UXM #15: "Prisoners Of The Mysterious Master Mold!"

(Better dead than purple and red.) 

 Comments

It's the middle installment of the X-Men's first three-parter (which may or may not be linked to this also being the first issue to be released on a monthly rather than bi-monthly schedule).  I'm not sure shoe-horning in the Beast's origin (courtesy of Master Mold's frankly rather rambling interrogation technique) was the best way to deal with the problems that tend to plague middle installments (it reminds me of all those flashbacks in The Two Towers that end with Aragorn making out with a horse, IIRC), but it's at least an interesting approach.

We're going to have to add "nature activation rays" to the comic's madder ideas.  At least as a name, anyway, since in actuality they don't really seem to do anything more than start earthquakes.  In comparison, their "heavy gravity ray" seems downright plausible.

Apparently, X-Men "Plan G" requires Iceman to build a giant lop-sided Frisbee that he and Beast can cling onto, so that Cyclops can use his force beam to fire them directly over the enemy base.  It's far from clear what Xavier hopes to accomplish via this manoeuvre, and you have to wonder just how terrible Plans A through F were in order for him to settle on this one.

Of all the changes that comics have gone through over the years, perhaps one of the least considered is that of supervillain millinery.  Master Mold's hat looks like a cross between Galactus' helmet and a four-slice toaster.

Mind you, I'm not sure there's anything that would really work.

I could beat the heck out of you!

In Communist Russia, robot behaviour governed by four laws!

I wear a fez now, etc.

Apparently Xavier can knock out machines with the power of his mind (as well as create "sharp thought particles"), which doesn't seem very likely.  Mind you, I'm not sure the Sentinels are machines at all.  What self-respecting emotionless killing machine would witness the deactivation of his fellows and say "This is passing strange!"  It's far more likely that the entire base is actually full of giant, jobbing British thespians, simply posing as remorseless killer robots in order to make ends meet.  We're certainly never more than a hairsbreadth from a "Gadzooks!" or a "Zounds!" with these guys.  It may also help explain the hideous colour scheme.

I can't help but notice Master Mold's "psycho probe" is right in front of his massive metal crotch.  I'm not saying that anything funny's going on, or nothin'.  But damn, that crotch is hard to miss. And Beast has to stare at that whilst taking about his parents.  That's gotta be an appointment with Doc Samson, right?

Clues
.
.This issue follows on immediately from the last one, and takes place over just a few minutes.
.
 Beast calls Angel "son", which may be the first implication that Hank is a little older than the others in the team.

Date
.

Wednesday 6^th September, 1978.

X-Date

 X+159.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel month = 5.17 standard months.

Contemporary Events

Mathew Horne is born, as part of a sinister plot to ensure James Cordon becomes only the second least talented man to be allowed onto the BBC in the 21st Century.

Stand-Out Line

"And then you won a scholarship to college! Now, continue your biography--!" Master Mold's interrogation of Beast apparently involves the same techniques as my mother's chats with friends over coffee.  Presumably we only just missed him offering Beast a custard cream.

UXM #14: "Among Us Stalk... The Sentinels!"

("Are you now, or have you ever been...?") 

Comments

Bolivar Trask is an anthropologist? Without wishing to seem rude, when in all of history has the press given two hoots what an anthropologist has to say?  Though I suppose "When they're being racist as fuck" is a fairly good answer. I mean, look at The Bell Curve. [1]

"ARTIST'S INTERPRETATION OF FATE OF MANKIND IF MUTANTS ARE NOT DRIVEN OUT". I doubt if even the editorial pages of the Washington Post would print that.  Unless they were claiming Obama is a mutant, obviously. 

Or perhaps I should say Communist, because it's pretty clear that this issue is using the analogy of mutants=Pinkos.  Stan Lee has never done anything subtle in his life, of course, so what would otherwise have been subtext (however blatant) is spelled-out explicitly by a member of the unwashed masses watching Xavier on TV "I'll bet he's a Communist!" (along with someone else who wonders aloud whether he's a mutant too).

Still, overstated or not, this is the issue both in which mutant hating steps into high-gear, and which gives the lie to all those who have argued the "mutant as analogy" idea came about long after the comic was created.

