X1F #4 "The Mind Of Jean Grey"

(A dream of Jeannie's.)

Comments

Let's take a break from Claremont's record-breaking UXM run, and finish off X-Men: First Class Finals.  When last we checked in, those team members furnished with Y chromosomes were headed into Marvel Girl's subconscious, in an effort to ascertain why she was manifesting previous foes all over the place.

Most of this issue, then, takes place within the mind of Jean Grey (as indeed the title helpfully reminds us).  Xavier's rather worried by Jean's recent habit of pulling people into her dreamscape, and given the books we've been looking at this month, he clearly has a point. 

Their first stop is to review their last conversation with Jean before she passed out (explaining the strange blue-dialogue X-Men shades we saw last issue).  The team try to piece together the puzzle - creating Juggernaut to floor Frederick makes some sense, but what about the Magneto junkpile, and why is she letting herself get punched around by her own illusions - but their brainstorming is interrupted by the Hulk.

Fortunately, Jean is there to step up to the plate, single-handedly juggling the Hulk ("HULK NOT LIKE!") until she gets bored and tosses him away.  It's clear at this point that Jean is somewhat selectively editing her memories (how like a woman, amirite?), casting herself as the team's biggest gun and last line of defence. One moment Cyttorak turns up from nowhere and gets clobbered by our redhead, the next the team are back on Monster Island whilst Jean defeats Mastermind in a psychic duel.  The team fly after her (being inside a dream is not devoid of advantages) and finds her defeating angry hippos in the middle of the Florida everglades, something you'd ironically have to be from Florida to not realise is ridiculous.

Xavier tries to lecture Jean into snapping out of her revenge-a-thon, but doesn't get very far.  Scott manages where his teacher failed, though, by just stepping forward and engaging smooching.  "The power of luvvv", as Warren notes.  Usually that kind of stuff irritates me, but I can see how kissy-time would have more of an effect than the Professor's droning.

The only problem is that Jean's subconscious ain't exactly playing ball right now.  It responds to Jean starting to recover her wits by pitting the team against every foe they've faced throughout the X1C run, with Magneto and Toad thrown in for good measure.  Jean manages to dispel the slavering hordes, but her hind-brain has one more punch left to throw: the car that killed Jean's friend when they were ten years old.

Jean concludes that this incident, which caused a flare in Jean's nascent powers that revealed her to the Professor, has been simmering in her subconscious ever since, creating a feedback loop somewhere in her synapses that she won't be able to save her friends when they're in danger.  It's a nice idea, and ties up the miniseries, but I can't help wondering why this has happened now, after 66 issues of UXM and 24 of X1C.  Obviously, the reason why it couldn't happen sooner is clear enough, but I'm not sure stories get a pass for happening too late merely because no-one thought of it when it would have made sense. 

Of course, X1C was never going to be an easy title to wrap up, by it's very nature - not just the "untold tales" format, but the book's unwillingness to introduce it's own rogue's gallery.  Again, though, I'd say that would more suggest that First Class Finals wasn't a great idea from the outset.  Still, whilst the lightweight nature of Parker's approach to the series might stretch a little thin over a four part story, it's still nice and breezy, and with Parker's trademark charmingly irreverent dialogue.  Indeed, though this seres as a whole has been slightly sub-par, it's really only the final page that causes any real problems; a dashed set-up for  Giant Size X-Men that makes no sense in context and tarnishes the book's previously excellent record in avoiding contradicting the events of its parent title.

Clues

Judging by the colour of the sky at various points in this issue, this story begins immediately after X1F #3, and concludes on the following day.

The issue ends with the team heading to Krakoa, an hour after they graduate.  Obviously, this is impossible, both because there's no sign of Havok and Polaris being with them, and, more importantly, Hank was still pink and comparatively hairless earlier in the day.

Date

Friday 4^th to Saturday 5^th of September, 1980.

X-Date

X+2Y+157 to X+2Y+158.

Contemporary Events

The world's longest highway tunnel is opened in Switzerland.

Standout Line

"I have a feeling my mind isn't this big." - Bobby.

U1C #6: "The Sky Is Falling"

(The trophies of youth.)

Comments

It has been noted more than once that for a man so clearly devoted to (some might say obsessed with) comic books, I seem surprisingly disinterested in anything so tawdry as "artwork".  I can see the argument, actually, especially since the Panel Talk podcasts I've done with Chris Brosnahan almost invariably involve him trying to drag me into conversations about pencilling (all I want to do is talk about whether I think a comic is racist or not). 

In any event, it's not invariably true, and as proof I'd like to point out that I absolutely adore pages 6 and 7 of this issue, in which Phoenix creates a telekinetic slide in order to save the S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier.  What's already a fairly impressive image is made genuinely special by including a strip filled with terrified S.H.I.E.L.D. agents within the canted frame, which grows in size as the helicarrier hurtles towards us.   It's indicative of the small yet wonderful touches that made first X1C and now this title so much fun to read.

