to be true, he's headed over to Dazzler's apartment instead.  Alison, of course, wants to know just what the Hell is going on, which means it's flashback time!

Several years earlier

Harry's putting together a titanic New Year's Eve disco bash, and he hires special effects guru Billy "Techmaster" Bitzer.  Bitzer's new ideas are a bit low on what people in the trade call "basic safety precautions", and Osgood is forced to refuse permission for Bitzer's Massive Random Internal Roof Lightning Explosion, or whatever Billy wants to call it.

Billy, of course, completely ignores these instructions, sets his machine off, kills someone, finds the emergency shut-off is fused, kills a bunch more people, gets his hands blown off, starts screaming in pain (accompanied by the sound ofmore people getting killed) and finally has his face melted by one of his own lightning bolts.

Naturally, he blames Harry.

The last days of disco

There's not much time for Dazzler to absorb Harry's story, because the Enforcers have found them!  They effortlessly cow Alison (if only she had some kind of superpower!) and abduct Harry, smashing the phone on the way out to prevent her summoning help.

Once the coast is clear and Alison has calmed down, realises she needs to head out to a payphone.  Time is of the essence!  Why, she barely has time to strip down to her underwear.  Once suitably attired, she goes down to the street, and tries in vain to persuade first the police (who aren't interested) and then Lance (who isn't home) to come with her as she cases out the disco hall (now supermarket) where Bitzer was originally hurt.  Eventually, she faces up to the fact that she'll have to go in alone (if only she had some kind of superpower!), aside from the taxi driver who gets her there.  She's barely finished paying him and watching him drive off when a gun-toting hood gets the drop on her (if only she had...!), and brings her into the shopping centre.

Inside she's reunited with a now hogtied Harry, along with the Enforcers, who are rather pleased about the unexpected arrival of a nice bit of entertainment.  Luckily for our heroine, though, the three villains have set up shop (no pun intended) near the supermarket's tannoy system, and she's able to lunge towards it and turn it on full blast.  The resulting tsunami of music allows her to dazzle the Enforcers and escape.  Then she's captured again.  Then she escapes.  Then she's captured again.  All in the space of four pages, which might just explain why no-one thinks to turn the music off.  I realise Ox is too stupid and Montana probably too inbred to have figured it out, but what's Fancy Dan's excuse?  Too fancy?  Or is his ridiculous hat so tight it's cutting off the blood to his brain?

Dazzler escapes again, and this time makes it stick, throwing a can of peas through the store-front and so setting off the alarms.  By the time the Enforcers wake up from their light-induced comas, the police have already arrived.  All of this heroism has come at a price, though: Osgood now knows Alison's secret.  Even this works out in her favour, however; Harry promises he's not the bigoted type even regarding mutants that haven't saved his life.

Another happy ending, then.  But not one entirely without loose ends.  Techmaster has escaped justice, for one thing.  And, only the morning after saving her boss from his enemies, Dazzler finds herself approached by the latest in a long line of Shadowy Figures (this one wearing special anti-dazzle glasses), and she's forced at implied gunpoint into the back seat of a car, there to meet: Mr Meeker...

Clues

There's a few things to square away this issue.  Dazzler mentions her encounter with an unpleasant mob in DAZ #6 happened "recently".  If we set this issue the day after DAZ #7, then "recently" translates into "three days ago".  Which is technically fine, but I'd think you'd be more likely to describe that as "just days ago". 

There's also the fact that Dazzler manages a (brief) date with Dr Paul Sexyman (I don't remember his real name) here, which suggests a little time has passed, since during DAZ #7 Nurse Clungeblocker (I do remember her real name, this one is just funnier) was throwing away Dazzler's messages to him.  I suppose Alison could have simply called later in the day (or Sexyman could have picked up the phone and called her), of course.

Thirdly, we have the Mysterious Stranger, who in the final panel of DAZ #7 announced he would have to contact Alison "soon", and who has now moved to "ASAP", which again at least implies we're not following on directly.  Contrary to all of this, however, we have the fact that Montana, Ox and Fancy Dan were hired last issue to kill Osgood, and only make their first attempt this issue.  One presumes that when hires assassins to kill an unarmed fat man in a known location, one expects the job to be done with a certain degree of promptness.

In order to balance all this, as best as a man can, I'm going to assume we've skipped a day (presumably Montana and Fancy Dan needed a full 24 hours to explain the plan to Ox).  The issue itself takes place over two days.

Date

Wednesday 11^th to Thursday 12^th of January, 1983.

X-Date

X+4Y+276 to X+4Y+277.

Contemporary Events

Satellites detect unusual auroral features in the Earth's atmosphere.

Standout Line

"The explosion of pain in her stomach has not yet subsided as a rock-hard fist slams into her face -- her face!"

HER FACE!!!

Ah, simpler times, eh?  Back when all a man needed to prove that they were evil even by the standards of lawless assassins was to punch a girl in the face, even though they were pretty.

DAZ #7: "Fort Apache, The Hulk!"

(The calming powers of canines and cowardice.)

Comments

Outside the gig, all is understandably chaos.  The band and the audience both have fled the building with all possible speed.  Lance is made of sterner stuff, though, and vows to rescue Alison, a plan that lasts exactly as long as it takes for a piece of debris to almost crush him, after which he retreats.  He's done all he can do.

Meanwhile, Dazzler herself is following the Hulk's trail of devastation, still hoping she can reason with him somehow.  She finds him flinging pool tables around a student rec room, and starts preparing her lightshow.

Meanwhile, in a spacious Twin Towers office, a shadowy figure has recruited three supervillains, not by paying them, but by breaking them out of Ryker's Island.  Presumably he didn't have the resources to get into any particularly high security areas, however, because all he managed to liberate were "the Enforcers": Montana, who is quite handy with a lasso; Ox, a standard super-strong type who I doubt could beat the Hulk at a game of "point at your own face"; and the fantastically-named Fancy Dan, who looks like a '40s spiv, and can't even get down from a handstand without spilling Ox's drink.  Not, I would think, a trio to be particularly concerned about.