It's just the analogy itself that's changed.  In the '80s it was race ("they're coming to take what's ours by right!"), in the '90s it became more about sexual preference ("they hide in plain sight, and they're swimming with deadly disease!").  These days, you could even colour an argument that says the analogy is best thought of as being related to Native Americans ("They're almost gone, but they still have land we could use!"), though that's a bit of a stretch.

Here in issue #14, published in 1965, though, mutants are the Red Menace.  Which means that not only are there baying mobs in the streets, but both media campaigns and authoritarian initiatives as part of a prolonged campaign with an end result aimed at being somewhere between total discrediting and outright extermination. If Norman Osborn is the Marvel Universe' Dick Cheney, then Bolivar Trask is its Tailgunner Joe.  And, like McCarthy before him, Trask doesn't realise that he's overplayed his hand. Professor Xavier might be a loose fit for Joseph Welch, and the Sentinels some distance from the Watkins Select Committee , but the idea of one's own cupidity and obsession turning against you fits like a (massive, metal, jet-propelled) glove. 

For God's sake, Professor X calls his mutants to him with a psychic clarion call of "Condition Red!"   What more proof do you need?(Mind you,  I thought Fraggle Rock was about Communism, so what do I know?)[2]

Clues
.
This story takes place over two days.
.
Well, the Juggernaut has clearly made his mark.  I guess coming to the X-Men during the '90s as I did, I'm used to every issue being about 90% fighting to 10% moping about the last fight.  Referencing the scars of a new battle is quite new at this point.

It also means that we have to build in at least some convalescence for the team.  What with mutants tending to heal faster than mere humans, and the hi-tech gizmos at the Professor's command, it's difficult to put too precise a figure on our protagonists' downtime, but let's make it a fortnight. Angel mentions that their vacation will be their "first one in years!", but I think we'll have to put that down to youthful exuberance (read: bullshit).  I suppose that if they've not had a holiday since the team was first founded, then it's certainly been over a year.  Close enough, I reckon. 

Naturally, there's not a bare tree in sight, still.

Date

Tuesday 5^th S to Wednesday 6^th of September, 1978.

X-Date

X+159.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel month = 4.98 standard months.

Contemporary Events

The Camp David accords begin.

Stand-Out Line

"Now that I'm truly the Beast again, I feel that I could lick my weight in neanderthals!" Oh, come on.   I've spent most of this post mired in political analysis.  I've earned the right to finish on another dick joke.

[1] Yes, yes, I know.  That was a psychologist and a political scientist.  But I'm sure an anthropologist could have got in on the action.  Pretty much anyone could have.  So long as they were white.

[2] It bloody was, though.  More specifically, it represents the period immediately prior to the Russian Revolution.  The selfless, workaholic Doozers are the proletariat, and the hapless, care-free Fraggles are the bourgeoisie.  The only time this middle class has anything to worry about is when the aristocracy (the Gorgs) start making a fuss. Margery the trash-heap is Lenin, offering advice on how to overthrow the Tsar Gorg King.  The lighthouse is obviously heaven, making the lighthouse keeper God, and Sprocket the Dog the ghost of Karl Marx.  Uncle Travelling Matt is that guy Alec Guinness played in Doctor Zhivago.

Admittedly, it's not a perfect fit, mainly because the Doozers proclaim to love having the Fraggles eat their buildings (to the point that they'll leave the caverns if they're work isn't periodically ruined).  It's therefore best to view the show as a supply-side American's re-telling of pre-Revolution Russia, where it's the borgouesie that are the heroes, and who could live in harmony forever with their societal inferiors if only that pesky monarchy were out of the way.

UXM #13: "Where Walks The Juggernaut!"

("I'll send out a psychic distress signal to all nearby teenage boys!") 

Comments

This is an interesting issue to read, with the benefit of hindsight.   I was all ready to bitch about how Professor X's out-of-nowhere construction of a "mento-helmet" (which frankly sounds like a mint-flavoured condom) was an appalling narrative cheat, but then nothing he does with it is even remotely outside of the sort of trick psychics pull off on a regular basis, these days.  Once you realise that, it's actually quite an elegant solution to the Juggernaut problem: bring in the Human Torch to blind him, and then have Angel nick his helmet so he can be mind-zapped.