This issue confirms what had already been made fairly clear last time around: there are two groups of Hykon Knights, and they've arrived on Earth purely so that they can have ground beneath their feet whilst they beat seven shades of shit out of each other.  And if humanity is very lucky, they'll actually notice us whilst they tear the planet apart during their jousting.  There's another lovely panel in which Nightcrawler surveys the Knight's trophy room, which is stacked floor-to-ceiling with bodies of races already defeated.  Hell, not even defeated, just in the way.  Shi'ar and Kree, Brood and... whatever Ch'od is, it's a roll-call of Marvel aliens that brings to mind the famous scene at the end of Predator 2, when Danny Glover (who at this point is not too old for this shit, despite the film being set in the future) stumbles across an array of skulls, including one which is distinctly familiar.

(Nightcrawler also stumbles across head of Charles Xavier, who was decapitated in psionic form and thus remains alive.  Apparently, Charles has worked out what's going on, which is pretty impressive since all he's got is a bunch of aliens trying to chop each other up whilst some freaky prepubescent girl looks on.)

Lilandra is kind enough to grace us with some of her alien exposition: these two martial trios have destroyed thousands of worlds over the last twelve millennia, simply by using them as battlegrounds and them exploding them with their extra-dimensional freakiness.  Even this dire proclamation is overhsadowed, however, when we learn from Peter Corbeau (aboard what the Knights have left of his precious Starcore Station) that the aliens' battle on the surface of the Sun was responsible for Jean's transformation into Phoenix.

That seems like a fairly major retcon, actually, especially since as far as I know nothing's been done with it at all in the two years since this issue came out.  Playing around with X-Men history is one thing, but I would have thought such major changes would be something Gray (like Parker before him) would have been keen to avoid.

Still, it's not like Jean's story ever made all that much sense to begin with (which might be why Gray is so comfortable changing it), and the Knights of Hykon continue to be good fun.  And, given that eighty-three point three recurring percent of them seem entirely capable of blasting Phoenix from the sky, I'm certainly interested in seeing where Gray is going with this.

Clues

This issue takes place over the course of less than an hour.

Corbeau lets us know that the "Sentinel crisis", which cumulated in Jean's transformation into Phoenix, took place a few weeks earlier.  In our current time-line, it's been about six and a half weeks, which seems broadly consistent.

Date

Saturday 20^th of February, 1982.

X-Date

X+3Y+292.

Contemporary Events

The New York Islanders win a record 15th straight game in the NHL.  Presumably this is mainly noteworthy for a hockey team going for fifteen games without being entirely reduced to crippled wrecks feedable only through nil-by-mouth.

Standout Line

"Throwing a metal box stuffed with screaming animals at me?  You disappoint me, Cloud Runner.  I remember when you had style..."

U1C #5: "The Knights Of Hykon"

(Childish things.)

Comments

What is it about a child-like attitude and phenomenal cosmic power that's just so much fun?  I could watch Sky Song beating up the X-Men all day.   "Blue-tail is funny and fast and clever... but also a little rude." SHWAK!  "Now one of them's gotten all shiny!  It looks much prettier now!" SSKRASH!  And when she isn't providing her own naive-yet-bloodthirsty running commentary, she's generating ever larger energy weapons with which to pulp people, as if this were a stage from Super Smash Bros, and not a life-or-death struggle.  She's great.  She's my new favourite.  I wanna be just like her when I become infinitely powerful and completely invulnerable.

As you'd expect from a trio of creatures we first saw partying on the surface of the Sun (initially I thought they might be Sentinels left over from UXM #59, having finally worked out the futility of trying to punch a star into submission, but this is much more fun), there doesn't seem to be anything the X-Men can do to so much as faze them (Nightcrawler manages to swipe Sky Song's sword - getting dragged into a new dimension whilst howling in agony for his troubles, but that's about all).  You get the distinct impression that Sky Song is so immature simply because she can afford to be.  When nothing can hurt you, you have no reason to pay attention to anything unless you want to.  Which, of course, makes her seem all the creepier even before the sky starts weeping boiling rain.

Cloud Runner isn't quite as much fun as Sky Song, but he certainly has his moments.  His analysis of the S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier is typically otherwordly and condescending ("A metal airship, filled with light and smoke and frightened animals... what will they think of next?"), he has my favourite design of the three Knights, and he ends up throwing Fury's ride into Central Park simply to make a point: shit is going down.  Watch this space...

Clues

This story continues directly on from the previous issue, and takes place over the course of a few hours, which makes it likely we've crossed over into early morning on the following day.

Date

Friday 19^th to Saturday 20^th of February, 1982.

X-Date

X+3Y+291 to X+3Y+292.