Still, I guess they'll have the element of surprise on their side.  I was surprised when I learned of their mission, anyway.  Shadowy McNoName has hired them to assassinate Harry S. Osgood, Dazzler's manager and... a multiple murderer?

Back at the college, Dazzler doesn't seem to able to do more than, ahem, dazzle the Hulk - he can't see well enough to beat her to death, but if anything he's causing more damage than ever now he's repeatedly being blinded. Alison catches a break when the military arrive; they don't do any better than her (even with their rather strange "grappler" tank, which reminds me of the gloriously mental array of specially-designed armoured vehicles the Americans deployed on the beaches of Europe on D-Day), but at least she gets her breath back, and Hulk has time to calm down a little and head for the science building "to think".

(The military bozos start off not believing in the Hulk as well, by the way.  Which frankly seems like a step beyond ludicrous obtuseness and into full-blown dickiness.  They're calling Thunderbird Ross and all their comrades out west liars?)

Alison sneaks into the building behind the Hulk, still determined to stop him from hurting anyone, but now that he's on his own, the Hulk seems calmer.  He even frees the dogs that are being kept in cages for experimentation, which of course makes him immediately completely awesome.  Dazzler makes the link between how she dealt with the Hulk and how the mob treated her after she stopped that mugging a few days earlier.  It's not a perfect fit, of course - I don't remember Alison threatening to take apart anyone who got in her way - but it isn't a bad idea, and explains why that scene was in there in the first place (originally I'd just assumed DeFalco didn't have enough material for two full issues, and was offering his own take on the grand old tradition of mid-arc filler).  And I suppose it's pretty hard to feel too good about sneaking up on something whilst it has its back turned, and is stroking a doggy.

The arrival of another squad of soldiers threatens to ruin everything; Dazzler gets rid of them with a burst of light, but the Hulk assumes she's back to cause more trouble.  Perhaps taking inspiration from the canine spectators, Alison rolls over, admitting that she can't possibly beat the Hulk, and that he scares the crap out of her besides.  Satisfied by her surrender, Hulk allows her to stay, and even lets her put on a soothing light show for him, which works so well that he reverts back to Bruce Banner.  Feeling sorry for him, Dazzler smuggles him off campus with her band's gear, and gives him $200 as he hits the highway once more.

That was the only money Alison had, of course, though that doesn't occur to her until she returns home to an empty fridge.  She phones Dr Paul, hoping perhaps he'll finally get around to buying him breakfast, but the prissy nurse Ms. Collins answers.  Apparently her hatred of Dazzler stems from her own romantic interest in the good doctor, and she's running interference, telling Alison that Dr Paul is never free, and Dr Paul that Alison never calls.

There are bigger concerns at present, however.  Whomever it was stalking around the building during rehearsals last issue, he shows up again during the fight with the Hulk, and now he's standing directly outside Alison's apartment, preparing to make contact, so that she can "be of use"...

Clues

Looking back at the last two issues, there's a glaring fault in the timeline as is: it's clearly term time for Gordon University.   We therefore need to add in four weeks somewhere, in order to ensure this is taking place in early January, rather than early December (indeed, Dazzler's gig could well be part of a term-starting shindig).  Looking back over the last six issues, I suspect the easiest option is to add ten days or so to each of the periods between DAZ #2 and DAZ #3, and DAZ #5 and DAZ #6.  I'll post the updated - and now hopefully finalised - 1982 timeline later today.  This also means that we're finally past UXM #143, chronologically speaking.

The issue itself starts immediately after the last one ended, and continues into the following morning.

Date

Sunday 8^th to Monday 9^th of January, 1983.

X-Date

X+4Y+274 to X+4Y+275.

Contemporary Events

American professional wrestler Chris Masters is born, who from my various brief discussions on the subject with those who know about such things, I believe is sort of a big deal.

Standout Line

"Hulk will let girl live!  If girl doesn't call Hulk "gentle" again.  Girl is stupid!"

Note to self, ladies; the only thing more embarrassing than catching a guy masturbating is catching him cuddling puppies and cooing lovingly.

DAZ #6: "The Hulk Can Be Hazardous To Your Health!"

("The music of pain.")

Comments

You know, having mocked this title for the last five issues, I think I'm starting to warm to it.  I mentioned before that Dazzler has certain similarities to Spider Man, principally the difficulty in holding down a job whilst also having to contend with super powers.  But it's becoming increasingly clear that this book twists that idea in two main ways.

First: Dazzler's quest to become a singing sensation is a horrible grind (despite both her talent and her looks) quite independently of her superpowers.  Alison's two lives are separate rather than intertwined.  More importantly, though, Dazzler is absolutely desperate to not have anything to do with superheroics.  "With mediocre power comes great desire to be left alone", as it were.  Indeed, we're two thirds of the way through this issue before Dazzler comes across anything out of the ordinary (muggers notwithstanding).  In place of mission briefings and portentous build-up, DeFalco is building up his cast of characters, all of which all belong to Dazzler's "normal life".  The portly and imperious Osgood, the dismissive Cassandra, and the preening narcissist Lance are now joined by a new backing band for Alison; guitar player Marx, bassist Hunch, and drummer Beefer.  None of them have much of in the way of character yet (barring Beefer, who's shtick seems to be he's a big man with a borderline eating disorder), but I'm glad to see them introduced for the names alone.