Also interesting that Lee refers to Marvel Girl moving objects as teleporting.  From my admittedly small knowledge of such things, she might have a point, etymologically.  Too late now, though.  Let's take a standard British approach, and blame the Germans.

I'd never actually realised before now that the Teen Brigade is actually something from the Marvel Universe.  I think the first time I read this issue I was too disturbed by the idea of a mature man with an obsession with young people using his mind to send signals to teenage boys.  I've wondered for a while if the Professor is really crippled, or if the rug he keeps across his crotch is just to hide his massive boner.

I guess this is the blog where your childhood innocence comes to die.

Beyond that disturbing image, there's not a great deal to this issue beyond a single extended fight-scene, but the increasing desperation of the X-Men as they try to slow the Juggernaut down is nicely played.

Clues

(This issue marks the second anniversary of the comic's run).

This story takes place over a single day, the same day on which the Juggernaut arrived, and also on which Magneto and the Toad are abducted by the Stranger.

Johnny Storm mentions his sister's upcoming marriage to Mr Fantastic, but I think things are complicated enough without trying to tie the X-Men chronology into the Fantastic Four's.   Beyond that, this is a fairly barren issue, clue-wise.

Date

Tuesday 22^nd August, 1978.

X-Date

X+144.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel month = 5.08 standard months.

Contemporary Events

The Sandinistas occupy the national palace in Nicaragua.

Stand-Out Line

"Good!  I have dispelled the cloud of suspicion from his brain!  Now, I must lead him to us as quickly as possible! I shall direct you to where you are needed!  You must relax! Try to think of nothing! Let my mind guide yours"  Xavier ensnares another innocent victim. "You will follow my commands implicitly", indeed.

UXM #12: "The Origin Of Professor X!"

(Guess who's coming to smash up dinner?) 

Comments

I really like this story.  Ratcheting up the tension by degrees each time the unseen aggressor smashes unharmed through another obstacle and trap is a really nice device, especially since the build-up ends with the Juggernaut just sweeping the whole team aside with his first blow.

The only thing that really spoils it is Xavier's twin convictions that a) there isn't time to describe Juggernaut's power set, and b) the explanation of the attacker's motives must include the period when he bullied Xavier as a child.  There's a time and a place for this kind of exposition: it's called "therapy."

This issue, it's Cyclop's turn to be hit with the idiot-stick.  "Stay out, all of you!  No one is supposed to know about the Professor's Cerebro machine!"  Well done, Scott: you've just hit upon the X-Men equivalent of "Don't tell him, Pike!"  And how exactly did the other X-Men think Xavier was powering his radar-image beam last issue, anyway?

Cerebro seems to be working somewhat differently in these early days, able as it is to pick up powerful aliens (as it did last issue) and now magically-enhanced people, though Xavier takes great pain to insist that the Juggernaut is a mutant.  If memory served, it took a long time for the comic to stop creating back stories to explain why people became mutants.  Xavier himself, of course, implicitly credits the nuclear tests his parents were engaged in for his mental powers (a claim which causes something of a headaches continuity-wise, see below).

Clues

This story takes place over a single day, the same day on which Magneto and the Toad are abducted by the Stranger. 

Xavier's origin story, as predicted after reading issue #1, causes us some difficulty.  The earliest Xavier could have been born to parents who had worked on the Manhattan Project is 1943, which would put him at two years old when the Trinity test (the only nuclear test performed at Alamogordo) killed his father, and ten when the Korean War in which he took part ended. [1]

Time, then, for a little creative book-keeping.  Let's assume Xavier only served in the final year of the war, and that he was eighteen at the time - we know that he had at least headed to college beforehand, but we don't know how long he was there for.  That would make him ten when his father died (which seems about right, judging by how he's drawn).  We'll just have to assume that the Americans of the Marvel Universe were tinkering with the atom in the mid '30s. 

All of this puts Xavier at 43 years old at this point, which seems entirely plausible.

Date

Tuesday 22^nd August, 1978.

X-Date

 X+144.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel month = 4.65 standard months.

Contemporary Events

The Sandinistas occupy the national palace in Nicaragua.