Contemporary Events

A new class of life, the prion, is discovered.

Standout Line

"It has pointy bits, too! They would hurt little animals, I think...  It needs to calm down."  Sky Song meets Wolverine, disapproves.

U1C #4: "Sisters Of The Dragon"

(Chick flak.)

Comments

What is it about S.H.I.E.L.D. showing up that inspires all-girl superhero team to kick themselves some ass?

OK, so things are a little different this time around.  When last Fury's posse showed up, it was in order to recruit the Scarlet Witch (and ultimately Marvel Girl) into the top-secret villain-punching game.  Now, though, the Helicarrier is almost incidental; a hiding place for Storm's objective and nothing more.

Of course, you can make a strong case that the Helicarrier was incidental back in X1C (v2) # 9 as well.  Either way, it's clear that in this issue the focus is upon the outcasts and street-level heroines (and villainesses) of the Marvel Universe, especially those who can claim no small abundance of melanin.

I'm not sure if that's very impressive, or simply very unadvised.   There's something fundamentally worthless in any attempt by me, a white male Brit, in trying to discuss whether Scott Gray, a white male Kiwi, has managed to adequately capture the interaction between two black, NYC-born women (Storm and Nightshade, the latter of whom I've somehow never actually come across until now).  It's like asking a cat what he thinks of a parrot's attempt to recreate Ave Maria. [1]

I mean, it's one thing to give the nod to the "girls' night out" scenes - they ring true to me, and not just because I've been known to briefly experience such things myself (you'd be surprised how many women just assume I'm gay - unless you've met me, in which case you won't be surprised at all).  But how can I possibly offer an informed opinion on Storm and Nightshade clashing over what it means to be born in the Bronx?

As a complete outsider: a man with a Y chromosome and - to the best of my knowledge - no blood in his veins that has come from anywhere outside the North East of England (Teesside 'til I die!) - I think both sides have valid points.  Nightshade's argument that anyone who through a simple quirk of fate ends up being worshipped as a goddess by various Kenyan villagers can fuck off when it comes to deciding how a Bronx-born sister should live her life seems to me fairly persuasive.  On the other hand, Storm's point that Nightshade also had the tools to move on if she so chose, and instead decided to just keep stealing shit from people, is also a reasonable one.  In this humble Whitey's opinion (though to quote Studio 60 "I'm not white, I'm English"), what's missing is the voice of someone who stayed, either through lack of options or because that was exactly what they chose to do.

Indeed, you could make a case for that role being a perfect one for Misty Knight, which makes it a shame that she spends the final third of this issue kung-fu kicking an army of ninja robots.

And when you make a reader regret that a hot woman is unleashing her skills on a squad of mechanical martial art masters, you know you've gone wrong somewhere.  True that.

Clues

Jean apparently hasn't spoken to Scott since their argument in the Blackbird whilst returning from Atillan.  The implication is that this is noteworthy, so presumably at least some time must have passed.

Let's assume then that this "ladies' night" takes place on the Friday following Banshee's escapades in Belfast.  That means there's been about a week and a half of radio silence between Scott and Jean.

Date

Friday 19^th of February, 1982.

X-Date

X+3Y+291.

Contemporary Events

Pope Jean Paul II returns to the Vatican after a trip to Africa.

The US Supreme Court blocks the Reagan Administration's attempts to offer tax breaks to schools practicing racial discrimination.

Standout Line

"I like them.  It's a shame they break so easily."  The Knights of Hykon are on their way, True Believers, and that's what they think of you...

[1] Actually, that might be a bad metaphor, since the cat might want to eat the parrot.  So let's pretend that the cat is well-fed on a diet of tuna and chicken, and also that this aside hasn't gotten in the way at all.

U1C #3: "The Next Life"

(After the howl fades.)

Comments

Types.  We all have 'em, ay lads?  Some men like blondes, some men like brunettes.  The more discerning amongst us, such as myself, have a thing for redheads (also: string players).  Presumably there are men who make their choice based on a mellifluous voice, or, I don't know, grace, or something.  Takes all sorts, I suppose, though I've yet to find any major flaw in the three stage assessment process of hair, then tits, then competence with the cello.

Of course, what we've got down on paper isn't always what we head for in real life.  I've dated a guitar player, a saxophonist, and a horn player, and my current girlfriend won't even sing in front of me in case I dump her out of sheer disgust.  We all make compromises.

Still, spare a thought for poor old Sean Cassidy.  So far as I can tell, his only criteria in a woman is that she not be murdered by terrorists, and he can't even manage that.

Reading through the original issues of UXM after Second Genesis, I'd always thought Banshee got relatively short shrift.  Beyond his obvious love of Moira, and occasional references to his comparatively advanced age, he always seemed more like a character for others to react to than a personality in his own right.  Things eventually picked up with Generation X, but once Moira died, it seemed like every writer who got their hands on him was determined to make him fuck up in as many different ways as possible.