So, let's talk plot.  The band have only just gotten together, and are hammering out their sound, but Osgood already has a gig lined up for them.  And this one will even pay, which makes a change.  There's always a catch, of course, and in this case, it's that they've been booked as a country band, despite not one of them looking like they've so much as heard of Hank Williams.  Worse is to come, when Dazzler observes an attempted subway mugging as she makes her way home, and feels compelled to intervene.  She manages to beat the muggers (just barely, by channelling the noise made by an approaching subway train) but her fellow commuters repay her with an attempted lynching, fearing her to be a mutant.  Showbiz travails and the mutant metaphor.  And we've not even gotten to the jade juggernaut yet.

Things pick up when Alison gets home to find Dr Paul waiting for her.  Well, she thinks things have picked up, at least.  I'm less convinced of the value of discovering a man who treated you for head trauma has used your medical records to follow you home.  I guess nothing seems creepy if it's being done by someone sexy enough?  Either way, Doctor Paul doesn't have long to drug her and tie her up in the sewers enjoy a bottle of wine before his pager goes off, and he has to return to the hospital.  So now you have the difficulties inherent in a struggling singer attempting to date a characteristically busy doctor, set against the backdrop of the disco-soundtracked '80s and its attendant bigotry.  With a ludicrous backing band and pussy-hungry bodyman for comic relief.  Frankly, I'm not sure you need the superheroics on top of that, though I admit that I probably wouldn't read it.

Of course, I wouldn't be reading this, if I didn't suffer from the hideous condition known as OCDX. 

What?  Look it up, it's real.

The next day, Dazzler, Lance and the boys arrive at Gordon College for their gig.  Also on campus is a certain Doctor Bruce Banner, looking to get a cleaning job that will give him an excuse to check out the science labs and their promising genetic research.  Alas, HR is too savvy to hire a guy without a social security number, but Lance offers him ten dollars to play roadie, and Banner accepts.

Later, during Dazzler's surprisingly well-received set (apparently a cowboy hat and the odd "Yee-haw!" has carried the day), Banner breaks into the labs, only to be immediately rumbled.  The resulting chase causes Brucie to hulk out, and the perennially confused green titan gets still madder when he falls down a lift shaft, swearing vengeance against those who brought him to this (which I think is gravity, pretty much, but whatever).  His first port of call on his poorly-defined rampage of revenge proves to be the stage, where Dazzler and band are about to wrap up.

Dazzler is somewhat surprised by this particular stage invader, especially since she didn't really believe the Hulk was real in the first place (seriously, does no-one in the Marvel Universe pay any attention?).  For his part, the Hulk is somewhat unimpressed to find four people wearing the exact same kind of stupid hats sported by those who tried to kill him in Texas.  So is it the Hulk who's hazardous to your health, or just country music?  Battle, inevitably, ensues.  Dazzler gets the chance to try out generating holograms, but she hasn't gotten it down yet.  On the other hand, Hulk's battle-plan in its entirety is to "small all light", which doesn't go very well, ultimately causing an unfortunate collision with some high-voltage equipment and a hasty retreat.

Despite realising that she's outmatched, even by the standards of her recent battles, Alison chases after the Hulk to try and stop him causing any more damage.  Meanwhile, in the darkness of the auditorium, someone is watching her every move.

Clues

This story begins on a Friday, and continues until Saturday evening.  The surrounding foliage seems a bit lush for the first third of December, but whatever else this title is, it's pretty specific on the various stages of Dazzler's career, and I don't see how there could possibly have been time to get to other side of winter.

Date

Friday 10^th to Sunday 11^th of December, 1982.

X-Date 

X+4Y+255 to X+4Y+256.

Contemporary Events

The UN's provisions for the law of the sea are agreed.

Standout Line

"Here, Cassandra, let me move this incredibly heavy speaker over here so you can have a seat." - Lance

DAZ #5: "Tell Joey I Love Him!"

(Favours for a stranger.)

Comments

Dazzler is now in the hospital, and deep in delirium.  Doom and the Enchantress assail her in her dreams, along with Nightmare, which is nothing if not appropriate.  But there's another figure there as well, someone Alison doesn't recognise, but who apparently scares her more than anyone else present.  Imagine the implications of that: a man in a nightmare so terrifying he outstrips the entity responsible for nightmares themselves whilst it stands right before you.  Whether Nightmare considers this an encroachment upon his territory, or at least a breach of professional ethics, this story does not record.

Eventually, Dazzler awakes.  This is, perhaps, not a standard hospital stay.  The nurse is a sneering Puritan: "That silver jumpsuit!  A blatant invitation to trouble" she announces huffily, because we all know a girl only has herself to blame when her sexy attire gets her jumped by megalomaniacs wanting to hurl them into another dimension.  The doctor seems more interested in knocking roller skates with Alison than keeping an eye on any head trauma (not that Dazzler minds the attention, actually).  And the woman in the next bed keeps talking in her sleep, moaning about someone called Joey, and how much she loves him.

Up north a few blocks, there's a meeting being held by various elements of the local criminal, er, element.  The flunkies of local crime boss Bo Barrigan are dividing up the loot.  Payday is interrupted, though, by the Blue Shield, a super-strong bullet-proof man who takes the hoodlum's money.  But is he returning it to it's rightful owners?  Or is he keeping it for himself?  Either way, he clearly has it in for Barrigan, and Blue Shield isn't going to stop the attacks just because Barrigan has found himself some kind of mysterious super-weapon.

By the next morning, Dazzler is feeling well enough for her doctor to try hitting on her.  His technique is nicely original, I suppose: he kicks off by regaling Alison with the story of her room-mate Anita's life (which you'd think would be a violation of something, wouldn't you?).   Joey, we learn, was her son, who narrowly escaped death during a gangland shoot-out that claimed his father's life.  Bo Barrigan, who was the target of the attack, felt guilty enough to offer Anita money to support her.  She turned him down flat, but Joey accepted instead once he came of age, and now works in Barrigan's "organisation".