Stand-Out Line

"But, our next defence should hold him!  It's the gas that causes loss of balance!" It's actually rather cool to watch how honed the X-Men's team-work has become,  but at the risk of playing armchair general, I'm not convinced that following concrete-strength ice-walls, electromagnetic force fields, electrified cables, and sleeping gas, your best bet is to hope you opponent will fall over and lack the will to crawl.

[1] It's a little strange to hear the oft-called Martin Luther Xavier shouting "The Reds are shelling this area!" Apparently Xavier's dream of peaceful existence between all peoples of the Earth doesn't extend to those stinking Communist dogs.

UXM #11: "The Triumph Of Magneto!"

("There's a stranger here...") 

 Comments

Cerebro has now been fitted with a snazzy "radar-image beam" that can generate a picture of any mutant the machine is scanning.  It's probably a good thing this idea didn't take; it would strip away a good deal of mystery if every mutant detected came with its own profile picture.  Maybe Xavier abandoned the idea after it blew up on the first try.

Whilst on the subject of Cerebro, it's really rather sweet to see it in its infancy, back when the known mutant population was so small that the machine had a card insert with the name of every foe the X-Men had faced.  Each with accompanying blinky light.  It's so '60s it hurts.

Not so '60s as the Stranger's landlady, though.  Presumably she's another acid-fried former hippie, blissfully unawares that she's taking part in a story set in the future.  In fact, it's becoming increasingly clear that the whole of New York City is filled with addle-minded lunatics.  I confess that if I saw a man walking through the air I'm not sure what conclusion I would come to, but "Some new kind of helium belt" wouldn't be anywhere near the top of the list.

This is, what, four bases for Magneto now?  Apparently, the Brotherhood has fallen on hard times, too.  From island base to asteroid station to country mansion to... what?  An apartment, maybe?  It's even described as a "temporary headquarters", presumably as in "This is just a temporary set-up, until Dad sends me some money, and my internet business finally takes off". [1] 

There's just such a stench of sad desperation about it all.  Lee probably made the right choice to take Magneto off the board for a while.

Whilst Magneto is languishing in squalor, the X-Men in contrast have yet another new helicopter.  The last one wasn't even dented, from what I could tell.  Between this and the apparently useless radar-image beam, it's getting increasingly clear that Xavier lacks for any meaningful kind of fiscal discipline.  I'm almost surprised that the last two years of present-day X-Men books haven't dealt with the total destruction of the Professor's fortunes in the wake of the financial crisis.

 Clues.

.
This story takes place over a single day, and from the look of it, the next issue will follow on directly...
.
There's not really much to be said about this issue, aside from having to add on six more days for the X-Men's return trip from Antarctica.  The whole adventure takes place in a single day, so far as I can tell.  The surrounding plant life continues to defiantly hold on to its foliage, but that's not a major problem just yet.
.
Jean's obviously a Dr Kildare fan.  Still, there were probably plenty of repeats in the late '70s.  Indeed, I remember my mother watching it almost religiously when I was a young boy in the mid '80s.
.
Everything is still green.
.
.Date

 Tuesday 22^nd August, 1978.

X-Date

X+144.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel month = 4.22 standard months.

Contemporary Events

The Sandinistas occupy the national palace in Nicaragua.

Stand-Out Line

"It'll be good to sit back and relax with a differential calculus problem for a few hours!" Tsk.  How disappointing.  Differential calculus is horribly boring, and it's a real shame to see that the Beast doesn't realise that.  Surely a better use of his leisure time would be pondering the long-term behaviour of time-inhomogeneous Markov chains.  Or maybe putting together a detailed analysis of the timeline of an ongoing fictional world?  That would be a lot less sad, surely?

[1] Did Asteroid M have building insurance?  Because I would love to see the claim form on that one.  Actually, that's a good point.  Does superhero collateral damage count as "acts of God"?  And if not, do the Avengers get around that by always blaming Thor? .

UXM #10: "The Coming Of... Ka-Zar!"

(The land that feminism forgot) 

Comments

We'll add Ka-Zar and the Savage Land to Lee's tally of iconic X-Men then, shall we? Whatever one thinks of him fifty years on, I'm very much impressed with his batting average, here.  Ten issues in and the only super-powered character mentioned so far who doesn't become a staple of the Marvel Universe is Lucifer (just as well, since he's terrible).  Once we've finished his 19-issue run, I might put together a full roll-call of everything he came up with.