All of which means it's really pleasant to get a closer look at the man now, whilst he still has the speed and savvy to beat the whole team in a game of capture the flag, and whilst he's caught in that first blush of love, perhaps the happiest he's ever been since his first wife died.

So guess who comes a-calling?

Well, first of all it's just Sean's father-in-law, practically catatonic and mumbling about his daughter. Soon enough, though, courtesy of Mr The Grave Robber's Unquiet Spirit and Hideous Stereotype Hire Company, Maeve herself puts in an appearance.

This strikes me as one of those pointlessly over-complicated plans.  Why go to all that effort hiring a voodoo priest to raise your dead daughter from the grave to tempt Banshee out to Maine?  Couldn't Rourke just have asked to see Banshee regarding some legacy of Maeve, or something, and then just shot him?  I know Rourke was enjoying having his "daughter" finally obey his commands, but even so, wouldn't you err on the side of caution when trying to finish off an X-Man?  And what would he have done if Sean hadn't decided to travel to Belfast or (more likely) Moira didn't think much of the idea of joining her boyfriend for a road trip in search of his dead wife?

Still, as slightly silly as it is in places, it's a nicely put-together story, and there's an undeniable melancholy in seeing Banshees struggling to overcome a trauma we all know he is destined to suffer through again.

Meanwhile, Peter Corbeau is back on Project Starcore's space station with its international crew (you can tell its international, because some of them wear US flags, whereas others wear US flags but say "Bohze moi!" as well), and it appears that the Sun is being used as a disco by a trio of medieval knights.  Ooooooooh!

Clues

This story takes place over two days.

I'm not sure exactly which IRA bombing is supposed to have taken the life of Maeve Cassidy nee Rourke. From the exhaustive Wikipedia list of IRA operations, I can only find three civilians in Armagh who were killed by IRA bombs during the troubles.  Of course, it's more than likely that there's no exact real-life incident that the story is referencing - I can certainly see that leading to trouble.

Let's assume that this was an entirely fictitious bomb, then, which means we can learn nothing from the fact that the anniversary of Maeve's death has only just taken place.

We do however have to consider the amount of time it would take Wolverine to get back to New York from Georgia.  Given the speed of the X-Men's jet, and assuming Cyclops was feeling generous enough to go and pick Logan up, we can assume Wolverine was back at the mansion sometime on the day after he landed, and so this issue can be placed as starting the day after at.

Date

Friday 12^th to Saturday 13^th of February, 1982.

X-Date

X+3Y+284 to X+3Y+285.

Contemporary Events

74 people are murdered in Xococ, as part of the Rio Negro Massacres which took place in Guatemala between 1980 and 1982. As many as 5000 died overall at the hands of military personnel paramilitary organisations, who were enforcing the forced relocation of citizens from the fertile agricultural valleys to the comparatively barren highlands.

Standout Line

"I won't live in the past -- that's what finished Rourke."  Poor Sean.  I actually think he spent the rest of his life believing that line, actually.  There's nothing as likely as to make us repeat the mistakes of the past than endlessly telling ourselves we've left them behind us.

U1C #2: "To Err Is Inhuman..."

(Mutual defence treaties.)

Comments

When last we joined the X-Men, Nightcrawler caused a diplomatic incident by basically trying to punch the Inhuman's equivalent of the Pope right in his Terrigan Mist-altered pope-junk, and in the process wrecked their precious child-mutating machine that they were all so fond of.

As I mentioned yesterday, I was pretty much entirely on the side of InhumaniPope; when you're dealing with an (essentially) alien culture and you see their most sacred ceremony being carried out by willing participants, I'd have thought it prudent to at a bare minimum ask a few follow-up questions before you start "teleporting for tolerance" (ebamfipation? No?), so I was kind of hoping Nightcrawler would get slapped around for this one (beyond the zapping he got from the business end of his Inhuman Eminence's pathetically non-lethal energy staff).  Failing that, it would be nice to get a better explanation of out him, at least, something that touched on his personal beliefs (in the majesty of a Pope that at least has the decency to cover up fucking around with children, for instance).

We do at least get the latter, as Nightcrawler tells those arrayed to try him that all life is perfect from birth, and thus cannot be deliberately altered.  That, at least, sounds entirely plausible coming from a Catholic, and from a mutant besides (I can't imagine Kurt wanting anything to do with, say, Kavita Rao's mutant "cure").  He also argues that the children cannot be expected to offer informed consent, which, I dunno.  It depends on how Inhuman physiognomy works, a topic Kurt's already admitted to knowing absolutely nothing about.