Doctor Paul finishes off his tale with an offer of brunch, but Dazzler turns him down in favour of heading to her manager's and hoping she hasn't been cut adrift.  In fact, though, it's just the opposite - Osgood is so delighted by Dazzler's publicity following the UN heist, he even gives her an advance.  With her immediate financial crises alleviated, Alison is feeling charitable, and since she knows how it feels to lose family members - or be discarded by them, she recruits Beast over at Avengers Mansion to track down Anita's son.

The trace doesn't take long, but when Dazzler goes to see him, Joey is out, attending a meeting with Barrigan, who is unveiling the one-man "terror tank" he's stolen from the military, and intends to use to crush the Blue Shield. 

Except - and it this is even close to a surprise, I'd suggest you read around a bit more - Joey is the Blue Shield, determined to bring down the man indirectly responsible for getting his father killed.  Interesting that his quest to avenge his father has led to him abandoning his mother, isn't it?  And even with Dazzler stood outside his office, waiting to talk to him, he brushes her off contemptuously, thinking she's a hopeful model looking for a job.

Angry, Dazzler follows him when he leaves, but lacking transport she has to hire a taxi, which leaves her deep in a rather unpleasant area of the docks.  Alison heads off to a warehouse she saw labelled  "Barrigan", and she has just enough time to discover the terror-tank hidden within before Bo himself shows up, flanked by goons, and grabs our heroine.  She gives a good account of herself (it's radio and magnetic roller-wheel time once again), but she's clearly in trouble, so Joey, watching in the shadows, puts on his Blue Shield costume and leaps in to help out.

Frankly, Dazzler is less than impressed by the attempted rescue ("Do you always make such grand entrances?  You must be a mass of insecurities!"), especially given his suffocating patriarchal attitude (it's almost cute to hear Dazzler complain about "a male chauvinist super hero!", as though she hasn't listened to a word any male hero has ever said in her presence since she first met the X-Men).  Still, they make for an effective combination, until Bo scrambles inside his stolen weapon, and prepares to gain his revenge.

The terror tank turns out to be fairly formidable, considering it's essentially just an R2 unit with tracks and cannons. Blue Shield gets nowhere before he's unceremoniously blasted.  Dazzler tries another of the maximum intensity bursts that got her out of trouble when fighting that demon three issues earlier, but the terror tank is made of sterner stuff - the visual scanners are overloaded, but Barrigan still has heat sensors to fall back on, and now Alison is out of charge.

It's time for a desperate plan, and to trust to luck.  Dazzler lures the tank onto a jetty, gambling whatever sensors Barrigan has left won't be able to detect the surrounding water, and also that Bo will have completely forgotten that he was fighting on the waterfront.  Annoyingly, the plan works, and Barrigan drives his vehicle straight into the water.  The now-recovered Blue Shield dives in after him; crushing Bo's empire was one thing, but he can't let the man himself die.  Barrigan has become like a second father to him, he realises, which as ironies go has to be particularly painful.  Sick of fighting, Blue Shield lays the unconscious Barrigan on the jetty for the cops, and asks Dazzler why she's here in any case.

Alison tells him of Cartelli, and his dying mother, and that she came all the way out here because a woman she met once wanted a man she now can't find to hear a message: "Tell Joey I love him."

A day later, the hospital has two visitors.  A man in a trench coat and wide-brimmed hat, and a certain blue aura, arrives at Anita's bedside to talk to her about the family he once lost.  And a fiery young blond us here as well, to let a certain dashing doctor take her to dinner.  It's a happy ending for everyone.  Everyone, that is, apart from the mad nurse woman, who's none to happy at the sight of sexy Doctor Paul stepping out with Dazzler, and resolves to take matters into her own hands.

Clues

This story begins soon after DAZ #4, and continues over the next three days.

Date

Tuesday 30^th of November to Friday 3^rd of December, 1982.

X-Date 

X+4Y+245 to X+4Y+248.

Contemporary Events

The first permanent artificial heart is implanted in a 61 year old in Utah.  He lives for sixteen weeks.

Marty Feldman passes away, aged 48.

Standout Line

"'I'll make some impression on Cartelli if I find him! 'Joey, your mother loves you, and I'm not a chippie.  Now could you lend me cabfare home?'"

DAZ #4: "Here Nightmares Reside!"

("Even Doom may err... in his choice of pawns!")

Comments

Things are looking bad for poor Ms Blaire, held hostage by a pair of Doom's robots whilst the man himself prepares to launch her into an alternate dimension to steal the second Merlin stone (I'm still manfully resisting using the obvious "Doom's Jewels" joke - I hope you're proud of me).  Doom taunts Dazzler for her silence, but she's too scared to talk.  That's quite nice, I think, an interesting change from the usual defiant snappy patter, though she quickly recovers.  Being able to speak and being able to resist are not the same thing, of course, and Alison finds herself summarily dispatched to a new universe in order to acquire Doom's desired trinket.

Over at the UN, Dazzler's management, the chief of security, and the Human Torch are all trying to piece together exactly what's happened.  No-one seems to have much of an idea, but the realisation that only one comparatively worthless jewel sets off alarm bells in Johnny Storm's head, which increase in ferocity once the dazed Dr Frazen begins ranting about Doom ruining his plans.

By this point, Dazzler has arrived at her destination, which she claims is mad enough to risk her entering "Cracker City", but to me looks like pretty much every other freaky alternate dimension Marvel have ever come up with, some kind of wibbly cosmic backdrop surrounding a single pointlessly tortuous road.  Also appearing: the obligatory demon-cloud monsters, hungry for human flesh, even though it might taste bad, or be poisonous to them, or something.  Like eggs and gnomes in Return to Oz.

Anyway, whether or not digesting her will kill these beasts isn't really a question Dazzler's interested in - she just wants to stay off the menu.  She grabs her portable radio so as to quickly soak up some sound-waves, but realises too late that she's unlikely to get particularly good reception now she's in a different universe, and realises not at all that she could just turn the volume to full and use the static for much the same effect.  The demons envelop her, much to the watching Doom's chagrin.