I just can't stop chuckling every time someone refers to X-Men training sessions as "post-graduate work". I was a post-grad for three and a half years, and I don't remember having to disassemble a rifle with the power of my mind even once.  Though I suppose that could have been one of the days I stayed in bed.  Or the pub.

Speaking of telekinetic disarmament, it's nice to see Jean's PG work has now moved beyond home economics. I'm sure Cyclops has only finished making her reassemble sewing machines, though. 

If indeed, he's been doing anything other than mooning over her.  The terrible romantic thoughts continue, and apparently have gotten to the point where Cyclops can't even remember to check all four of his team-mates have shown up for training.

I was going to (rather pedantically) criticise Marvel Girl for referring to dinosaurs as belonging to ancient history (rather than prehistory, obviously), but then I remembered I'm reading Marvel and it's entirely possible that in this universe, people started making iron blades to fight off rampaging stegosaurs, and Hadrian's wall was built by velociraptors.  To keep out the Scottish t-rexes.

Having spent so much time celebrating Beast's continuing transformation into the super-genius we all know and love, I suppose I should note that there is still some way to go, yet.  It is difficult to praise the intelligence of someone who, when meeting a savage, uncommunicative denizen of a savage prehistoric landscape - and his attendant razor-toothed pet - compliments the wild man on his biceps, and then starts feeling him up.  True, Hank has no idea of how the etiquette of the Savage Land manifests itself, but you'd think he'd have the wherewithal to assume that pawing at the locals' pectorals would be very much frowned upon. 
.
It's almost certainly a typo, but I do love how Jean calls Warren "Scott" just before the tyrannosaur appears.  As Freudian slips go, it's pretty reasonable.  Shame she goes into a state of shock immediately after, whilst Warren is the model of cool.  Still, maybe we shouldn't blame '60s sexism.  Maybe we should just blame Cyclops wasting all that time making Jean thread needles, when she could have been learning to lobotomise giant lizards (hindsight is 20/20). At least she manages to upset the dinosaur.  The implication is she uses telekinesis to ruin its balance, but I prefer to think she planted something in its brain.  "Your arms are too tiny to ever allow you to embrace the lizard you love." 

Aww. I feel quite bad for him now.
.
Clues

This adventure takes place over approximately a week.

Presumably, the X-Men took another nine days to return from Bavaria. Also, Bobby and the Professor both note that it's been weeks since their last mission.  Let's assume then that three weeks have passed since they defeated Lucifer, allowing them a more leisurely trip back to New York if they wish.  They could even have a holiday, wouldn't that be nice?

We'll again assume six days for the "days later" it takes for the X-Men to get to Antarctica.  That sounds a little slow, actually, but perhaps they didn't go the whole way by plane.  That or having to involve Washington slowed everything down.  I don't even want to know how many forms you need to fill out in triplicate to lend a plane to some mutants so they can hunt a sabretooth tiger.

Once in Antarctica, though, their escapades can plausibly be considered to take place over a single day.

Date

Tuesday 15^th August, 1978.

X-Date

X+131 to X+137.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel month = 4 standard months.

Contemporary Events

Audrey Tautou is born.

Japan and the People's Republic of China sign the Treaty of Peace and Friendship.

150 Palestinians are killed during a terrorist attack in Beirut, during the Lebanese Civil War.

Stand-Out Line

"Personally, I've always believed that violence is the last refuge of the incompetent!" Definitely the best line in the issue.  I mean, it's a shame it's Isaac Asimov's, but...

UXM #9: "Enter, The Avengers!"

("Why can't we all just get along?") 

Comments

First of all, a warning.  Do not let young children, women, or those of a nervous disposition read this issue!  There is a scene, my friends, and I do not exaggerate, in which Jean Grey almost stumbles over a pothole.  Luckily, she gets out of fit OK, but it could so easily have been catastrophic.  A stubbed toe, a twisted ankle, maybe even a scuffed bootie... It just doesn't bear thinking about.