But whilst his attack still seems ludicrously ill-considered, and one wishes he'd given this speech before ending up on trial for his life, he's at least making sense from the perspective of a human mutant and a man of faith.  He also gets the chance to apologise to Colossus, which is nice.

Having Nightcrawler able to plausibly defend his corner is important here, becaus it enables the issue to go down a route which was more or less untouched at the time this team was originally in residence, and give us a story in which everyone is in the right from their own point of view, and neither side has been brainwashed, hoodwinked, or gotten the wrong end of the stick.  This is about two groups of super-powered people beating the ever-loving shit out of each other because that's what the situation requires of them.  If Kurt gets off a little easily in this story (and I think he does), that's because Scott's anger is directed at Jean, who attacks the Inhumans as soon as the team arrives in response to their unwilling hosts murderous hatred of Kurt.

With Colossus determined to save Kurt, Cyclops desperate to prevent Jean from getting herself killed, Quicksilver, Crystal and Medusa all wading in to help out loved ones and family members, and Karnak and Gorgon basically just wanting to hand out some mob justice, the whole scene descends into chaos almost instantly.  While, as is so often the case, the fight itself isn't really particularly interesting to talk about, watching it escalate as each character finds themselves unwilling to risk the health of those they care about has a nicely snowballing feel to it.

Indeed, in case that wasn't already obvious, Gray un-subs the subtext by having Gorgon accidentally set off an avalanche, which only Phoenix' and Black Bolt's quick actions stops from destroying the city.  Nightcrawler is then forgiven out of "mercy" (I think it rather more likely that Black Bolt had no interest in explaining why Kurt would be tried for sacrilige whilst Gorgon is let off for almost killing everyone in Atillan), and the X-Men return home.

Taking both parts together, this is definitely an impressive opener for the series.  There was plenty of brawling (not fun to write about doesn't mean not fun to read), some lovely character moments for Nightcrawler, and a reminder that mutants don't have the last word on what consitutes "normal" any more than we do.

There's also one last interesting scene as the team fly westward, in which it's made plain just how much strain the Phoenix issue has put on Jean and Scott's relationship.  This was alluded to back when it first happened in the late '70s, of course, but mainly via Scott being constantly surly and uncommunicative.  Seeing them snipe at each other (Scott's being too controlling and aggressive, Jean is clearly way out of control and refuses to admit it) makes the problem seem far more real.  I was a little disappointed to learn Scott Gray was writing this book, given how much fun Jeff Parker's X-Men: First Class was, but this far at least, Gray is definitely holding up his end.

Plus, if nothing else, you have to give credit to a writer who's willing to put together a story from this era without a single appearance by Wolverine at all.  At least until the final page, that is, when gravity finally starts doing its job and brings the Canucklehead back to Earth.

Clues

This story takes place over the course of a few hours.

Date

Wednesday 10^th February, 1982.

X-Date

X+3Y+282.

Contemporary Events

Six Soviet sailors claim to have discovered a derelict vessel in the fog-bound Black Sea.  They go missing for five days, only to reappear claiming they were drawn into a cigar-shaped UFO.

Standout Line

"Hey... Farmer Joe... Where am I?"
"Y-You are in Georgia, sir..."
"You're kiddin'... That big ape... knocked me clean across five states...?"
"No, sir... You do not understand... You are in the other Georgia... The one next to Russia."

U1C #1: "Refuge"

(The kids are alright (after being genetically manipulated))

Comments

We've a new title, a new cast, and new writer for this eight-issue run, but on the strength of this issue, that certainly isn't going to mean we stray too far from X1C's formula: light-weight, gently funny stories crammed to bursting with as many Marvel Universe cameos as is possible.

Today it's the turn of the Inhumans.  Medusa has already met the X-Men of course, back when she was suffering from amnesia and thought she might be a mutant, but this time the whole royal family seems to have beamed down for a visit.  This rather odd pairing of teams is an obvious opportunity for culture clash comedy, and Gray certainly makes the most of it, whether by having Banshee stroke Lockjaw as it wolfs down what looks like a dinosaur bone ("D'you like that?  Good doggie!"), or having Gorgon and Wolverine face off in the Danger Room.  "It's OK, Medusa," Cyclops tells their guest after the inevitable has happened, and Logan disappears into the clouds at high speed, "He survived being punched into orbit once--  He'll be fine."  He then adds under his breath "Wow.  Look at that. Still going...", and we don't actually see Wolverine again this issue, but I'm sure he'll be fine.

This brief meeting of cultures also gives Kurt the opportunity to see Atillan.  It's Nightcrawler's turn to be all doom and gloom about the prospects of mutant-human relations, and he's clearly champing at the bit for a chance to leave all that petty homo sapiens crap behind him.  In truth, this clashes somewhat with the lecture Kurt gave Scott the day they returned from Shi'ar space, but I suppose if anything's going to make you reconsider your belief that one shouldn't be ruled by one's problems, then a psychotic mob trying to kill you for the crime of saving two children whilst looking freaky is liable to do it.