Not that Doom is upset she's failed to grab the stone, of course.  He was pretty sure she'd never manage that.  He is though somewhat bothered that she didn't even get so far as revealing any useful info about her enforced vacation spot before she was gobbled up by gaseous monsters.  How, he laments, is he possibly going to save the world (by taking it over, natch), when this is the quality of playing pieces he gets handed in the universal game.

(This, by the way, is one of the reasons Doom ranks amongst the greatest of Marvel villains - his utter certainty that he is humanity's only hope for survival.  He's not the only antagonist to be convinced that their schemes are actually for the benefit of the world, but I think Doom can be considered unique in that it's not the twisted nature of his endgame that's the problem (compared to turning everyone into mutants, slaughtering humanity, removing the physical realm to force us all to exist as a gestalt psychic presence, etc.) it's just the fact, obvious to all but him, that he'd be a shitty ruler.  I'll take that over any number of ludicrously warped visions of utopia.)

Doom changes the channel in disgust, and so misses Alison's last second escape, having used the demons own howls of victory to re-power herself and start dazzling.  I suppose that makes up for the radio SNAFU.  She's only just recovered from that attack when something tries to turn her own nightmares against her (specifically by manipulating her daddy issues), but she's getting her bearings now, and she shrugs off the attack and continues on.  Next up his her own negative image, who fires globes of darkness at our heroine.  But does she create them using sound, like Dazzler.  Or does she need silence?  The superhero opposites game is hard work, as Seinfeld has made abundantly clear:



In any case, Nega-Daz doesn't last long, as Alison goads her into screaming in rage, providing fuel for Dazzler's light-storm.  Sick of the failures of his constructs, the lord of the realm himself appears to do battle: Nightmare, lord of dreams and rider of flying black unicorns.  He talks a good game (albeit with ridiculous inflections), but it's no use.  By now Dazzler has become sufficiently tuned to the constant background noise of this universe (the music of these particular spheres, perhaps, of the song of Lord Nightmare's balls - I didn't promise to avoid all testicle jokes), and he eventually exchanges the Merlin stone in exchange for Alison leaving his domain.

A moment later, Doom returns Dazzler to his hidden New York base, but fighting off nightmares and Nightmare has made Alison a good deal braver than when she left.  Using one lightshow to deal with Doom's robots - they open fire on the bursts and end up totalling each other, killbot-style - Dazzler focusses another to laser intensity and obliterates both Merlin stones, pointing out she doesn't even know what the stones were for, she's just pissed off at being press-ganged by an ironclad prick.  Doom's response is a blast that leaves her close to death, but the arrival of Johnny Storm (whose been working through Doom's haunts after listening to Frazen's ranting) causes him to retreat, rather than defeat him in insufficiently humiliating circumstances.

And so Dazzler escapes, technically, though considering how horribly she is injured, will she live long enough to enjoy, or even recognise, her freedom?

Clues

This issue begins soon after the last one ended.  It's not clear how much time passes, but it's plausible this whole adventure takes place on the same night as the UNICEF concert.

Date

Tuesday 30^th of November, 1982.

X-Date 

X+4Y+245.

Contemporary Events

The USS Thomas Edison collides with the USS Wadleigh in the South China Sea.

Standout Line

"Magnanimous Doom will answer your pathetic queries!"

They should definitely have Doom in charge of the letters pages of every Marvel comic.  Remember when Grimlock headed up the letters column in the UK Transformers comic back in the '80s?  Those were frequently more fun than the storylines themselves.

DAZ #3: "The Jewels Of Doom!"

(UNemployable.)

Comments

Dazzler's grand tour of the Marvel Universe continues this issue as she heads off to visit the Fantastic Four.  In short order, this leads to Johnny flirting, Ben complaining, and Reed trying her out against one of his inventions: the "deluminizer", which seems to be an intensely complicated machine which can almost perfectly replicate the effect of some heavy curtains. Alison gets so bored in the process that she has to put out the Torch with a fire extinguisher just for something to do.

Further time-wasting is mercifully avoided when the group learn there are plans afoot to put on display some of Doctor Doom's former jewels, that have been loaned to the UN by Prince Zorba, current ruler of Latveria after deposing Doom.

Johnny is concerned that showing off all his shiny rocks will bring Doom out of hiding, but over at the UN, it's Latveria's ambassador Doctor Frazen who's planning to half-inch the treasures, before Zorba can sell them to boost the country's flagging economy. 

As luck would have it, Dazzler's headed for the UN as well, as an opener for a UNICEF benefit gig.  Alison is rather unimpressed that the only gig Osgood has lined up for her won't actually gather her any scratch, but apparently Osgood has blown all his time hiring a cocky pretty-boy fashion reject to order Dazzler around, so there's nothing to be done.

With nothing else to do for the next three weeks but fail to pay her rent or fill her pantry, Alison decides it's high time she patches up her relationship with her father, and heads for his house.  Fortunately, he's delighted to see her.  Unfortunately, that's because he immediately assumes she's come back to start taking orders.  Things rather go downhill once that misunderstanding is rectified.

There are worse things in the world than having a authoritarian gitchimp for a father.  You could be one of Doctor Doom's lackeys, a job which has apparently become no easier now that he's been deposed (I guess he's still smarting over the loss of his diplomatic immunity).  If you're supremely lucky, interrupting him with a message will result in you being allowed to live ("Rewarded beyond your worth!", as the man puts it). It's probably just as well the economy of Latveria is as crappy as it is, otherwise you'd have to imagine Doom would have significant HR problems.  As it is, though, one of his grovelling toadies lets him know about the UN exhibition, which will include something known in hushed whispers as "the Merlin Stone".  This, suffice to say, is something Doom wants back very, very badly.