Damn, but this Atlantic cruise the team have insisted upon taking is making my calculations tough.  What happened to that helicopter they were sporting last issue?  Lack of range, I suppose.  But while we're asking questions, aren't icebergs supposed to be 90% below the surface?  Because that means Cyclops has essentially managed to render a serious hazard to navigation temporarily undetectable.  Nice work, you sexually repressed dick!

The standard jokes about the average US citizen's intellect notwithstanding [1], are we really supposed to believe that an Ohian can't recognise Captain America? And on that subject, do you think Cap has mixed feelings about hanging around Bavaria?  Sure, it's all beer halls and lederhosen now (and believe me, it is) [2], but how many super-powered Nazis did Rogers have to punch out here back in the day?

Lee is still banging on about Magneto's psychic powers.  Let it go, man! 

"The world is in peril, but I can't tell you why!  Just beat up the Avengers, would you?"  I keep saying this, but Xavier is really a dick.  I mean, obviously an X-Men/Avengers face-off is a part of the noble Marvel tradition (they did it yet again with Utopia less than two years ago), but even by hero-fights-hero standards, this is a pretty unconvincing set-up.  Though, it does feature Hank Pym pointing out to Hank McCoy that the latter's extensive vocabulary just makes him look like a dick to anyone who graduated from college, which at least made me laugh. 

Whilst on the subject of Xavier (who mentions that Lucifer is responsible for rendering his legs useless), it's interesting that he finds it so difficult to render someone unconscious with his powers without risking them having a heart attack.  Have telepaths gotten better since then, or do they just care a lot less about coronary failure when their victims aren't wired to doomsday devices?

Clues

Fighting the Avengers and Lucifer only takes a single day (because that is how the X-Men roll), but the real issue here (no pun intended) is how long it took for our heroes to sail across the Atlantic. Unlike previous journeys, they're no longer at the tiller; they have to put up with whatever speed their commercial liner will set.

Crossing the Atlantic on such a vessel would take about eight days, from what I can gather, and it would take two days or so  to get far enough into the Baltic to get the fastest train to Bavaria.  That would  fit in with Scott announcing that Xavier had contacted him "last week" if we assume the encounter with the iceberg happened about two-thirds of the way through the trip, and place the X-Men's arrival on the 19^th of December.

The problem here, however, (and I suspect this will dog us throughout this analysis) is that the Bavarian village is very  much still a bastion of deciduous growth.  One option here would be to skip ahead to, say, March, but the arbitrariness of my initial choice for "date X" makes me think it might be better to redefine the date from which we're working.

So, time for a little retconning.  We shall retroactively assume the following dates for the first eight issues:

The X-Men: Friday 31^st March to Saturday 1^st April, 1978

No-one Can Stop the Vanisher!: Monday 3^rd to Friday 7^th April, 1978

Beware of the Blob!: Saturday 22^nd April, 1978

The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants!: Sunday 23^rd April to Tuesday 2^nd May, 1978

Trapped: One X-Man!: Saturday 6^th to Sunday 7^th May, 1978

Submariner! Joins The Evil Mutants: Saturday 13^th to Monday 15^th May, 1978

Return of the Blob: Thursday 29^th to Friday 30^th of June

The Uncanny Threat of... Unus the Untouchable!: Saturday 1^st to Saturday 8^th July, 1978

As a parenthetical point, it should also be noted that Hank implies that every X-Man is a teenager, including himself.  This will prove problematic when combined with his complaints about leaving his twenties in those early '90s issues.  The easiest dodge here, I suppose, is that it's Iron Man who calls them teenagers, and Hank chooses not to correct him. Battlefield misinformation, bitches!

Date

Saturday 15^th  to Wednesday 19^th  July, 1978.

X-Date

X+106 to X+110.

Compression Constant

1 Marvel month = 4.44 standard months.

Contemporary Events

The 4th G7 summit is held in Bonn.

Stand-Out Line

"The unwarranted battle comes to an inconclusive end!" Bloody Hell!  Stan Lee is taking the piss out of Civil War more than forty years before it was written.

[1] A word I actually learned from the X-Men comics.  Can you feel the irony? CAN YOU? 

[2] Just kidding.  Munich is definitely my favourite city outside the British Isles, and that's despite me not being able to go there without being violently ill for at least 80% of the trip.  Mind you, the buses could do with being a bit more clearly marked...