So Kurt heads to Atillan, with Peter in tow, the latter presumably tagging along because he can sense exactly what Nightcrawler has in mind.  Everything's going swimmingly, if you don't include Quicksilver popping by for a little while to make sure the X-Men know he's an insufferable bell-end, until Peter finally lets Kurt have it: staying here is running away from everything else ("You must see [the chance to visit Atillan] as a sign.  But I think it is a test.")

This, to put it mildly, is not well-received.  It's a lovely scene, actually, because Peter doesn't get nearly enough chances to demonstrate that his ability to read and understand people is much more impressive than his general demeanour and frankly mediocre intelligence would suggest, and because Kurt's usual range of reactions starts at "ecstatically happy" and only goes so far down as "politely dismissive".  Seeing him lay into Peter ("Shut up! Stupid Russian farmboy... What do you know of the world?") is a too-rare reminder of what's going on beneath the surface.  Much like his Catholicism, Kurt's dedication to civility runs deep through his nature, but he can't suppress his id indefinitely.

Of course, it's not Kurt failing to stick to his principles that you necessarily have to watch out for.  When he attends the ceremony in the Temple of Randac, and sees the children of Atillan exposed to and mutated by the Terrigan mists, he attacks the participants, presumably - and it's a shame the comic doesn't actually come out and say this - because something in it's message of fundamental genetic alteration jibes with his belief in our creation at the hands of God.

That's my take on it, in any case.  It would at least make Nightcrawler look a bit more like a man led to extreme actions by his conception of the universe, and a bit less like a man who comes to your house and sets fire to your kitchen because you were frying bacon and he's a vegetarian.

Are we supposed to have any sympathy for Kurt, here?  Smashing up a sacred temple - and in the process obliterating one of the Inhumans most precious relics - because he doesn't believe the children happily submitting to their culture's practices could possibly really mean it?  Next issue had better involve someone pointing out that Kurt was just responsible for the worst example of Catholic moral pushiness since de Genouilly kicked off the formation of French Indochina, because right now this all reads far too much like a story about how the X-Men stopped all those savages from being all barbaric and non-Western.
 
Clues

This issue takes place over the course of a single day.

I realised after writing yesterday's installment that I'd made a mistake in getting to the end of Moira's time with the X-Men without checking whether or not she makes an appearance in Uncanny X-Men: First Class.

It turns out she does, alongside Lilandra (awkward!), which means this isse at least must take place sometime between UXM #109 and #110.  We'll therefore place this issue where we put UXM #110 last time, and for the next week we'll focus on the eight-issue U1C run.

Date

Wednesday 10^th February, 1982.

X-Date

X+3Y+282.

Contemporary Events

The Royal Mail release four stamps to celebrate the "death centenary" of Charles Darwin.

Is it me, or would Death Centenary be an absolutely awesome title for a horror movie?

Standout Line

"Yeah, I tangled with the Hulk, too.  I let him live..." Wolverine gives us his own take on his first ever appearance.

("Let him live" actually means "Got my ribs broke", in point of fact, but that's another story.)

Giant-Size Uncanny X-Men First Class #1 (No titles)

(Why can't I have a sling made from a demon cow?)

Comments

This is one of those rare things from Marvel - a comic that's legitimately hilarious.  I haven't laughed this hard at one of books since Nextwave, and that isn't technically in the main continuity anyway.

This issue gets round the problem by having the new X-Men describe their pasts to Moira.  Storm, Colossus and Nightcrawler go for important stories that help explain their personalities - Storm learning she couldn't escape her problems with a carefree attitude, Colossus saving his friends and learning that they would happily accept him for what he is, and Nightcrawler's realisation that he could be the star of the "Winding Roads Circus", but only at the price of no-one ever knowing who he truly is. They're all nice tales, and work as brief illustrations, but it's Banshee and (especially Wolverine) who hog the limelight.

Banshee's tale takes the form of a comic poem (allegedly a song written by a friend) in which he saves a woman from being abducted by apparently half the Irish underworld (the supernatural one, not those guys from In Bruges), only to fall in love with her.  There can't be a traditionally happy ending here, of course (indeed, Banshee was presumably telling this tale to Moira whilst surreptitiously checking out her legs), and Sean learns that the lady he's saved is actually a banshee.  She can't stay with him, she tells him, but on the day he finally dies, she will return to sing him into the next life, so he won't be alone.

Maybe I'm an old softy, but I had a tear in my throat reading that, knowing (as did the writers) how Banshee met his end, surrounded by strangers and killed by a madman.  It's a wonderful bittersweet ending to a funny but otherwise inconsequential bit of fluff.