Fast forward to the day of the UNICEF concert.  Frazen is planning to use the event as cover whilst he swipes the jewels, using a bunch of heavies disguised as glam rockers to do the dirty work.  Given that his hired goons think a shiny skintight outfits and a face plastered in stars makes someone "punk", I don't hold out much hope for the success of Frazen's caper, even before you factor in Dazzler and Doom (best... buddy cop show... ever!)  The first stage of the plan is to sneak backstage, but already things go south when Alison's new minder Lance catches them in the act.  Outnumbered, he calls for help (well, he screams like a girl, but the end result is the same) and Dazzler leaves her dressing room to investigate.  The hoodlums have just enough time to register her approach ("Holy sucking spit!") and then battle is joined.

It's a pretty postmodern fracas, as well.  "Why do all my singing engagements turn into free-for-alls?" "Today's woman demands total equality -- and that includes fight scenes!"  Hardly Deadpool level, admittedly, but not bad for 1981.  Whilst Dazzler cracks wise and bang heads, however, Frazen and his remaining lickspittles have broken through to the jewels, only to find Doom got there first, and is in no mood for sharing.  With the flunkies dispatched and the pretty boy saved, Alison heads for the exhibit herself, interrupting Doom's recovery operation.

"Do not fear!" the soulless former dictator assures her, "Doom does mot make war on helpless civilians!"  Unless they're his citizens, of course, particularly if they work for him directly.  Still, he admits the only thing that stopped him from killing her was the fact he recognised her as being on the concert bill.  Maybe Doom is secretly a fan?

Yikes.  But clearly he's taken with her "noble, courageous spirit", so much so that he fills her in on what's going on: the Merlin Stone is the first in a set that will make the owner invincible, and Doom's finally worked out how to use this one to get ahold of the rest. Credit where it's due, Alison does her best to stop him, despite knowing full well she's horrifically out of her league, but it's not long before she's unconscious at Doom's feet.  Rather than killing her, though, Doom kidnaps her.  The next Merlin stone is a little difficult to reach, after all, so it really makes more sense for him to send someone else into peril after it...

Clues

This story takes place over three weeks, and can once again be placed between UXM #142 and #143.

Date

Tuesday 9^th to Tuesday 30^th of November, 1982.

X-Date 

X+4Y+224 to X+4Y+245.

Contemporary Events

Yuri Andropov succeeds Leonid Breznhev as general secretary of the Soviet Union, following the latter's death

Thriller is released, becoming th best selling album of all time.

Anne Hathaway is born.

Standout Line

"In a building dedicated to international peace and cooperation -- yet more often used for inflammatory propaganda and calculated deceit..."  Tom DeFalco describes the UN.  Thank God inflammatory propaganda's been taken off the table, huh?

DAZ #2: "Where Demons Fear To Dwell!"

(The second most troll-filled disco I've ever seen.)

Comments

"Far out!" Dazzler tells us, this time talking to her dressing room mirror to "disguise" another round of exposition.  She's both excited and nervous to be the headline act at Numero Uno, having beaten the Enchantress - "one weird mama", or so it says here - at the audition last issue.  She's also worried that her ludicrous face-paint might be a mistake too (and yakking away about things she's already entirely aware of probably isn't helping her apply it), but I'm sure that's just stage-fright talking.  How could the liberal application of blue paint to the face possibly go wrong?

(In fairness, she does have much better hair. By which I mean - hair.)

Probably a fair amount of her panic is down to her audience - tonight will see appearances from the X-Men, most of the Avengers, and the two most pussy-centric members of the Fantastic Four. There's someone else watching, of course: the Enchantress, determined to gain her revenge and bend the upcoming dimensional rift to her own purposes. The sorceress must tread carefully, however, as unleashing too much magic will destablise the "cosmic matrix" holding open the rift.  Why, it's almost as though this is a really stupid time to mount an attack!  If only there'd been any other time to strike.

Still, better late than never, I suppose.  The Enchantress steps out on the stage and works some Asgardian mojo, causing Dazzler to begin to age at a terrifying rate.  Fortunately, Allison is able to stun her opponent by focussing her light-show through the dance hall's giant disco-ball - disco-balls being renowned for how they concentrate light, as we all learned in physics - reversing the spell and giving the dozen or so heroes in the club time to change into costume.

The Enchantress responds by summoning a horde of trolls and jotunn (wouldn't you start with that?) to murder everyone in spandex within a fifty-foot radius, and your typical Marvel throw-down kicks off.  In truth, as cynical as this gathering of Marvel heavy-hitters feels (especially two issues into the series), there's something undeniably exciting about seeing them work together as a team.  It beats the crap out of Secret Invasion, certainly.

Whilst our heroes fight against a seemingly endless mob of special guest stars from Midgard Crimestoppers ("Thou couldst receive a Community Action Trust Reward, indeed!"), Dazzler confronts the Enchantress.  "I want you, mama!".  It's too late, however; the rift is open, and something truly gargantuan is forcing its way through.  This results in what is easily the best moment in the comic (or the one before), as Dazzler sucks away every sound in the entire disco, and turns it into an unbearably bright and utterly silent explosion of light.  If this were film instead of strip, there'd be plenty of slow-motion and white-out going on, and the thought of acts of such power happening in total silence is a really cool one.

The Enchantress slinks off defeated, but Dazzler's victory seems pretty phyrric considering the state of the venue.  Fortunately, however, there was one talent scout who failed to escape before the battle heated up, and his first act following his ludicrously unlikely survival is to offer Dazzler a meeting with a potential agent, Harry Osgood.  Come Monday morning, her extensive fanbase of superheroes give her a lift to her appointment.  Not that she's made an appointment, obviously, because she's an idiot, but hanging out with the Avengers apparently works almost as well. Especially when they smash their way through Osgood's window and demand he listen to her sing (Iron Man even provides the music, which I suppose is an ability that can come in handy during strip-club power-cuts).

So it's a happy ending at last, as Osgood agrees to sign Allison up.  Given her last manager turned out to be a mobster, though, no-one should be breaking out the champagne just yet.

Clues

Much of story takes place on a Friday night, with a Monday morning coda. That places it between UXM #142 and #143.

Date

Friday 5^th to Monday 8^th of November, 1982.

X-Date 

X+4Y+220 to X+4Y+223.

Contemporary Events

Ahmadou Ahidjo resigns as President of Camerun, citing health reasons.

A group of bishops call for a freeze of nuclear armaments in Catholic Herald Magazine.

Standout Line

"Though I strain with Herculean effort... 'tis hopeless!"  - Enchantress.  I doubt DeFalco was thinking this at the time, but I love the idea that the Enchantress would make references to entirely different pantheons to the one she's a part of, presumably because she thinks their all dicks.

UXM #152: "The Hellfire Gambit!"

(I want my body back, body back, body back, body back...)

Comments

It's all gone a bit Face/Off this issue, as we open on Emmastorm flinging lightning bolts at the car Stormemma stole so as to make good on her escape. Stormemma has Kitty in the passenger seat, as well.  Turns out she wasn't dead at the end of last issue, merely knocked out, a revelation that wouldn't be remotely surprising even if Claremont didn't already have form in using the "They were only unconscious!" get-out clause even when the heroes themselves pronounce a character dead.  The conflagration outside the car wakes Kitty up, and she immediately panics upon seeing the White Queen driving the car.  She phases out before Stormemma can explain, and in the confusion the older woman loses control of the car, causing it to fly off the road and explode.  Emmastorm tries to summon the wind to extinguish the flames (and thus the threat to her previous body), but overcompensates and blows herself away.

Sprite recovers quickly enough to reach Stormemma's body before it burns up in the wreckage, but this leads to a quandary: should Kitty rescue the woman (she thinks) would happily mind-blast and kidnap her the instant she regains consciousness.

Emmastorm, by contrast, is still very much awake, and upon returning to the mansion proves it by starting to smash up Ororo's attic garden.  Nothing demonstrates true class like ruining your foes' chrysanthemums, I always say.  Shaw is on hand to talk her down (she's understandably pissed that her original body might now be somewhat less than usable), and explain what happened last issue.  Turns out it wasn't Frost's mental powers that allowed the exchange - it was a "persona exchange gun".  I cannot be alone in thinking my explanation is something like three hundred times less idiotic.

Out in the woods, Kitty has made her choice.  Her reward: having her blond enemy insist that she's actually Storm.  Sprite is unsurprisingly cynical about this claim, and impressively is smart enough to reject Stormemma's offer to tell her something no-one but them would know ("You read thoughts.  You could have learned the answers a year ago when Storm was held prisoner, or you could pull 'em from my head now!"), but a combination of the woman's speech patterns and proficiency at escapology give her pause.

Back at the mansion, the defeated and captured X-Men are still somewhat confused as to exactly what is going on, a condition which is hardly helped by Emmastorm walking in dressed as the White Queen. Wolverine is dragged away for some payback from the mercenaries he chopped up back in UXM #133, and it seems the only hope for our favourite mutants is that Kurt's foster sister takes out enough time from wanting to fuck him to use her magic powers to bust everyone loose.

Stormemma and Kitty are on their way to help too, having called Stevie Hunter and asked her to pick them up (which must have been a strange conversation even after Ms. Hunter discovered their true identities back in UXM #145).  There's only just enough time for Stormemma to change into a skin-tight leotard (it's a tribute to the White Queen's fashion sense that this qualifies as less revealing) and to give Kitty a stern talking-to (always helpful in establishing one's repressive bona fides) before the two super-heroines exit the car and head for home.  Approximately three seconds later, Shaw and Emmastorm jump Stevie, and demand to know just what's going down.

Whilst Sprite and Stormemma bypass the mansion's security, tragedy strikes the team when Leland McFattyfat uses his gravity warping powers to kill the uncontrollable Wolverine. Which, c'mon, Chris!  This is the second time in this story you've tried to convince us an X-Man is dead.  At a certain point it stops being chucklesomely inept and becomes a weird kind of facial tic somehow applied to a typewriter. At least this awesomely clever redirection (Amanda used her sorcery to fake his death) only last three pages, though.  If you can't be impressive, be quick, that's what my girlfriend tells me.

 Kitty and Logan spring the rest of the X-Men, who make short work of most of the Hellfire's forces.  Shaw and Emmastorm are left standing, though.  The first is dealt with by throwing him into the lake, which is a nice idea - rob him of some of the kinetic energy he'd absorb if he collided with a solid object, and force him to waste time and power swimming to shore.  Dealing with Emmastorm is a little tougher, since most of the team still don't know what's happened.  Which is entirely fair enough, I suppose, given they've already seen Storm go entirely insane with power (#UXM 147) and watched Jean Grey join the Inner Circle without warning.  Indeed, you could make the case that Nightcrawler and co. are so willing to believe Storm has gone rogue because that's what Claremont keeps writing.  Did he really write this title for seventeen years?  Or did he just slap together two years, and reshuffle them eight point five times in a row?

Shaw's violent return to the fray is interrupted by a lightning bolt to the cranium, confirming Stormemma's concerns that her opposite number has managed to let loose a squall she's too inexperienced to control.  Grabbing her white-haired enemy, Stormemma shoots her with the persona exchange gun (that she was somehow keeping hidden in a dress so tight it needs a pressurised contents warning label).  Storm then quiets both the weather (with her total control over her elemental powers) and Emma (with a bolt of lightning to the face).  Frost is so stunned by her defeat and Shaw's apparent coma that she concedes totally, and even allows Kitty to return to the X-Men, though presumably there's some paperwork involved there that we're not privy to.