Wolverine's story is so brilliant I almost snorted my liver out of my nostrils. None of it is true, of course, but that's what makes it so funny. In Wolvie's tale to Moira, he gains superpowers by being bitten by a radioactive Wolverine, and then tries to make ends meet with various odd-jobs until he finally gives into his calling and becomes an agent of S.N.I.K.T., travelling the world fighting evil -including the zombie-clowns of Budapest ("Don't make me laugh!) and the vicious agents of B.I.M.B.O. ("Break one nail and two false ones will take its place!"). 

Eventually, he saves a bald man from B.I.M.B.O.s clutches and agrees to join his X-Men, purely so he can bone the hot red-head he'd noticed at a party.

It is, quite simply, the best four pages of anything I've read this year, even before you get to the final spread, which contains some of the mutants that didn't make the grade (the Australian "Didgery Dude" is a particular highlight), which reminds me of an irregular strip that used to show up in the UK issues of Transformers from time to time (I wanted to find one to put on the blog, but these days you won't get anything back from a Google search of "rubbish Transformers" that isn't about Michael Bay).

Clues

The framing story in this issue can be assumed to play out over three days.  The timings of the other stories - each one a tale from the past of one of the new X-Men - doesn't really concern us. 

The fact that Moira is at the mansion (though Cyclops shouldn't know she's a scientist at thus point) places the framing story after UXM #96, hence why I'm considering it now.

Date

Wednesday 2^nd to Friday 4^th September, 1981.

X-Date

X+3Y+120 to X+3Y+122.

Contemporary Events

The Iranian government announce a provisional Prime Minister and leader of the Islamic Republic Party to replace officials assassinated three days earlier.

The USSR perform their first underground nuclear test.

Dame Enid Lyons, the first woman to be elected to the Australian House of Representatives, passes away, aged 84.

Standout Line

I can't choose between Wolverine's various jobs: children's author ("Bouncy Bear went to visit his friend, Walter Weasel.  "Where's the money you owe me, Walter?" Bouncy asked as he pulled out his favourite mallet."); actor ("This is one salesman that ain't dyin, bub!"), or folk-singer ("How many roads must a man walk down... before he gives up and steals a car?").

X1F #3: "Higher Learning"

(Graduation blues.)

Comments

This is definitely getting interesting.  The initial fight with the "ghost of Magneto" is entertaining enough (especially Beast's increasingly ludicrous attempts to hypothesise on what might be going on), but when the X-Men start watching their own conversations whilst they're having them, I can safely be considered intrigued (it's a nice way to distract from a fairly long talky scene, as well).

Presumably the "post-game analysis" (as Cyclops would say) has something to do with Scott's conclusion that Jean is to blame for the current influx of the X-Men's greatest hits (she's certainly conspicuous by her absence).   That in turn would suggest her subconscious is acting up over the chance the X-Men will split up.  But then why does "Juggernaut" show up just after the gang decide they're going to stick together?

Then again, maybe she's just experience the same overwhelming sense of futility that so many of were hit by upon becoming graduands.  I certainly remember being distinctly disconsolate at the realisation that four of the most busy, exciting, confusion, heart-breaking and important years of my life had boiled down to a single number.  God only knows what I'd have smashed to bits had I access to telekinetic powers.  Or what would have crawled out of my subconscious.  I can think of at least one member of the maths department whose lectures could be unfavourably compared to having Juggernaut punch you in the gonads, and I'm sure there are readers of this blog who can back me up on that. 

Who are the real heroes, is what I'm saying.

Clues

This issue takes place over a single day, if we ignore the narration from the blue-bubbled future X-Men.  Also, Bobby mentions that it is not yet winter.

Date

Friday 4^th September, 1980.

X-Date

X+2Y+157.

Contemporary Events

Tropical storm Danielle forms in the Gulf of Mexico. 

Standout Line

"Perhaps his essence has become spread throughout space and he's attempting to... rebuild himself... now a purely electromagnetic being?"
"That explanation takes too long to say.  Don't like it." - Beast and Angel.

X1F #2: "Beginning Of The End"

(Ghosts of X-Men's past.)

Comments

Yay! It's Froderick! (Sorry, force of habit).  It's good to have him back, for two reasons. First, because one of the definite weaknesses of the previous First Class volumes was a lack of original characters - Frederick is pretty much the only one I can remember, really - and second, because it removes the idea that Cyclops killed someone as a teenager and never mentioned it again.

Speaking of Frederick, and his eighteen months spent tunnelling out of the collapsed mine-shaft, Jean is charmingly concerned with the fate of all the Moloids Frederick chowed down on, given that in the two times they've met, the Moloids tried to either a) steal their food, or b) kill them all.  I guess that's what makes her a superhero.  I say fuck 'em.

But Frederick turns out to be just a bit part in this particular scenario, as he finds himself on the crappy end of a patented Juggernaut knuckle sandwich.  Which is pleasingly baffling, especially since he seems to have faded out of Warren's memory almost instantly.