Clues

This story begins during the night of the attack on the mansion, and continues until sometime either just before or just after dawn.

Kitty mentions that the team's first tangle with the Hellfire Club was one year earlier.  This is impossible, as Kitty has still yet to reach her fourteenth birthday, meaning this incident cannot have occurred more than six months before now.  Our timeline has it at five months, in fact.  We'll put this down to typical teenage exaggeration.

Date

Monday 22^nd to Tuesday 23^rd of March, 1983.

X-Date 

X+4Y+356 to X+4Y+357.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 3.67 standard years.

(Shadowcat is 22 years old).

Manages to get bored of a
talking fucking lion.

Contemporary Events

US President Ronald Reagan announces his intent to develop anti-ballistic missile technology, using a combination of ground- and space-based installations. This plan is dubbed "Star Wars" by the media, in part due to its total ludicrousness: the American Physical Society argued that it would require ten years of research just to determine whether Reagan's plan was even theoretically feasible.

Standout Line

"You can stay here and starve or get eaten by wolves, I don't care." - Kitty lays down the law.

UXM #151: "X-Men Minus One!"

(The transfer.)

Comments

Terrible news is relayed to all fans of Kitty Pryde (and I still don't understand how such creatures can exist): her parents are pulling her out of Xavier's school and sending her to Emma Frost's Massachusetts Academy instead.  Kitty's so depressed that she throws off her gown and starts running through the mansion in a bikini, which I think is a literary allusion for misery first employed by John Steinbeck.

A few hours later, Storm heads to Kitty's room to try and calm the girl down.  Clearly, she's still upset, as demonstrated by the fact that she still hasn't put any clothes on, but Ororo at least gets something of a conversation out of her.  Kitty's complaints range from the perceptive (her parents' sudden obsession with boarding schools is probably at least influenced by the desire to sort out their terms of separation without Kitty in the way) to the understandable from her point of view (why do her parent's believe they're better off judging the school Kitty should be in than she is herself) to the disgracefully solipsistic (why don't her parents just stay together so she can have a stable family unit). Storm does an impressive job of consoling Kitty over those issues that the teenager is facing, and sternly brushing aside those that she's simply made up.  It's a very nice scene, and whilst it doesn't do anything to change my mind on Kitty, it's always nice to see this side of Storm, nurturing without compromising or patronising.

After Xavier checks the Prydes aren't being mentally manipulated by the White Queen (who the X-Men believe is dead, but have learned through bitter experience what happens when you assume), and following Kitty is given a few days to pack and say her goodbyes (including what might well be her first kiss with Peter), the miserable teen is driven from the mansion by an equally upset (though rather more comported) Ororo.  Sprite pronounces herself disgusted with her new school pretty much on arrival, seething with dislike over how it all looks lovely and beautiful and calm.  You'd almost think she'd decided to hate the place ahead of time.

Turns out she was right about one thing, though - Emma Frost is back in charge, and that means trouble.  The White Queen ambushes Storm just after Kitty leaves for her tour, and uses her psionic talents to swap the two women's minds.  "Storm" fakes a touching farewell with Kitty before driving off to test her new powers, whilst "Emma" is locked inside a dark cell somewhere on the grounds.  Also: put into a slutty dress whilst unconscious.  That White Queen has more issues than Forbidden Planet International.

Let us move from such scenes of insanity and debauchery, and pause by a moonlit lake, where Nightcrawler is getting it on with his foster sister.  Their strokey-times are rudely interrupted by a phalanx of Sentinels (mutants might not be the only deviants they're programmed to exterminate, if you get what I'm saying), and the X-Men take to the field.

Something is amiss, though, as Cyclops points out.  There shouldn't be any Sentinels anymore, after our heroes dealt with Steven Lang aboard his space station. Fortunately, we don't have to wait long for the truth (i.e. the page before): it's Sebastian Shaw at the joystick! (Or a bevy of his flunkies, anyway).  Apparently, he's hoping to KO the team before Emmastorm has a chance to enact her own plan.  Unfortunately for him, the X-Men are too good, all but destroying the Sentinel force.  Emmastorm arrives just in time to zap the last remaining robot, and then chain lightnings her grateful "teammates" the instant they let down their guard.

Meanwhile, back in Emma Frost's body, Storm has managed to pick the lock on her cell door.  The instant she escapes, though, she's bombarded by the thoughts of everyone around her.  Being a filthy-rich telepathic beeyotch isn't as easy as it looks, apparently.  Stormemma gets herself under control for long enough to make a dash for Kitty's room, but the sudden appearance of what looks like the White Queen at her door spooks Sprite so much she tries to dive through the floor.  Instinctively Stormemma tries to stop her with a psychic bolt, and the force of the blow either knocks Kitty unconscious, or kills her outright.

Dun dun DUUUUUR!

Clues

This issue takes place within a week.  Since it concludes on the Monday on which Kitty arrives at the Massachusetts Academy, we'll assume that it begins on the previous Tuesday, though really it makes little difference for our purposes.

Kitty notes that during her time with the X-Men she has battled aliens on other planets, therefore placing this issue after UXM Annual #3.

Date

Tuesday 16^th to Monday 22^nd of March, 1983.

X-Date 

X+4Y+350 to X+4Y+356.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel year = 3.65 standard years.

(Shadowcat is 22 years old).

Alice in Alice in Wonderland

Contemporary Events

Umberto II, the "May king", passes away, aged 78.  Umberto II was the last king of Italy, and held the throne for just one month before stepping down following the referendum in which Italian citizens voted to become a Republic. Exiled from his native land, Umberto II spent most of his life in Portugal, and died without ever again setting foot upon Italian soil.

Standout Line

"Life is very lonely, Kitty." - Storm