Indeed, there are several strange factors at work here.  How likely is it that they'd find a new mutant in exactly the same quarry as the one where Jean and the Invisible Woman fought the Mad Thinker's rock creatures ("Going into caves almost never works out well for us")?  And how does the giant junk Magneto fit in to all of this?

Clearly we're focusing on the threats of the past. Last issue we had that rundown of a whole bunch of previous villains, and now we've got Frederick, Juggernaut and (kind of) Magneto.  But what's the connection?  I have to say, I'm enjoying this immensely - it's got the same level of fun lines and general tomfoolery of the previous two First Class volumes, but now they're tied in to a much more cohesive and weighty storyline.  Shame there's only two issues left, really.

Just as a continuity note: there's a nice nod here to Hank signing on to work for the Brand Corporation, which is of course where he manages to turn himself into the bouncin' blue Beast in Amazing Tales #11.  I'll probably take a look at that sequence of issues (there are seven or so, as I recall), once we've gotten through First Class Finals and maybe a few more Hidden Years.

Clues

Frederick claims he was trapped underground for a year and a half, and then spent some time studying the X-Men upon his return to the surface.  Since our current time line puts the time gap as actually being fourteen months, we might need to do a little re-jigging.  "A year and a half!" isn't the most accurate of descriptors, and one can certainly see why the time spent being trapped underground is something you'd be willing to exaggerate, but we should probably move this issue (and the one before it) a little further into the future, especially since it will give us more time to play with for the (currently serialised) XHY.

We'll therefore add on a further two months to the timeline.

Date

Friday 4^th September, 1980.

X-Date

X+2Y+157.

Contemporary Events

Shooting begins on The Great Muppet Caper.

Standout Line

"See, most people think super heroes live exciting lives every minute.  They never see those times when we just walk into an empty cave."

X1F #1: "Senioritis"

(Cramming sessions.)

Comments

We've clearly leaped through time by some considerable amount for this miniseries - this issue deals with the X-Men following Xavier's return from the dead.  It's hard to know exactly what to make of this issue, since it's split fairly evenly between set-up and nostalgia.

As far as the former is concerned, it's clear Xavier is training them up for something big, and that Jean's already expanding psychic powers are now increasing still faster in response.  Presumably, this is all leading up to the X-Men's "graduation" (hence the title of the series, and the issue).  Of course, as I've mentioned, the X-Men graduated in UXM #7, but that never made a lick of sense (Bobby was at most seventeen at the time, and almost certainly sixteen).  This is a far more sensible time for their graduation, but anyone particularly dedicated to canon like me, for instance) can easily just assume the X-Men are about to finish the "postgraduate work" the original series mentioned from time to time.

The nostalgia quotient is filled by an impressively/unbearably long (depending on your perspective) parade of the villains of yesteryear.  Grotesk and Diamond Jack make appearances as danger room droids, along with the more commonly seen Sentinels ("Now why don't you go off and attack the Sun, because that's what causes mutations sometimes"), and a whole host of misanthropes show up in Jean's dreamscape.  Even Kukulcan and the Locust aren't left out, despite being two of Roy Thomas' very worst ideas, which in condemnation terms is not dissimilar to listing Chernobyl and Fukushima Daiichi as two of the very worst nuclear disasters. 

Still, it made me grin. Whether there's more here than a quick giggle, though, is something I'll have to wait and see about.

Clues

Hmm.  This is potentially tricky.  The dialogue in this issue makes it clear that this is set after UXM #66, which means we're in the same "no-man's land" currently being inhabited by XHY.  Moreover, at least from the six issues I've read so far of that latter comic, it's difficult in the extreme to see how these stories are going to be reconciled.  It's briefly mentioned that Alex has left, which is helpful, but even so, with Iceman and Angel in the Antarctic Circle and the rest of the team in Kenya (according to XHY), it's not easy to see how all five of the original X-Men could be chillin' in Westchester whilst Xavier is visiting Moira.

In the absence of a better strategy, then, we'll assume that the X-Men regrouped at the mansion exactly one week after the events of XHY #1-6.  Time will tell (it always does) if this is a reasonable approximation.

Beast mentions that it's been "a couple of years" since the events of X1C #3, in which the team was dragged into a Cerebro feedback loop, but that holds with us placing that story in September 1978.

Date

Friday 4^th July, 1980.

X-Date

X+2Y+95.

Contemporary Events

Over half a million people gather at the Washington Monument to watch the Beach Boys in concert.

Standout Line

"It's also about uniformity -- that's why they're called uniforms!" Yeah, I've always wondered about that. The dress code around Xavier's is so lax it always makes those few people willing to toe the line just look like chumps.  Still, at least they've stopped letting Jean design their costumes.